I really should know better than to think something good might happen without me busting my ass. Why would that happen? If I want something I have to bust my ass for it. I always seem to forget that when it seems like something good might happen though. I want to hope for the best and it always gets me when reality sets in.
I thought I was going to be able to buy a car, get a new computer. I was so wrong. I did get a new phone, some new clothes, and a few comfort items, but I’m still without the major items that I want/need.
What I really thought I was getting was a reprieve from years of struggling just to make ends meet. I’ve had a job for about 2 years now and I’m still struggling just to get out of these holes. I know that’s not all that long, but it feels like forever. I just wanted one bright spot where I could say that things finally turned around.
It’s rough seeing people around me in their mid to late 20s that have their shit together, doing whatever they like. Dating; living on their own; getting married; having kids; buying cars, houses, toys, whatever. I’m living with my mother, struggling to pay my bills and doing it all on my own. I don’t get to live rent free with my parents like so man others do. I haven’t had a car in 6 years. That has meant foregoing a lot of things because I can’t fucking get there.
I’ve been stuck here for a long time. It’s easy to overlook how much a car means until you have to rely on others to help get you around. I can’t go shopping unless my mom is home and lets me take her car. I can’t go out with my friends unless someone is willing to pick me up. I can’t go out and drive around just because I want to. I can’t just run up to this or that on a whim. I have to plan everything if I want to go out because I need to know how I will get there and how I will get home because I can’t just drive on a moment’s notice. It is very isolating, which is rough. Yes, I am a solitary creature by nature but it isn’t easy being forced into it because I can’t get anywhere. I can’t go to people and people choose not to call me when they do stuff because they know I can’t get there and they don’t want to pick me up (which is fine, it’s their choice and I’m not going to be upset with them for not wanting to pick me up, I wouldn’t want to either).
I’m doing a bit of boo-hooing, but, really, I’m still a bit further ahead than I was 3 months ago. It just sucks thinking I’ll be able to actually get somewhere and then have it taken from me. I’ll get there eventually by working my ass off, it just would’ve been nice to skip 2+ more years of struggle.
It just fucking sucks being poor.
I’ve been thinking about language. Language is a living and changing thing. It changes slowly, but it does change. Based upon how the majority of speakers of a language use words some fall into disuse, change meaning, change spelling, or any number of other things. Gay is not used to mean happy anymore. Nobody says gadzooks (Chrome doesn’t even recognize it as a real word). Encyclopedia lost its æ. ‘You and me’ is now accepted in place of ‘you and I’. Words change. Language evolves, but not always for the better.
The thing I have been thinking of most is words changing spelling. Specifically, does this change happen because people can’t spell words? Will ‘your’ one day be an acceptable form of ‘you are’? Are contractions now just accepted as whole words rather than a mash up of two other words? WTF has entered the lexicon as a word (of sorts) that expresses an emotion or reaction far more than actual expression of ‘what the fuck’. What is our language becoming? Will we recognize it when we are old?
The grammar nazis are losing. Intelligence is dying. Unless we actually choose to turn away from it and celebrate intelligence, grammar, and proper use of words, our language and our society is fucked. Newspeak for all! I wonder how George Orwell would feel knowing that we are moving ever closer to his satirized language. I think he would be disappointed, I know I am.
I know that I’ve been very sporadic in posting here lately, and I apologize. I’ve had a lot going on in my personal and professional life. As open as I am on here, I do still occasionally need some time to step away and deal with shit in my head before I can put it to words and deal with it here. I’m sorry that I have been quiet. I know not many people read this, but I do feel a sense of connection to those that do.
One of the bigger things is that I did find work, and quite quickly. My last day was on a Friday and by Tuesday I had found a job. That was awesome, but… it was just part time. Working only 16 hours a week has been fucking with my head. To make matters worse, it was on Fridays and Saturdays, making it more difficult to go out with friends. The good news is, my boss is awesome and is working to get me more hours. I hope to be up to full time by mid-February. Again, it will be over the weekends thus making hanging out and socializing difficult, but work is work and I have to be able to pay bills before I can afford to go out with friends.
I’ve also had to deal with the fallout of ending a friendship. I talked about it before (here), but this past month and a half since it happened hasn’t been easy. I’ve had some good friends to talk it out with though while I get my mind straight. It was, unfortunately, for the best though. It isn’t easy to stop talking with someone you have talked to for hours a day nearly every day for 6 months, but sometimes it is the only way it can go. There are times that I still want to talk with her, but it is healthier not to. I cared for her, but I was just a friend and I cannot put myself through that any longer. I am learning to end things sooner rather than later, now. No longer will I burn for months or years, hoping her feelings will change. They don’t. Not ever, but that is another blog post entirely (which I am working on, in a broader manner).
It hasn’t all been struggle though. I ended up getting a Christmas bonus from my old job which I spent almost entirely on items for my artistic endeavors. The biggest of these was a camera, so that I could take better pictures of my stuff. The camera on my phone wasn’t cutting it any longer. I also ended up buying myself some more paint and about $100 worth of DIY vinyl toys from Kidrobot. I have spent a lot of my time making art lately. I’ve done some digital work, I’ve already finished 3 of the vinyl toys that I bought (which I will eventually post and put up for sale), and I’ve been working on paper again. It has been good, getting back into art so much. I want so badly to find a way to make a career out of creating art. I’m not entirely certain how to do this, but I figure I’ll keep making art until i figure it out.
For the most part, this time away has been me trying to find my center. I have been writing some, but I haven’t made many full-fledged posts that I want to share yet. I have some concepts and ideas started that I will flesh out more when things are a bit more stable for me, but I am not quite there yet. While I realize that this blog has always been about me posting rather haphazardly and chaotically through the storm that is my emotional life, I find that I am wanting to do more than just that now. This will be my 78th post here in about 6 months. That’s a pretty furious pace considering what I have been writing about and how long each post is. I have talked about it before, but I want to try and post more substantial and thought out things now. I’ve gone over the chaos of my first 25 years, now I want to focus on ordering it all and actually discussing things I am passionate about. That’s not to say I won’t go nuts from time to time and just stream my emotions onto the page – I am far too emotional for that – but it does mean that I will take more care with what I post.
To that end, I have been working on a couple new things for my online presence. Previously, I had created a Facebook page dedicated to selling and showcasing art that I wish to/have already sell/sold, but I have also now created a page dedicated to my art, called, simply, forgotn. I have been posting my art there lately and will be adding more of my past works to it as well while I continue to chronicle my artistic endeavors. Alongside that, I have also created a second blog that will be dedicated to my art. At this time though, it exists only in name as I have yet to add content to it. This will be coming soon though, and I will promote it here when I add it. There’s also an etsy page in the works and a website that I have been designing in my head for a while now, though the website is still quite a ways off.
Decided to play with patterns and effects today. Didn’t need the tablet for much, but this exercise of drawing one picture a day has been about exploring creativity more than anything else. I bought the tablet to urge that along, but the tablet is not always necessary. There are still things I will do better with the mouse and random effects/tools.
Now that I have come to the final day of this exercise, I’m going to shift focus on this blog, again. Thus far it has been everything I have needed. It has been my sanity and my catharsis. It has allowed me to start opening up about everything in my life and to explore myself further. However, I have done all of this at a furious pace. While I know that this blog is completely self-indulgent and that readership is tertiary or lower, I am aware that there are people that read this and such a hard pace can make that difficult. So, I want to adjust it and focus myself.
I want to try and start focusing more on the quality of the content now. I’ve got more than enough fodder here for people to read for quite some time while I work on figuring out the next step. Given that, I would like to try and start taking my time with posts and actually craft them rather than let them spew forth from me. I know I have strong writing abilities, I just need to try and focus them now. I have poured forth much of my soul in these first 55+ posts, but now I need to bring my intelligence and thought to it. It is time for me to start focusing all that has swirled around inside of me as I wrote the previous posts and form it all into discussions of these things rather than ramblings diatribes to myself. As I have stated before, there is much that I wish to do with blogging and the internet in general. This change is a move toward doing more of it.
I am trying to decide if I want to go with a cadence of weekly or every 2-3 days. Figuring this out may mean a short lull in posting, but I will try to avoid that. I may shoot to have a big topic once weekly with art, music, or other things on a secondary schedule. I believe that I will also set up a Facebook page for my art so that I can post it there when it is finished and then highlight certain pieces here.
I also need to decide if this change necessitates a new blog dedicated to this scheduled and more polished style. I think it would look cleaner, but I am unsure of whether I want to do that or not. If I did, it would mean setting it up as a more professional blog while leaving this one for my personal stuff that I have been doing.
And, with that semi-coherent mess, I will post this and sleep. I will see you all on the other side of it all.
I watched American Hardcore last night. It is a documentary about the rise and downfall of the Hardcore Punk scene across America. It was very inspiring. Watching Ian MacKaye talk about pulling apart the sleeve for a 7″ so they could figure out how to make them themselves and then gluing together 1000+ of them for their first singles was incredible. Seeing everyone talk about their role in the scene and the passion they still hold was inspiring.
They didn’t do it for fame or for money, they did it because they wanted to make music and that was the only way they could.
After watching it though, I have to wonder to myself: What music from today would get this kind of documentary 20 years after it died? I can’t really think of any. Yes, we have a few bands that will probably stand the test of time, but I don’t see anymore Black Flags, SSDs, Minor Threats, or Bad Brains. I’m not holed up in the past either; I am always out there searching for new bands. I see greatness out there, but I do not see any bands that are starting a scene they way these guys did. It’s a shame. We could use that nowadays.
Part of why this is inspiring to me is that even though I bitch about my personal life and certain things I am lacking, I am trying to apply the DIY ethos to my life. I am attempting to create a business out of nothing. If I want to get paid to make art, I have to be the one to put my stuff out there. Nobody is going to just magically hand me money for it. If I want this to amount to anything, I am going to have to get out there and do it. I have been trying to do this. I have drawn at least one piece everyday since I got my tablet. I have even managed to find my own personal style, though I will also find more as I play with the tablet.
Though I have mostly used my blog to expel my demons, it is also a place for me to put my art out there and eventually promote it. All that I am doing now is the precursor. My blog is a stepping stone. It is a toe in the water of running my own website. I spent about 3 hours last night researching websites and figuring out what I need to do to get one up and running. I learned HTML coding many years ago, I have a basic knowledge of CSS, and I have been designing images that I would love to use as backgrounds for years. I look forward to putting all of this into a website someday soon. Probably far sooner than I even realize just yet.
This new schedule is fucking with me. Granted, this is only my second day on it, but it is confusing my body. It has me in a hyper-emotional state. I’m really not sure what to do with myself. I went to bed at 1 pm and initially woke up at 6 pm with my body telling me it was time to get up because I was wasting the day away. I tried to go back to sleep, and eventually did, but it wasn’t very restful.
“Oh, it’s so hard doing it alone! I wish I didn’t have to.” That’s what is running through my head and it is extremely annoying. I can do this. I don’t actually need anyone to help me with this. I’m not going to fail and curl up because I have to do it all alone. I always get it done when I need to. That said, it would be easier if I weren’t alone. If I had direct support from someone that cared. But I don’t, so I do as I have always done and dig deep and do.
This will be for the best. I needed this change to enact things in my life. On my old schedule, I just couldn’t paint. I need to paint, but because I worked 5 pm to 2 am, I had no time to do so. before work I just wasn’t feeling creative and after work is too late to be running a compressor. So, I decided to go to nights, working from 12 – 9 am. I think it will work out well, even if the schedule adjustment is fucking with me.
This first week will be a wash. I have no plans for it other than to work and to get my body used to this new schedule. It will not be easy, but it will get done. I am already very nearly on the sleep pattern I want, I just need to let my body acclimate to it so that it stops trying to wake me up after just a couple hours of sleep.
After that first week, the plan is to start incorporating elements of a new lifestyle into it. The first element will be walking again. I haven’t done it at all in probably 2 months. Between my trip, my emotional and spiritual state, and everything else that has been happening lately, it was just too much for me, so I put it off. Now that I am getting it all straightened out again, it is time to start walking again. I am going to try and sync that with a renewed sense of eating healthy. I’ve kind of been doing that, but not as well as I could or should. It isn’t that I do not like to eat healthy, it is just easier and more convenient not to. That’s a shit excuse though, so I’m going to stop using it.
The painting is the next big step to add in. I don’t know when that will be added though. Art in general will just happen sporadically throughout, much as it always has in my life. I’m going to try and learn to make it happen though. I can’t entirely be an airbrush artist if my art just happens on a whim. My most personal art will always happen on a whim and a thought, but I need to learn to be able to create other things at will.
That’s about all I really have set out for myself in getting this all handled. I know I can do it, it will just take time. The current plan may turn out to be ambitious, but I will try to make it work as best I can. I need to get a handle on my life.
Please bear with me. Over the next couple days I am going to try and redesign the entire blog. I’ve got a background created already, I’m just having issues getting it to work. I need to find a theme that will allow me to work with it better. My current theme is too pic heavy and means a lot of messy coding and fiddling to get it right. I’ll go more into it once I wake up tomorrow. It’s my day off, I’ve got 2 days to fuck with it and make it right before I start my new schedule.
I plan to brighten things up a bit, but I need to work with it and make sure it is easy to deal with. I don’t want to hurt eyes. haha
In the meantime, enjoy the new Mumford & Sons album (requires Spotify, which is a badass music program if you don’t already have it).
Blah, blah, blah.
Write, write, write.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I want to write. I want to use this to progress in my life. But as I stated in the last post, I’m stalled. This goes deeper than just my desire and ability to write. I’m having trouble getting started in other things in my life.
I have been afraid to get started painting or making art. I’ve made it in fits and spurts, but I haven’t really started in earnest yet. I want to, but I’m afraid to. It’s daunting. I know it’s what I should be doing, but it’s hard to start. I’m afraid to fail at it. It’s everything and if I fail, I’ll be more lost than ever before. That thought stops me in my tracks. Because of it, I am trying to figure out every possible aspect of it so that I can solve all the problems before I encounter them and assure that I make it happen. I want to do all that I can to make sure that I succeed because I don’t know what to do if I don’t.
It’s absurd, really. I cannot solve all the problems. I cannot even conceive of all the problems. But, fear is not rational. Fear is the mind killer. But I do not know how to overcome it. It has always held me back. Fear of self. Fear of others. Fear of being alone. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of many things. It eats away at me. I don’t know where it came from. I can’t seem to get past it.
Everyone always tries to encourage me and tell me to ‘Just go out and do it’, but I don’t understand that concept. How can you just go do it? What if you make the wrong first step and it messes everything up? Then you’re on an entirely different path and have to figure all of that out, and if you get another thing wrong you’re rethinking it all again. I don’t really get ‘winging it’. I can do it in some aspects, but the big things are too big for me to do that. It all has to be planned and deviance is strife, and strife is something that is to be avoided.
It’s insane, really. To think that I have to account for all possible outcomes before I can even start. I might actually be insane though, or at least partially so. I know I’m something. I think it might be asperger’s, but schizophrenia or a number of other things may be the issue. I’ve never been able to find out though. I can self diagnose all I want, but I need someone outside to tell me. Because of this not knowing, living life is like playing with only half the book. I can get some of the stuff, but other stuff is just… missing. Sometimes you find pages here and there and fill in blank spots, but it’s slow going. I feel broken because of it. I’ve always felt broken.
I have to figure it out in spite of that though. I know I can’t live in fear, but I don’t really know any other way. All I really know is this is no way to live. I don’t like it. I haven’t particularly enjoyed most of the life I’ve led so far. It’s actually been pretty shitty.
God damnit. All I can think right now is ‘I just want someone that I can share this with. I’m tired of doing it alone’. I know I have family and friends I can talk with, but… I’m afraid to do that too. I don’t want them to think less of me. Another absurd statement, but it is what it is. This is when I feel like I want someone the most. That won’t change anything though, I’ll still be the broken little boy. I’m still very, very lost and the more I get stuck in my head, the more lost I feel.
Not only have I not gotten started with painting, I have also completely stopped eating healthy and exercising. I keep saying I’m going to start both of them tomorrow, but I don’t. I want to, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I haven’t actually done shit in the past 3-ish weeks except write and work. A lot of it stems back to my trip. Even though I got much to think about out of it, it was still a failure of sorts. It was good, and I had to do it, but I still failed. I left early and though I left with other things, I did not leave with what I had really wanted. I’m still alone, even if I still have her as a friend. It hurts to lose that hope. I know that I’ll find it again, but I liked the thought that it might be in front of me already.
More than it hurting, it pissed me off. I’m very tired of thinking I see it and misinterpreting it. I’m also angry that I see it all around me yet I can’t fucking have it. I don’t understand why I can’t. I’ve always felt as though it was withheld from me by something larger than me and that it was dangled in front of me and then taken back. I have always felt that it was entirely out of my hands. I have heard so many fucking times how nice I am and how they hope I find someone because I ‘deserve’ it. It’s actually pretty demeaning to hear that, especially from someone you were hoping to pursue. If I somehow deserve it but have not had it, it means there is something defective in me that keeps it away. I don’t think I deserve it though. I don’t see how one can deserve to be loved. Being kind and good doesn’t entitle you to anything, except that society says it does. Except, society shows that it doesn’t. It is the ruthless and the cutthroat that progress the farthest.
I’ve gone from crying while writing this to being so upset and angry that I wanted to hit something as hard as I could until I bled. Obviously, I found a tender thread. I’m so tried of all of this. I just want to skip ahead to where I already have it all figured out. There isn’t a single fucking thing in any of the 36 entries I’ve made that has been even remotely easy for me. I’m playing on raw nerves here. I am so incredibly broken and hurt and because I’ve run from it all for so long, I have to deal with it all at the same fucking time.
I’m so very tired of being fucked up. I’m tried of being uncomfortable. I haven’t felt remotely comfortable in years. I’m tired of feeling lost and powerless. I just want to feel like I have a purpose and a place. I had one, once. I threw it away though. Finding a new one has been an impossible task.
I really do feel like I’m supposed to do something with art though. I pray for guidance and wisdom a lot. I know I fucked up the last time and I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to be a fuck up. I have been, but I want to change it.
I haven’t been 100% idle though. I bought a graphics tablet the other day that should be here Wednesday. This means I’ll be able to start making more art through digital means. I was supposed to start saving for a car, but I really felt like I needed to get this to advance my art. On top of making digital art, it will allow me to create stencils for my painting and other projects. I’ve also requested a shift to nights at my job so that I can paint when I get off work. As it is now, I find it very difficult to paint. If need be, I can paint before work but I do not feel creative then at all. And I can’t paint after work, I get off at 2 am and compressors are loud.
But, those are just two small steps. I need to be doing more, I just don’t know what else I could be doing right now. I just have to power through this. So what that my trip wasn’t what I wanted? It was still good. I know more about myself now than I did before I left. There’s no need for it to keep me down any longer.
I am finally coming close to writing about my personal religious beliefs and how they affect my life. I know that this is a polarizing subject and that it has a tendency to change views, but it is a subject that has to be touched on if I am to reconcile myself and move forward.
I have thought of religion a lot over the past 8 years. It has always been there. Though I walked away from churches many years ago, I never really stopped believing. I have formed my own beliefs about God, the Devil, and Jesus. Though I base them on what I have read and studied in the Bible, I do not really know how well they fit in there anymore. I haven’t picked up a Bible in many years, though I studied it at great length throughout my childhood. I mean, I DID want to be a Pastor at one point. While I have not touched my Bible, I know that much of what I have thought of is still greatly rooted in it. I have just come to different conclusions than many others have in the past 2000 years.
I suppose that as I write all of this, I will have to pick it up and read through some of what I talk about. I know I need to read Leviticus more and go deeper into the laws that God set forth for the Jewish peoples. I also have some other things I know I need to read that will help me cement or dissolve some ideas I have. I think I need to buy a concordance as well since you can’t really study the Bible without one. Then again, those are based on ‘popular belief and interpretation’ and that is much of what I shun. Wouldn’t hurt to see it though.
Because this is such a large part of me and I have spent many years thinking on it, this cannot be done in a single blog. It will most certainly need to be a series of blogs. In light of that, I have set up a rough outline of what I want to talk about. I stress that it is rough. It may change a great deal as I really get into it, and I will change this outline to reflect that. I will also go through and update each point with the corresponding blog post. I do not know yet if the main points or the secondary points will be the blog posts. It very well may be a mix of both. We’ll see as it pours out of me. As it pours out of me, I will also tag all of them as ‘Religion’ and find a way to make this a separated blog of sorts (I cannot actually do this due to how wordpress works, but there are ways to fake it). I may even make this post into a page on the blog as well.
While I finally have this blog post kicking off the entire subject of religion, it may still be a while before I go into it further. It will happen though.
- Growing Up With Religion
- The Beginnings
- The Good Years
- Northside Freewill Baptist Church
- Moving Away From Religion
- The Downfall
- Walking Away From It All
- Core Beliefs
- Melding the Beliefs
- Coexistence Without Conflict
- Accepting the Errors That Arise
- The Death of Knowledge
- Small Mindedness
- Coming to Peace With it All
- Finding My Way Back
- Beginning to Pray Again
- Seeing Him Work in My Life Again
- Accepting That I Am Still Far From Ready
- Moving Forward
- Finding a New Church
- The Future
As a post script, that outline was not easy to write. All of the nesting had to be done manually, which meant writing a lot of individual html tags to make it work.
Edited to add: Or not. After publishing, the list is not as I wanted it. Going to have to play with it to get it to work right. I do not like the dual numbered list it has now.
I’m getting tired of what it is I am writing. I feel like it is all I talk about. There is more to me, but if I get right down to the core, this is what comes out. I also feel odd talking about it. Love is a subject men are, traditionally, not supposed to care much about. Everything you see portrayed is men getting suckered into it. That is not true of course. I know I am not a lone male with these thoughts, but I often feel that way.
I think I need to start working on a more concrete plan for what I want out of my life. For many years I have been working on ideals alone. I’ve been thinking in the abstract with ‘love, a career, family, means to take care of myself’. If I want to see any of those things, I need to start defining a plan, figure out what it takes to get to all of those things and start doing things to work towards it.
I haven’t actually done that in a very long time. The last time I really had any guidance for my life was when I was still in High School. All I really knew then was that I had to work towards finishing school and then get into college or some sort of secondary schooling. Once I got there, you add that to everything else in my life and I was one very lost young adult. I have also never been the one to set the goals for myself. Finishing school and moving onto secondary school is a pretty standard goal set.
At one point in my life I thought I was meant to be a pastor, but with everything that happened, that just wasn’t going to happen, so I moved on to my secondary dream of working with cars. To that end, I went to UTI and got myself into massive amounts of debt and found that the industry doesn’t give a flying fuck about whether you went to school or not. The automotive industry can be harsh. They don’t want to apprentice anymore, from what I have seen. When I moved back to Oregon to lick my wounds, I applied at every shop I could find and never got a single call back. Granted, I was looking at the start of the recession, but all they wanted was old guys with 10+ years of experience. It didn’t help that dealership work was not for me. Custom work is where I wanted to be, but that is even harder to get into than a dealership. So, I was just lost and couldn’t find my way out.
However, now that I am on the upswing and getting my life sorted, I think it will go better this time. I do want to eventually get back into the automotive field, but I am not as set in that as I was at one point. I do currently have a job, but it is not a career. I would not at all mind doing what I am currently doing if there were opportunities to move up, but I have not seen that there are yet. With that in mind, my ultimate goal would be to make art of any kind and get paid to do so. The dream would be to be the head artist at a custom car shop, but as long as I am making art, able to support myself (and then some), and happy I am fine with any job. Right now, I enjoy my job, but I am barely surviving.
To that end, I need to figure out what I need to do to achieve that. I believe, to start, I need to keep doing more of what I have been doing. I need to continue painting and drawing and working on enhancing my skill. As I start to do that, I can start getting out some to find paid work that I can do to further my skill. Building a portfolio and getting better at painting are imperative to getting into the field somewhere. I think that between now and when I get into the automotive field again, I will start an Etsy page (or something, I am unsure yet) and start doing some commission work on shoes, shirts, and anything else people want. As I do more paid work, that will allow me to start upgrading all of my gear for painting, eventually making it possible to do bigger and better things. Right now my set up is fairly basic, so I do need to keep in mind that it needs attention as well.
That is not the only career path I see for myself though. I have also been idly looking into distilling. It is something my best friend and I are interested in doing and may get started sometime in the next year. There are many possibilities in that if we can figure out a god recipe for our rum. Starting a boutique distillery is a possibility, if we can find backers and have a good product. In addition to that, I would love to stay at my current job as I do love it, but as yet, there is no path of upward mobility. If I am to stay with this job, I need to at least know I can move up eventually. I really want to stay with it though and even if there is no path, I would likely stay with it far longer than I should.
I guess now that I have a weak outline of a career path, I should start working on a path for my love life. The problem with that is, I have no idea. That is entirely a mystery to me. I do not know where to go to find someone.
That’s a lie. I think I have always known where I would find someone, I just avoid it because it means dealing with more stuff head on. The only real answer I have is church. That presents many problems though. While I believe in the Christian God and that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, I have a lot of trouble with church and religion. Many terrible things have been and are perpetuated in the name of the Christian God, among others. I do not believe in many of the same things that other Christians believe in, so I do not call myself a Christian. I believe in evolution, to a point. To deny evolution is folly. You can see it all around you. My one objection to evolution is that I do not believe we are descendant from apes. While we are similar, I do not see strong evidence for it yet. I also have objections to how people interpret the rules and guidelines that are set forth in the Bible. I believe that many of the Jewish laws were there as a way to perpetuate the Jewish people and make certain that they survive, but I do not know that it is necessarily still true today. I believe that above all else, Christ came to free us from those laws and that he taught us that we should love one another.
However, I will not go further into that for this blog. That is a very large can of worms that I will save for another blog, though it seems much closer today than it was before.
What I am trying to say with that is: as much as I understand that I should go to church and that that is where I am most likely to find someone to spend my life with, I am very much not ready to start going to church again. There are still things I need to reconcile in my life before I can start going back to church. The whole thing is difficult for me. I will get there eventually, but there is still much left for me to work on.
Before then, I still need to work on my own issues. One major thing I need to work on is my weight. It is a hindrance, and not just because fewer people like big people. How is anyone supposed to love me as I am if I do not love me as I am? I hate my body. I am trapped within it. It holds me back from many things. I do what I can to persevere in spite of it, but I can only ignore it for so long. I have to deal with this, now. I can’t put it off until tomorrow. I’m actually not all that afraid of dying because I am fat. I just know that it is another aspect of myself that I need to change if I am ever going to get myself right. I can do all the mental healing I want, but if I still look in the mirror and hate what I see, it won’t do me any good.
That means I need to start walking again, to start. I also need to start eating better. I do not mind healthy food, I just don’t care to cook for myself all that much. Doing anything when you weigh 550+ pounds is difficult. I actually very much hate saying that aloud. It’s a shameful number. I was always big, but that big? That’s disgusting. Not to mention all of the social stigma that comes along with being so big. I was working to lower it a few months ago, but then about a month and a half ago I got bogged down. I was going to say I didn’t know what happened, but I do. I was signing onto the comp and foregoing the walk in order to talk to someone. It was stupid. I tried not to, but I’m such a fool for having someone to talk with, always hoping that the talk will become more. That was why I stopped walking. The diet stopped because I got lazy. I need to dig deeper and suck it up. I have no one to blame for this other than myself and I have only myself to change it.
So, if I can’t go where I need to go to find someone and if I can’t get myself right to be with them, I shouldn’t bitch about wanting to meet someone. I can give excuses as to why I want to meet them, but they don’t really matter. In the end, I just need to accept that I am not ready for it and work to get myself ready for it. It will happen when it happens and not a second sooner. All my whining will not speed it up.
You know, this entire thing started as a way for me to talk about what it was I wanted in a relationship. I kind of still want to talk about that, but now it feels like it will be some awkward, forced post script. Fuck it. I’ve already come this far, I may as well keep going.
With the exception of the times in my life when I am talking to someone and it seems to be (or has) headed towards something romantic, I do not actually see anyone in my mind when I think of ‘Her’. I have no single type that I am most physically attracted to. I have features I enjoy, but none of them are deal breakers. I am far more interested in personality, but even then I have no strong preferences. I do not think I could have preferences yet. I’ve never had anyone so I do not entirely know what I want or need. All I really know is that I want someone that enjoys physical contact. Someone that can stimulate me intellectually. Someone that enjoys goofing off but can be serious as well (I really am just a big kid). I want someone I can talk with.
I don’t entirely know. That really was as forced as I thought it would be. I can’t really know anything until I am out there more. One thing I realized this weekend while I was out at the bars with friends is that I do not care for that scene at all. I hate it, actually. I only go because my friends want to go. I feel no compulsion to go up to any of those women (with the exception of the woman that looked like Number 6…). I have no ‘game’, nor do I really want to develop ‘game’. That is not who I am. I am very honest and straightforward. I don’t give two shits about going to the bar and trying to find a woman that will go home with me and sleep with me. I don’t really want sex, I want companionship. I did want that before I lost my virginity, but I didn’t know how very different sex and companionship were. Before then, they were closely intertwined in my mind. Now that I know better and which of the two that I want, I know the bar scene isn’t for me. I’ll go out and I’ll enjoy hanging out with my friends, but that’s it. I won’t turn anything away, but I won’t actively seek it either.
So, with all of this in mind I start to really look towards my future. It still confuses me, but at least I can see things out there now. For a long time it was all darkness. I wasn’t even sure I would make it out there. I don’t know how long it will all take, but I’ll make it there someday.
I should be cleaning my rather messy room, or eating breakfast, or finally getting started on the painting I want to do, but yet again, I felt a need to write. This time, I’m not writing about love or heartbreak or the fucked up things in my mind. This time, I want to write about this blog itself. I want to write about what it is and what it means to me. I want to write about what it will be and where it will go. I also want to write about how it began, which means I start a new paragraph here…
This blog began as an extension of my healing process, which started about 2 years ago when I finally found work. I had blogged before, but that was on myspace and it was a very long time ago. The immediate precursor to this blog was talking with a friend. We had worked together for a couple years, but we hadn’t really started talking until about 4 months ago. Though I had been working on the issues in my life for a bit already, she was the fresh voice that helped me to really focus things and open up. I talked to her about things I hadn’t told many people. Outside of my best friend who had lived it with me, she was the first person I told about Anna, ever.
As we kept talking, I started writing on Facebook, opening up in small spurts here and there so that my friends and family could see. After about a month of doing that, I realized it just wasn’t a good place to be doing it. I needed to be doing it on a larger scale in a dedicated format. Facebook is good for updating what’s up, but it is not the place to expel your demons. So, I started looking at blogging sites. I had already had a tumblr for reasons I can’t even remember, but it didn’t seem like the right format. Then, my friend suggest wordpress. I checked it out and it seemed like a good fit, so I signed up and got started.
I jumped into this thing with both feet. I didn’t even bother to look into the backend mechanics of it or how it all works. I figured out how to post and it was done. I made my first post about 24 hours after signing up. I actually went through and made it look kind of good about 72 hours after signing up. I figured out categorizing about a week after I started it. Tags came a few days after that. The only thing I really knew from the start was how to write. This whole thing is moving pretty fast. I’m just hanging on and hoping it turns out well.
The instant I started with this, it felt right. I knew I had been missing this part of me and I was happy to have it back. Really though, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’m 22 (23 after I publish this) entries into it, and I really only know how to post and fuck with the themes a bit. I’m working toward figuring out how to make it run well, but I had to focus on the writing before I could ever get to the rest of it. And the writing is there. Sometimes it is still manic and fucked, but other times it is coherent and thought out. I can never predict how an entry will turn out, but I always know it will be me.
With that said, the next step is to get the blog’s appearance to reflect me. What it is now is just a theme that I can. It is somewhat dark and very grungy, but that does reflect me. However, it is not really me. Back in the day on myspace I learned html coding purely so I could change the appearance of everything. I didn’t like using the theme generators there and I don’t like using them here. Pretty soon I will cough up the $30 to get the ability to change the appearance of this blog to match who I am, as who I am is someone that has to design it all himself, from the ground up. That does mean I will also need to learn CSS coding, but that is fine. I love code language. Other people learn German, French, or Cantonese. I learn HTML, CSS, and JAVA.
Since I have the writing down and will be figuring out the appearance of it, the next step in this is figuring out the nuances and intricacies of how this whole site works. I suppose I don’t need to know that, but want to. If I’m going to do this, I am going to do it right. There’s no half assing it. I’m full ass or no ass. I may be slow about things, but I do try to do them as best as I can. (By the way, the full ass or no ass thing is a lie. I half ass shit all the time. It’s who I am, but I don’t half ass the stuff that matters.) Where was this paragraph going? Fuck it, let’s start a new one…
I foresee this blog going on for quite some time, though I know the subject matter will change. As the subject matter is me, it has to change. I am right smack-dab in the middle of changing my entire life, so it kind of has to change. For now, it will be able expelling my inner demons and getting this shit off my chest. While those things I am getting off my chest have centered around love and loneliness, there are other things I still need to get off my chest. I still haven’t talked about bullying much. In fact, I haven’t really gone into anything that happened before I turned 18. That is an entirely different can of worms though. I have to deal with the most recent issues in my life before I can go back to my childhood traumas, but I think I do need to go there too as they affected me just as much as the stuff I’ve been talking about here. I still also need to talk about religion and how it relates to me. I do believe in the Christian God, but it is far more complicated than that and I have many blogs to write on my thoughts on that.
Music has also not made much of an appearance here, which is incredible considering most of my days are filled with it. Though I will talk about music and how it relates to me, I would also like to spin this blog off into doing music reviews. It is something I flirted with before, but never really got into much. Even if I do not do reviews, I would like to talk about albums as a whole and how they affected me. Music is a driving force in my life. It has always been there for me. It touches every part of me. It even touches on much of what I have talked about in past entries in that every woman I have ever cared for has an album or band that reminds me of her, which is a blog I’ve been trying to figure out for the past week.
I should start working on improving my writing as well. I know that I ramble. That works well enough for what I am doing now, but if I want to get into writing other things and really growing this, I need to learn to be a better writer. I have the words, I have the allusions and imagery, but I don’t really have the structure. Well, I don’t have a good structure. In truth, my blogs are structured much like my mind in that they are mildly cohesive, slightly scattered, and entirely unique. Writing has never really been something I focused on. It was always something I just did. I think it is just another extension of my art and artistic ability. It just happens, very much on its own. I took no classes and I’m sure it shows, but it is not as fractured as it should be without having taken classes on writing.
In truth, I do not have grand plans for my writing. It will always be with me, but it will probably always play a secondary (or tertiary) role to my painting and my drawing. Painting is my true artistic love. It is what I am working on to make a career out of. The painting is what will provide for me in the future, even if I still have to have a real job for now. I do need to paint more, but my current schedule makes that difficult. A compressor is too loud to run at 2 am when I get off work. I am trying to figure it out though. I do get to do some painting before work on occasions. I would love to be able to do more painting though. I’m only just getting started with it. I really only have two styles I do right now, space and water/koi. I know I can do more, as those two things are things I can’t even begin to draw but painting them is natural. Much as with every other aspect of my life, there is still a lot I need to learn in painting. It will happen though.
To end this, I know I got away from talking about this blog some, but such is what happens when I let my mind go. However, it didn’t stray far. In talking about where this blog will go, it is natural that I would need to tie in other aspects of my art and where they will go. This blog is an extension of my artistic abilities just as much as it is a way for me to work through all that has happened in my life.
I want to write tonight. I don’t really have a strong urge to say much, I just feel like I should. I’m probably going to be away from this for the next week. In about 2 hours, I leave to go on a trip. I’m excited for it, but I fear I have placed too much on it. I had expectations and hopes for a time, but as the day has come closer those have fallen away. All I can think of now is the moment I get there. I’m excited for that moment, but I fear getting hurt. I seem to be really good at finding things that will hurt me and then diving head first into them.
In truth, I have little to say. Mostly, I just wanted to write to say that I would be away and this may be the last post for a little while. I don’t expect to do much writing while on my trip, though it’s always possible as I will have the comp with me for work. Adieu, I will see you on the other side with new eyes and new ideas.