Lost and Searching

Deflated: The Pitfall of Being Excited

I really should know better than to think something good might happen without me busting my ass. Why would that happen? If I want something I have to bust my ass for it. I always seem to forget that when it seems like something good might happen though. I want to hope for the best and it always gets me when reality sets in.

I thought I was going to be able to buy a car, get a new computer. I was so wrong. I did get a new phone, some new clothes, and a few comfort items, but I’m still without the major items that I want/need.

What I really thought I was getting was a reprieve from years of struggling just to make ends meet. I’ve had a job for about 2 years now and I’m still struggling just to get out of these holes. I know that’s not all that long, but it feels like forever. I just wanted one bright spot where I could say that things finally turned around.

It’s rough seeing people around me in their mid to late 20s that have their shit together, doing whatever they like. Dating; living on their own; getting married; having kids; buying cars, houses, toys, whatever. I’m living with my mother, struggling to pay my bills and doing it all on my own. I don’t get to live rent free with my parents like so man others do.  I haven’t had a car in 6 years. That has meant foregoing a lot of things because I can’t fucking get there.

I’ve been stuck here for a long time. It’s easy to overlook how much a car means until you have to rely on others to help get you around. I can’t go shopping unless my mom is home and lets me take her car. I can’t go out with my friends unless someone is willing to pick me up. I can’t go out and drive around just because I want to. I can’t just run up to this or that on a whim. I have to plan everything if I want to go out because I need to know how I will get there and how I will get home because I can’t just drive on a moment’s notice. It is very isolating, which is rough. Yes, I am a solitary creature by nature but it isn’t easy being forced into it because I can’t get anywhere. I can’t go to people and people choose not to call me when they do stuff because they know I can’t get there and they don’t want to pick me up (which is fine, it’s their choice and I’m not going to be upset with them for not wanting to pick me up, I wouldn’t want to either).

I’m doing a bit of boo-hooing, but, really, I’m still a bit further ahead than I was 3 months ago. It just sucks thinking I’ll be able to actually get somewhere and then have it taken from me. I’ll get there eventually by working my ass off, it just would’ve been nice to skip 2+ more years of struggle.

It just fucking sucks being poor.

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