There have been major romantic story lines in just about every single one of the shows I watch regularly this week. Abed and Troy, Troy and Britta, Mike and Rachel, Leslie and Ben, Nick and Jess, Raj and the girl from the comic book store, and a couple others I can’t think of at the moment. It has been odd but good. 3 of them brought tears to my eyes. I’ve even dreamed of romantic encounters, though I don’t remember details. Is it a sign? Is it just coincidence? I don’t know. I’d like to think of it as something positive though. Things are rocky for me but everything feels like it is right on the precipice of happening. Like it is waiting for one final push and it will all happen.
I hope it does. Solid good would be nice for a change. Things have been hesitantly good lately, and I am happy about that.
I watched American Hardcore last night. It is a documentary about the rise and downfall of the Hardcore Punk scene across America. It was very inspiring. Watching Ian MacKaye talk about pulling apart the sleeve for a 7″ so they could figure out how to make them themselves and then gluing together 1000+ of them for their first singles was incredible. Seeing everyone talk about their role in the scene and the passion they still hold was inspiring.
They didn’t do it for fame or for money, they did it because they wanted to make music and that was the only way they could.
After watching it though, I have to wonder to myself: What music from today would get this kind of documentary 20 years after it died? I can’t really think of any. Yes, we have a few bands that will probably stand the test of time, but I don’t see anymore Black Flags, SSDs, Minor Threats, or Bad Brains. I’m not holed up in the past either; I am always out there searching for new bands. I see greatness out there, but I do not see any bands that are starting a scene they way these guys did. It’s a shame. We could use that nowadays.
Part of why this is inspiring to me is that even though I bitch about my personal life and certain things I am lacking, I am trying to apply the DIY ethos to my life. I am attempting to create a business out of nothing. If I want to get paid to make art, I have to be the one to put my stuff out there. Nobody is going to just magically hand me money for it. If I want this to amount to anything, I am going to have to get out there and do it. I have been trying to do this. I have drawn at least one piece everyday since I got my tablet. I have even managed to find my own personal style, though I will also find more as I play with the tablet.
Though I have mostly used my blog to expel my demons, it is also a place for me to put my art out there and eventually promote it. All that I am doing now is the precursor. My blog is a stepping stone. It is a toe in the water of running my own website. I spent about 3 hours last night researching websites and figuring out what I need to do to get one up and running. I learned HTML coding many years ago, I have a basic knowledge of CSS, and I have been designing images that I would love to use as backgrounds for years. I look forward to putting all of this into a website someday soon. Probably far sooner than I even realize just yet.
I keep trying to write, but I never get very far. I feel like one of two things has happened. Either I have cleared an entire level of all major threads and am just grasping at cast off threads culled from the longer ones while I search for a path to the next level. Or, I’m searching through in the dark, grasping at the threads and unable to see more than a bit at a time, following it down and sussing it out only to forget where I was and where I am going.
I think it is the former. I don’t feel as heavily burdened, even if I still feel the weight of all I want.
I am on the verge of major changes. I’ve been talking and planning and very soon I will be doing, as best as I can. Until I get there though, I don’t have much to say.I want to say it all, but it just doesn’t want to come out yet. I think this was inevitable though. There had to be a lull in the entries at some point. I don’t want it to be, but I think it needs to be. I won’t be completely gone though. There are still a few things I want to write about that I know I can, but the more introspective stuff like I have been doing will slow for now.
I will also transition to posting art once I get to making it more. My wacom tablet comes later today, so I plan to do a lot of playing with that. I will also be switching shifts soon and should have more time to paint in the near future. I have a longboard, a canvas, and a few other things I need to paint. Once I make art more, I think I can then leverage it into a job of some sort on the side. That’s the hope anyways. Eventually, I want to make a living off of it but that’s not always easy. If it is what I am supposed to do though, it will happen. I am open and listening now and will follow whatever I feel I am led to do.
Well, I’ll not say goodbye or farewell or anything of that sort. I’m not really going, I am growing. See you on the other side.
On top of the 5 entries I have posted this week, I’ve tried to write about 5-7 other entries that just wouldn’t form. They were all very fractured and incomplete. I’ve felt drawn to write whenever I started them, but I have been unable to form the thoughts that are floating around. I’ve tried to write about love, loneliness, friendship, music, and more. The music one is the most complete, but even that wouldn’t finish.
I think I’ve said all that I can on most of those subjects for now. Most of my entries have been about love or loneliness and I think I’ve come to the end of that for now. It doesn’t feel like the past where it would build up to the point of being overwhelming. This time, it feels like I’ve just talked it to its stopping point. There’s not much more I can say. I think that going forward, I need to just put it out of my mind for a time. At this point, talking about it can’t do anything else for me, so I need to just accept that I do not have love for now and that I am to be alone for a while longer yet.
These past 4 weeks have been tumultuous and exciting. So much has happened and I’ve written about all of it. I have written at a furious pace and part of me feels like I need to keep it up, which is ironic considering I felt like I was posting too much when it was happening. The reality is, I don’t need to write here. I do this because it helps me focus my thoughts into something far more coherent than what happens in my mind. My mind is a… unique… place. I’ll not lie, it is extraordinary. However, that translates to working on so many different levels that I can’t always keep track of them all. This blog is here to help me find the threads in some of the levels and follow them and place them in some sort of order that makes sense to myself. Once they are ordered, I can distinguish them from the tangents that form around them and find conclusions to the thoughts.
I’ve talked with my best friend about this blog. It kinda pisses him off. He wishes I would talk to him directly about stuff in this blog and wonders why I can’t do that when I can post it so freely here for others to read. I’ve tried to explain it, but I am not that great in face to face chats. Here, I have hours to find and craft the words. Face to face I have seconds, and while I am quick witted, real answers don’t come that quickly for me. I need to think about how to say stuff before I say it. While I write this in a manner that suggests I am writing to a large audience of readers, I’m not. I just don’t know how to write any other way. I’m only writing this to myself. Yes, I post it to the internet at large, but I don’t expect anyone to read it. I would like for that to happen, but I don’t expect it.
I can’t entirely explain why I post this. I think I just want people to know who I am and understand me. As my best friend pointed out, I want to be accepted. I’ve rarely ever been accepted for exactly who I am. That’s not the entire reason for it though, it’s just a small part of it. I think I just want people to know who I am. I have always felt invisible. With few exceptions, I have always felt replaceable. I want to feel somehow special. I know, “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”, but doesn’t everyone want to feel special in some way? I want to feel like someone needs me in their life. I know my best friend feels that way, but that is very different, though that may just be taking him for granted which is wholly unfair. I wouldn’t be anywhere if it weren’t for him, but there is one role in my life he can’t play.
It’s that role that I write about so much. It is the one thing I have yet to have any experience with and it is the thing I’ve been looking for the longest. In truth, I don’t know why I want it so badly. There is a very distinct possibility that I will find someone and find out that I really don’t want that. In spite of all my talk of loneliness, I’m actually pretty good at being alone. I can take care of myself well enough and don’t need someone around me at all times. In fact, I have problems being around people in general. I don’t really like them. Because of that, relationships may just fail for me. However, I have always felt a longing to be with someone. All I have to go on is how I feel when I have a woman to talk to that seems to be progressing towards something other than friendship. The only real conclusion I can come to about all of this is ‘I don’t know’.
That brings me back to my original point: I need to put those thoughts of love and loneliness aside and focus on other things for now. I can’t put anymore of myself into fretting over whether or not I will die alone. If it happens, it happens. Until that day, I need to put my efforts into better myself and my position in life. Right now, I’m still pretty emotionally crippled. I’m also pretty fucking poor. I have a job and make enough to get by, but only barely. I’m tired of surviving. I want to start thriving. If I put this crap out of my mind and focus my efforts on my art, I think I can start doing that. Once I start thriving, then other things will fall into place and begin to happen.
It will never fully leave my mind though. It’s been too big a part of me for too long. I will always long for someone, but I can choose not to focus on it.
Fuck, this is all so scattered and broken. I don’t know if it makes any sense at all. I don’t think it matters though. This whole ‘fixing myself’ thing is being invented as I go. I’ll probably fuck it all up, but I have to try. I should see a therapist, really, but I can’t afford that. So, until I can, I wing it and hope for the best.
I’m getting tired of what it is I am writing. I feel like it is all I talk about. There is more to me, but if I get right down to the core, this is what comes out. I also feel odd talking about it. Love is a subject men are, traditionally, not supposed to care much about. Everything you see portrayed is men getting suckered into it. That is not true of course. I know I am not a lone male with these thoughts, but I often feel that way.
I think I need to start working on a more concrete plan for what I want out of my life. For many years I have been working on ideals alone. I’ve been thinking in the abstract with ‘love, a career, family, means to take care of myself’. If I want to see any of those things, I need to start defining a plan, figure out what it takes to get to all of those things and start doing things to work towards it.
I haven’t actually done that in a very long time. The last time I really had any guidance for my life was when I was still in High School. All I really knew then was that I had to work towards finishing school and then get into college or some sort of secondary schooling. Once I got there, you add that to everything else in my life and I was one very lost young adult. I have also never been the one to set the goals for myself. Finishing school and moving onto secondary school is a pretty standard goal set.
At one point in my life I thought I was meant to be a pastor, but with everything that happened, that just wasn’t going to happen, so I moved on to my secondary dream of working with cars. To that end, I went to UTI and got myself into massive amounts of debt and found that the industry doesn’t give a flying fuck about whether you went to school or not. The automotive industry can be harsh. They don’t want to apprentice anymore, from what I have seen. When I moved back to Oregon to lick my wounds, I applied at every shop I could find and never got a single call back. Granted, I was looking at the start of the recession, but all they wanted was old guys with 10+ years of experience. It didn’t help that dealership work was not for me. Custom work is where I wanted to be, but that is even harder to get into than a dealership. So, I was just lost and couldn’t find my way out.
However, now that I am on the upswing and getting my life sorted, I think it will go better this time. I do want to eventually get back into the automotive field, but I am not as set in that as I was at one point. I do currently have a job, but it is not a career. I would not at all mind doing what I am currently doing if there were opportunities to move up, but I have not seen that there are yet. With that in mind, my ultimate goal would be to make art of any kind and get paid to do so. The dream would be to be the head artist at a custom car shop, but as long as I am making art, able to support myself (and then some), and happy I am fine with any job. Right now, I enjoy my job, but I am barely surviving.
To that end, I need to figure out what I need to do to achieve that. I believe, to start, I need to keep doing more of what I have been doing. I need to continue painting and drawing and working on enhancing my skill. As I start to do that, I can start getting out some to find paid work that I can do to further my skill. Building a portfolio and getting better at painting are imperative to getting into the field somewhere. I think that between now and when I get into the automotive field again, I will start an Etsy page (or something, I am unsure yet) and start doing some commission work on shoes, shirts, and anything else people want. As I do more paid work, that will allow me to start upgrading all of my gear for painting, eventually making it possible to do bigger and better things. Right now my set up is fairly basic, so I do need to keep in mind that it needs attention as well.
That is not the only career path I see for myself though. I have also been idly looking into distilling. It is something my best friend and I are interested in doing and may get started sometime in the next year. There are many possibilities in that if we can figure out a god recipe for our rum. Starting a boutique distillery is a possibility, if we can find backers and have a good product. In addition to that, I would love to stay at my current job as I do love it, but as yet, there is no path of upward mobility. If I am to stay with this job, I need to at least know I can move up eventually. I really want to stay with it though and even if there is no path, I would likely stay with it far longer than I should.
I guess now that I have a weak outline of a career path, I should start working on a path for my love life. The problem with that is, I have no idea. That is entirely a mystery to me. I do not know where to go to find someone.
That’s a lie. I think I have always known where I would find someone, I just avoid it because it means dealing with more stuff head on. The only real answer I have is church. That presents many problems though. While I believe in the Christian God and that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, I have a lot of trouble with church and religion. Many terrible things have been and are perpetuated in the name of the Christian God, among others. I do not believe in many of the same things that other Christians believe in, so I do not call myself a Christian. I believe in evolution, to a point. To deny evolution is folly. You can see it all around you. My one objection to evolution is that I do not believe we are descendant from apes. While we are similar, I do not see strong evidence for it yet. I also have objections to how people interpret the rules and guidelines that are set forth in the Bible. I believe that many of the Jewish laws were there as a way to perpetuate the Jewish people and make certain that they survive, but I do not know that it is necessarily still true today. I believe that above all else, Christ came to free us from those laws and that he taught us that we should love one another.
However, I will not go further into that for this blog. That is a very large can of worms that I will save for another blog, though it seems much closer today than it was before.
What I am trying to say with that is: as much as I understand that I should go to church and that that is where I am most likely to find someone to spend my life with, I am very much not ready to start going to church again. There are still things I need to reconcile in my life before I can start going back to church. The whole thing is difficult for me. I will get there eventually, but there is still much left for me to work on.
Before then, I still need to work on my own issues. One major thing I need to work on is my weight. It is a hindrance, and not just because fewer people like big people. How is anyone supposed to love me as I am if I do not love me as I am? I hate my body. I am trapped within it. It holds me back from many things. I do what I can to persevere in spite of it, but I can only ignore it for so long. I have to deal with this, now. I can’t put it off until tomorrow. I’m actually not all that afraid of dying because I am fat. I just know that it is another aspect of myself that I need to change if I am ever going to get myself right. I can do all the mental healing I want, but if I still look in the mirror and hate what I see, it won’t do me any good.
That means I need to start walking again, to start. I also need to start eating better. I do not mind healthy food, I just don’t care to cook for myself all that much. Doing anything when you weigh 550+ pounds is difficult. I actually very much hate saying that aloud. It’s a shameful number. I was always big, but that big? That’s disgusting. Not to mention all of the social stigma that comes along with being so big. I was working to lower it a few months ago, but then about a month and a half ago I got bogged down. I was going to say I didn’t know what happened, but I do. I was signing onto the comp and foregoing the walk in order to talk to someone. It was stupid. I tried not to, but I’m such a fool for having someone to talk with, always hoping that the talk will become more. That was why I stopped walking. The diet stopped because I got lazy. I need to dig deeper and suck it up. I have no one to blame for this other than myself and I have only myself to change it.
So, if I can’t go where I need to go to find someone and if I can’t get myself right to be with them, I shouldn’t bitch about wanting to meet someone. I can give excuses as to why I want to meet them, but they don’t really matter. In the end, I just need to accept that I am not ready for it and work to get myself ready for it. It will happen when it happens and not a second sooner. All my whining will not speed it up.
You know, this entire thing started as a way for me to talk about what it was I wanted in a relationship. I kind of still want to talk about that, but now it feels like it will be some awkward, forced post script. Fuck it. I’ve already come this far, I may as well keep going.
With the exception of the times in my life when I am talking to someone and it seems to be (or has) headed towards something romantic, I do not actually see anyone in my mind when I think of ‘Her’. I have no single type that I am most physically attracted to. I have features I enjoy, but none of them are deal breakers. I am far more interested in personality, but even then I have no strong preferences. I do not think I could have preferences yet. I’ve never had anyone so I do not entirely know what I want or need. All I really know is that I want someone that enjoys physical contact. Someone that can stimulate me intellectually. Someone that enjoys goofing off but can be serious as well (I really am just a big kid). I want someone I can talk with.
I don’t entirely know. That really was as forced as I thought it would be. I can’t really know anything until I am out there more. One thing I realized this weekend while I was out at the bars with friends is that I do not care for that scene at all. I hate it, actually. I only go because my friends want to go. I feel no compulsion to go up to any of those women (with the exception of the woman that looked like Number 6…). I have no ‘game’, nor do I really want to develop ‘game’. That is not who I am. I am very honest and straightforward. I don’t give two shits about going to the bar and trying to find a woman that will go home with me and sleep with me. I don’t really want sex, I want companionship. I did want that before I lost my virginity, but I didn’t know how very different sex and companionship were. Before then, they were closely intertwined in my mind. Now that I know better and which of the two that I want, I know the bar scene isn’t for me. I’ll go out and I’ll enjoy hanging out with my friends, but that’s it. I won’t turn anything away, but I won’t actively seek it either.
So, with all of this in mind I start to really look towards my future. It still confuses me, but at least I can see things out there now. For a long time it was all darkness. I wasn’t even sure I would make it out there. I don’t know how long it will all take, but I’ll make it there someday.