Lost and Searching


Awaiting the Sandman: Desires Unfulfilled

I don’t understand why I want someone in my life so badly. I can’t tell you where the desire comes from. I can’t even tell you what exactly the desire is. Sometimes it is to feel someone beside me. Sometimes it is to feel comforted. Other times it is to feel like I have someone to share myself with. Occasionally it is just to fuck someone. I see no reason behind it, no pattern. It is just there and sometimes the want of it drives me to tears.

I do not understand this at all. I don’t even know if I will want a relationship once I have one. I am a very independent person. I don’t often need people around. In the past 3 weeks I have seen nobody but my mother. I haven’t talked to anyone but my best friend, my mother, my aunt, and a couple work colleagues. I speak for less than 30 minutes per day, on average. I do not need human contact to survive. I can get along fine without it. Yet, in spite of that, the desire remains. It confounds me.

I have been ignoring it lately though. I’ve been swamped at work since I got the promotion. I’ve been drawing a lot since I got the tablet. In all, I have rarely had time to think about it. Yet, when I lie down to sleep and I do not pass out right away (like tonight) it is all I can think of.

I don’t want to think about it. I can’t really do anything about it. But, still, the thought is there. Haunting me. I wish I could truly put it aside. It is irrational. I understand it is an impossibility, yet it persists.

It will drive me mad one day. Probably sooner than I think. I just want it to be done before it takes what little sanity I still have.

I think I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am by someone other than my family (and my best friend is 100% family). I’m tired of being a friend. I love very easily. It’s a curse, but only because it has never brought good into my life. Those I have loved have always called me friend…

I’m not even going to pretend that this is sane. I am not that.

Love, and What I Want it to Be

This started in another entry, but I realized it deserved its own entry. Love is something I have always wanted. It touches everything in my life. It is what I crave and want. It means many things to me. It is simple and easy. It is also complicated and difficult at times. In truth, I have no direct knowledge of love outside of unrequited love. I’ve never had a woman love me, as far as I know. Love is something they talk about in books, songs, and movies. Those are what I know of love, sad as that may seem.

Let’s talk about the things I see and want. I see someone I can talk with. I see goofing off and being childish. I see hand holding and shy looks. I see her lying next to me, head on my chest with our arms around each other. I want to know what it’s like to have someone look at you and smile because they can’t help it. I want someone that enjoys the things I have done for years that have made me feel foolish. I want to do stupid little things that make us laugh. I want stolen kisses and foolish giggles. I feel foolish saying all of this. It seems too much to want. It also feels odd to say it out loud, like I’m not supposed to say it or even want it. I’ve never really expressed what I want from a woman out loud. I’ve internalized it much as I have everything else in my life. Why should I have voiced it? I’ve never found anyone that wanted to give me even the smallest parts of it. It’s really only the things I think of that hurt me the most as I so often expect to never get any of them. These are also the things I think of when I think of love and I’ve only experienced, maybe two of the things here.

I’ve never really had a woman in my life. I’ve never been on a date. The last woman I kissed sober was a decade ago and even the drunken ones were few and far between and number under 5. I’ve only had one girlfriend and, honestly? I can argue that down to being entirely one sided and possibly nullified. While I have spent several months at a time talking with a woman, I have spent less than a week in the presence of all of those women, combined. I can’t help but look on all of this and feel pathetic. I have experienced almost nothing.

But, now comes a question I’ve never had before… should all of that matter? Does that lack of experience really mean that much? It is only me that worries about it and hurts for it. Until I tell someone, they will not know any of this. And how do I get experience but by going out and doing? Am I once again just fretting over things needlessly? Wouldn’t surprise me, I’ve done it my whole life. I think I need to learn to let go of what has and has not happened in the past and just focus on what I have in my present and set up a few things for the future.

My mom brought up a good point the other day in relating the changes I am making to AA/NA. I’m rediscovering myself right now and shedding the things that have held me back and down for far too long. In a sense, it is kind of like kicking an addiction. I am having to relearn how to do things and how to live again. The point she made is, they ask you to wait a year before you get into a relationship because you are having to relearn all of this stuff. Maybe I should just put it out of my mind for now and focus on the other things I do have and work on those. That’s not to say I would deny something if it came about, but I have so much else I have to deal with, fretting over relationships is an added stress. Granted, it is one of the biggest things I have to deal with, but I’m not entirely ready for all of that. I’m still finding myself. I need to focus on getting myself right and growing those things that I do have.

With that said, I will try and heed it, but I also know that I will still always wonder about love and relationships until it finally happens for me. When it is something you’ve wanted since you were a teen and have always been denied it, you can’t help but wonder. It is just always there on some level and I can’t really turn it off. I just want the waiting to be done, but I know I still have much waiting ahead of me.

And thus, the waiting continues…

I can see that things are changing. I can see that things will be happening. I understand this, and am aware of it, but I am tired of waiting for it. How patient does someone have to be? I realize I’ve only really cared for a few short months, but that doesn’t change that I’ve waited for damn near a decade. Though I can see that it will happen, I have no idea if it will be tomorrow or 5 years from now.

How much patience is required? I’ll wait as long as I must, but the waiting is painful. Every day that goes on I feel my loneliness. It compounds. It consumes. It crushes. I have hope that it will leave me, but I cannot escape it. This is one thing I cannot face alone. Not even my friends can help it, not really. They can do much, but they cannot fill the void that craves to feel for another that feels for you. No matter how close you are with your friends, they cannot give you the intimacy that comes of a relationship.

I’m tired of… everything. The waiting. The doubting. The hating. The fear. The pain. Anger. Silence. Sadness. Heartache. Emptiness thinking wondering listlessnessunknowingunendingloneliness. All of it. I want to be truly happy. I don’t want to survive on these small blips of happiness; spread out just close enough for me to live but far enough away that I begin to forget that the others existed as I seek the next one.

Even now, I hope that it is close, but I have never felt further from it.

If it had been my choice, it would’ve been easier, but it wasn’t. I may not have been in the right place for it before, but I don’t understand why that precludes me from having anything. There are plenty of people out there not in the right place for it that seem to get it at will, so why can’t I? I know some people are better at certain things than others. I mean, matters of the mind are simplistic to me, much in the way matters of the heart are easy for others. Wasn’t a fair trade really, the intelligence instead of the whatever the hell it is some people seem to have with finding others. I doubt they even realize that there is more to intelligence than they know, but I am fully cognizant of what I am missing. I think on it every day. It keeps me awake at night. It eats at my soul.

There’s no real ending for this one. There can’t be. Not until I find what it is I seek. Until then, it will cling to everything that I am. I just have to fight it off and keep it from destroying me again, as it did in the past. I am staving it off better than before, but still it whispers to me, letting me know it’s still there.