Lost and Searching


And So the Words Poured Forth, Heedless to His Protests

Come January 1st it will be 4 years since the last time I kissed someone.

That stat sucks. It feels really fucking pathetic. Even worse is: I was blackout drunk, only remember parts of the night, and kept calling her the wrong name. I honestly can’t recall how it felt.

The time before that would’ve been a year and a half earlier… also blackout drunk. Before that was however many
years, but I was 16 and it was barely even a peck on the lips.

It is such a simple thing.

Or is it?

I had sex, but I wasn’t allowed to kiss her. The woman before her that I almost lost my virginity wouldn’t let me either. So clearly it is not simple to everyone.

And yet, people get drunk and make out all the time. I don’t know which people, clearly, but I hear it happens. It’s odd how either can mean love and feelings to different people.

How can I even have opinions on these things? I’ve kissed three people and fucked one. There are thousands of teenagers with more experience in love and sex than I have. I can’t help but feel naive and pathetic in the face of that.

What have I done so wrongly to have gotten here? I was taught that good things come to good people, but the world has shown me otherwise. I’m no saint, but I haven’t perpetuated enough bad to have earned such stark loneliness. If this is a test, I don’t see the lesson. I don’t even remember signing up for this class…

If only I could sleep and ignore this all. I don’t want to write; what comes out now is akin to madness. I can’t stop it though. It will consume me if I don’t expel it, but I fear what comes if I publish.

All I want is to share myself with someone, but I fear that if I do I will only drive them further away. It happened the first time and the last time. I need to find the right one to open up to, but I don’t know of she exists or how to find Her if she does. I would give it all for an hour.

An hour seems so meager, so paltry. But when compared to all of the other hours spent alone, it is the only on that matters. It is the only on with meaning. I would trade them all for that one.

But it is a trade no one wants.

Asperger’s: My Greatest Unknown

As you may have noticed, I haven’t posted much lately. I haven’t been idle, I just haven’t been able to form my thoughts into anything I would want to publish. I have mostly written about love, pain, and the desire to get past it all. Familiar topics, but explored in a different way, I think. I’m not entirely certain though. I just know I’m tired of the subject but I have never felt it more strongly.

Earlier this week I got drawn into some forums for those with Asperger’s. It is something I have suspected I have for a number of years now, though I have yet to be diagnosed one way or the other. In reading those forums, I saw myself in them. I identified with many of the things posted there. Seeing that stirred unexpected things within me. Since I figured out that Asperger’s is a likely diagnosis for me, I hadn’t cared a whole lot about clinical diagnosis. The self diagnosis was good enough for me. But, as I read through everything and noted how much of it was a constant struggle in my own life, I decided I wanted to know for certain. I want to get tested. So, I am trying to find a psychologist that can help me with that. It won’t be easy given that I barely make enough money to survive each month, but it is worth it.

What really drew me to start looking through the Aspie forums was me trying to learn more about Aspies and dating. It is not impossible, it is just very difficult. It’s like learning an entirely new language. It’s a language I want to learn though. I am so tired of being alone in this life and writing about how much it hurts is not going to make it any better.

It can only get better through action, but action is difficult for me. I am a man of thought, much to my demise. So, while I will attempt to try and go out some, the main action I am taking is to get tested. If I find that I do have it, I have a starting point. If I don’t… well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

I have another post I will make tomorrow. I finished up a drawing and will post it. After that, I am still trying to figure out what to do with this blog. Only time will tell.