Lost and Searching

Art

The One Who Never Left

The One Who Never Left

You are the one
Who never left
You are the one
Who never was

The apparition
Of my mind
The only love
I’ve never known

The One Who Never Left inset 3 2The One Who Never Left inset 2 The One Who Never Left inset 1


Dust in My Throat; Barbs in My Heart

Tendril heart

I know that I could love you
With the passion of a thousand poets
But I keep it all to myself

I would paint you a thousand pictures
Perfect and beautiful
To capture every part of you

I would write you a thousand love songs
Romantic and pure
To let you know you are loved

But all of my words turn to dust
Catching in my throat
And keeping the words from you

So I hold it all in,
Knowing that the joy of your presence
Is better than the pain of your denial

But my love is unrequited
Misplaced and hurting
Poisoning everything between us

Because you cannot do the same
I will always love you more
Than you will ever like me

One thing I have realized lately is that while I do not bond easily with people, the bonds I do develop are very deep. I don’t get into friendships (or more) easily, but when I do I go all the way in. So when I develop a crush, it is very strong. Thus, if it has to end, it is very painful. I have to dig out a very deep and sensitive tendril that burrowed deep into my heart and there is nothing but pain in it. After a while, the majority of it is out and I’m just left trying to excise the little bits that shot off from the main tendril and dug in deeper than the rest. Sometimes they’ll wriggle and painfully let me know they’re still there. Other times, I’ll come across one and see its atrophy and remove it painlessly.

But, no matter how hard I try, each and every one of them left at least a single barb in there that I can’t get at. It’s in the deepest parts of my heart. The section I can’t cut into without destroying intrinsic parts of myself. So, they’ll always be there; occasionally reminding me of each of your faces, your smiles, and your names. Because no matter how much I hurt afterwards, I did love you for a time and I cannot forget that.

 


Welcome Home – Part 1 of ‘The Ongoing Story of Him’

Welcome Home

 

This was the 4th drawing I made one night and the first in what would be an ongoing series dedicated to my own life. When I drew it, I had just switched from Holywood to Good Apollo I’m Burning Star IV: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness. Until now, I hadn’t ever given much thought to how perfect that album title was for the situation. In truth, it was chosen because it is a favorite album of mine and it soothes me. I draw much inspiration from it, having heard it hundreds, if not thousands, of times since I found it. It is one of the most important albums in my life, and it seemed only fitting that I would listen to it this night.

The original plan for the drawing session had been to listen to all 3 of Marilyn Manson’s albums about his fallen god in order, but after I finished Holywood, I started to think about the woman I was kinda-sorta involved with at the time and how that relationship actually existed. Being in the state I was in, actually seeing that I was not special to her in the ways I needed to be special was threatening to collapse my psyche and throw me into a downward spiral. So, I hastily changed albums and settled on something that I knew would bring me back from the brink and put me back into a safer place. It was my safey-safe. And there began my journey in art and self-exploration.

The upper right – ‘I almost lost you’ – came about from nearly spiraling when the album changed from Holywood to Mechanical Animals. When it was averted, I simply wrote the line on the page. At the time, it felt like a note to her, but looking back, I think it was just as much a note to myself. I nearly lost my mind delving into a situation I really wasn’t prepared to deal with that night (it took me nearly 8 months from that date to finally confront it and I’m still dealing with it today).

The words are ‘*MROW*, ‘My Dear’, and ‘Whore in Sheeps Clothing’, which come from “Keeping the Blade”, “Always & Never”, and “Welcome Home”, respectively. At the time, they were written to my first. They were evocative of our childishness (the *mrow*’), my unrequited love (‘my dear’ crossed out), and my eventually pain and lashing out (‘whore in sheep’s clothing’). They are floating in the scribbles, buried in them and written upon them. They were always on my mind, as the scribbles represent. But they were also shrouded in chaos.

These words were just the ones that came through as I was drawing, but the entirety of the lyrics of the three songs represented here capture the emotion conveyed within. They speak of the pain of loving and having nothing returned. Of wanting and not being needed. In “Always & Never” the Writer says ‘I’m still waiting here, my dear/For one kiss from you’. While this, to me, speaks of loving and wanting, there is also a literal interpretation in my own life: I had just one kiss with my first love, a very chaste peck on the lips, and I have been waiting for the next one for the past ten years. Not from her, but from anyone. With ‘a whore in sheep’s clothing’, I am not wanting to call her a whore. More accurately, it is about her being something other than what I saw and my inability to cope or be with what she truly was. I loved what I thought I saw, but the reality was far different from what I wanted and needed.

While I had my first in mind when I drew this, it turns out that it was quite apropos to the situation I was dealing with at the time. So much of that played out as an accelerated replaying of my first kinda-sorta relationship. It’s eerie. Even the names were similar. I cared deeply for both of them and they both came about during very chaotic times in my life. Looking back, it seems that the last one was there to close out the first. Through it, I found closure. I was finally able to put her to rest and move on from her. And while I am still working on moving past the latest, I was not crippled the way I was with the first. This time, I am hurt but I am not giving up and running from it all. I have chosen to stick around and deal with it, even if I can no longer do it directly with her.

 

This series, taken from a single night of drawing, was drawn with my future in mind. When I did it, I thought it dealt with who I was talking to at the time. I wasn’t wrong, exactly, I just wasn’t right about what it meant. She was there, but not as I saw her. She was a ghost reborn and she exited far sooner than thought. I think that going over all of this and finally posting it all and talking about it will be my way to say goodbye. As I lay it bare to the world and analyze it in the written word, I am seeing it in a new light. I am finding things within it that I hid from myself before. It was far deeper than I ever expected.

I showed all of this to her, but it didn’t go as planned. I had hoped to share it with her, but I ended up just showing it to her. I think that was part of why I decided to leave. It was then that I realized that things were not as I had seen; that I had blinded myself to her because I was in need of closeness, which she could not really give. I had imposed things upon her subconsciously that she could never have lived up to. For that, I am sorry. For the rest, I am hurt.


Sleeping Alone

Another Night

This is every night in my bed. Unless I pass out drunk or exhausted, I end up staying up for anywhere from 20-100+ minutes just lying there, waiting for sleep and trying not to think. Most nights there is at least one time in this pre-sleep limbo that I will unconsciously reach over and feel where someone would be if I were not alone in the bed.

I’ll be 27 in 3 months and in my life I have spent all but 5 nights alone in my bed. 4 of those happened just a few months ago. I’ve never slept better than I did those 4 nights, but now I feel the absence even more strongly. The time before that I was 20 and my roommates interrupted because they didn’t want the night to end yet.

That is a lot of nights alone. Almost 10,000 of them (less if you discount the times I slept with my parents or friends as a child). That means roughly 99.95% of all nights I have been alive have been spent alone. It’s a devastating thing to see out this way, really. I have desired companionship and intimacy for over half of my years, but I’ve never known it. I’ve wanted to be held, but I’ve never had it. I’ve wanted to hold, but the times I have number less than a handful. I do not enjoy being alone, yet it is all I have ever known.

 

As it ties in with sleep and came after drawing this picture, I’m going to add a second story to this post rather than create a new one.

Last night when I went to sleep, I ended up having an amazing and unexpected dream. In it, my best friend and I were out and about and decided to go into a porn shop (not sure why, but it seemed like a good idea). When we went in, my friend went to a vending machine to buy a gourmet dessert (dream logic, eh?). While he was doing this, I decided to sit on one of the couches that they had in the foyer of this place. As I sat down, a very cute woman came up to me and started talking with me. She had the most amazing Russian accent and we were having a fantastic time talking. I eventually move closer and kiss her chastely on the cheek.

At this point, everything changes and we are suddenly at her family’s house having a huge Russian feast to celebrate something. We’re going around and she is introducing me to all of her family and we are having a wonderful time. I remember being nervous while I was there, as though it was the first time I was meeting her family. Overall, it seemed like a grand and joyous occasion and I remember a sense of loving all around.

 

That sort of dream is relatively unique for me. I never get the girl in my dreams and happy dreams such as this aren’t too common either. I rarely have nightmares, but most dreams I have a very abstract or suspenseful. Because of this, it was a nice change of pace and a great way to start the new year.

 


Struggling With the Past

I wish that I could forget you. And you. And all the rest. The memories are painful. No matter how good it was to live them, they are forever tarnished by the fact that we will not be.

I know I should remember them for what they were and cherish them for the happiness I felt, but with the life I’ve had, I can’t. No matter how good it was, we never actually were. I was only your friend. None of you could love me the way I wanted to love you and knowing that degrades the happiness that I had.

Maybe one day I can look back and remember you all fondly, but not this day. On this day I am still alone and all I have is hauntings.

You were all my mistakes. If we had dated, I could forgive myself of them. But we didn’t and I cannot. I cared in spite of myself. I always knew I shouldn’t, but that hurt little boy that imagined a new family when his life fell apart wouldn’t let me leave you be. He had to cling to you and try to force his dream upon you at my expense.

I’m sorry that I ever cared. None of you wanted of me what I wanted to give. However, I will always care. I’ve hurt myself for it, but if I don’t care I can’t find someone that will care for me as well. It hurts so fucking much, but it won’t always be this way. There will be at least one that cares. I hope. I cant think about that possibility anymore…

In a Pharse digital

 

This was the 6th of 12 or so drawings that I did one night while listening to Good Apollo I’m Burning Star IV Vol. I. I was in a transcended state at the time and have been looking for meaning in these drawings since I finished them. I realize that this is just shoved into this post here, but it will come around and make sense, I just didn’t have a good way to fit it in to start. (As a quick note, I did go over the couple digitally. My scanner sucks and either blew out the colors or didn’t pick them all up.)

When I first saw this image, I thought I was seeing the embrace of lovers. It was beautiful, seeing them lying there together. As I continued to look on it over the weeks following its creation, my understanding of it began to change. As my personal situations changed, my understanding of it became deeper. Yes, this is lovers intertwined, but it is a fleeting moment. He can never say the second part of that lyric, the follow up to “In a phrase to cut these lips…”. The I love you will not come. He knows it is fleeting and that though he loves her in this moment, and she may care for him, it will not last. She is ephemeral, fleeting. He loves her, but she will not stay with him. So he bites his tongue and enjoys what he has while he has it. He’ll hurt soon enough, so he holds tight to the joy that he has, knowing it will sour when it all ends.

He is me and the drawings tell a story. They tell the story of my struggle with love, of all things I want, what little I have had, and, possibly, what I may one day find. It started with Anna and putting her to bed and it ended in blood. I will post it all one day, or I may add pieces of it here and there to posts as it fits in with them.


The First Inklings of an Outpouring

I wish you would be cruel to me. Harass me, belittle me, use me, hurt me. The most painful gift you have ever given me is your kindness. I want to hate you, but I can’t.

The above has sat here for a while, written to every woman I had pined for. I should write more about it, but I can’t. My writing has mostly left me lately. It’s not that I am uninspired, it is that I can’t seem to make anything coherent. I have bits and pieces, but no cohesion. It is all just spattered across the page, waiting for clarity. I’ve even had trouble drawing lately. Work has been stressful. The new position is much more than I expected.

 

I’ve been thinking about love a lot, though that is nothing new. What is new is how I have been thinking about it. Rather than just pining painfully for it, I have been trying to figure out what it is I want and what it is I think love is. I have come to some conclusions but I have raised more answers than anything else. I know now that one of thing biggest things I want is to be held. I don’t think a woman has ever held me. It seems awkward, considering my size, but it is not so unreasonable.

 

I don’t know. As my words fail me, my art grows. This past week I have been working on a new piece. It is a continuation of the series I have done previously, but it is also a huge growth. I worked on learning an entirely new style based on the Japanese ink drawings of waves. It is my take on it and I enjoyed doing it. I don’t have much to say, really. I think the piece speaks for itself. As for the rest of the stuff I have talked about here, there’s a real blog post about it to come at some point, but I have no idea when.

 

 


A Week of Drawings, Day 7: Clarity/Chaos

Decided to play with patterns and effects today. Didn’t need the tablet for much, but this exercise of drawing one picture a day has been about exploring creativity more than anything else. I bought the tablet to urge that along, but the tablet is not always necessary. There are still things I will do better with the mouse and random effects/tools.

 

Now that I have come to the final day of this exercise, I’m going to shift focus on this blog, again. Thus far it has been everything I have needed. It has been my sanity and my catharsis. It has allowed me to start opening up about everything in my life and to explore myself further. However, I have done all of this at a furious pace. While I know that this blog is completely self-indulgent and that readership is tertiary or lower, I am aware that there are people that read this and such a hard pace can make that difficult. So, I want to adjust it and focus myself.

I want to try and start focusing more on the quality of the content now. I’ve got more than enough fodder here for people to read for quite some time while I work on figuring out the next step. Given that, I would like to try and start taking my time with posts and actually craft them rather than let them spew forth from me. I know I have strong writing abilities, I just need to try and focus them now. I have poured forth much of my soul in these first 55+ posts, but now I need to bring my intelligence and thought to it. It is time for me to start focusing all that has swirled around inside of me as I wrote the previous posts and form it all into discussions of these things rather than ramblings diatribes to myself. As I have stated before, there is much that I wish to do with blogging and the internet in general. This change is a move toward doing more of it.

I am trying to decide if I want to go with a cadence of weekly or every 2-3 days. Figuring this out may mean a short lull in posting, but I will try to avoid that. I may shoot to have a big topic once weekly with art, music, or other things on a secondary schedule. I believe that I will also set up a Facebook page for my art so that I can post it there when it is finished and then highlight certain pieces here.

I also need to decide if this change necessitates a new blog dedicated to this scheduled and more polished style. I think it would look cleaner, but I am unsure of whether I want to do that or not. If I did, it would mean setting it up as a more professional blog while leaving this one for my personal stuff that I have been doing.

 

And, with that semi-coherent mess, I will post this and sleep. I will see you all on the other side of it all.


A Week of Drawings, Day 6: Good Night

 

On of the more detailed in the series so far. I had initially planned to make this an animated gif where she faded away, but after I finished it I couldn’t bring myself to remove her.

 

This one is… yeah. One of those ideals I don’t expect. These images so far have been snapshots of all that I want and have talked about, mostly. It feels good to get the image I see in my head onto paper, er, whatever this is. I’ve got one more left, though I don’t know if I’ll have time. I’m leaving to go spend some time with my sister for her birthday, then sleep, and then I should be going out tonight for the first time in a few weeks. Hopefully I’ll get something up for day 7. If not, I’ll finish it Sunday.


A Week of Drawings, Day 5: Idle Time

 

Not much to say on this one, really. I had a good talk with my best friend yesterday so I thought I would draw something involving friendship in some way.

 

I have something big planned for either tomorrow or the next day. I am off for two days, so I plan to spend more time drawing. Who knows, I may even take my lappy and tablet with my Friday night and draw drunk. I don’t think I’ve ever drawn drunk. On acid, yes, but never drunk. I still need to post those pics…


A Week of Drawings, Day 4: Screaming in the Void

 

 

I had had a very different idea in mind for this particular image, but I had thought of it in the midst of wracking pain as I fell asleep and forgot what it is I had wanted to say on it. The background is meh, in my opinion. I would’ve preferred to do something more, but I don’t have that skill yet. I could have gone and found an image and used it, but that’s not really my style. It gets the message across though.

 

There’s also a fair amount of fandom in this, though at least one of them is entirely my own interpretation of it. I’ll not say what they are, as I prefer to leave it to be found by the audience.


A Week of Drawings, Day 3: Battle

 

Something new, kinda. The tentacles show up from time to time. Not sure why. The rest of it is just playing around and learning. I would like to get to the point where I can do stuff in a finer manner. I’ll get there soon enough.


A Week of Drawings, Day 2 Bonus: Peace

 

Found some more time to draw. I find that as I draw these characters more, I am refining them and they are becoming more detailed. Not much to say about the image, really. The color in the background was influenced by my music choice today. I was listening to Hide and Seek by the Birthday Massacre, whose album colors always have violet and purples in them.


A Week of Drawings, Day 2: Pain

 

Drawing #2. Happened fairly quickly; it was drawn during my lunch break today. I may go ahead and draw a second picture later, not sure. I’ll probably try a different style if I do. Or, I may work on uploading the pictures I have drawn previously. I’ll find out when the time comes. For now, it’s time to finish my shift at work.


A Week of Drawings, Day 1

Sometimes you try to put pen to paper (or tablet, in this case) and nothing really wants to happen. Other times it flows like Niagra. I don’t know which this will be today. I haven’t started yet, but I have felt conflicted on what I wish to do. However, my unspoken goal has been to make one drawing per day. I haven’t been perfect, but I have tried. I am going to see if I can do that for this entire week, from 10/14 to 10/21. I’ll post them all here be they good or be they shit. It is what it is and nothing more.

 

For today the music of choice is Babel by Mumford & Sons. Maybe not. Got a few songs in and for some reason, the audio quality is choppy. It keeps going in and out. So, Florence + The Machine it is.

 

I need to stop doing this right before I pass out so I can actually write something coherent here.

 

Honestly, this one did make me feel as greatly as the last few have. I am happy with it though. Originally, I had thought of using ‘Surrogate lover’ as the opening text. I think it would still work, but I think the imagery for that phrasing was too strong and not quite what I was going for.

 


Serenity: The Lost Ideal

 

Probably one of my more detailed drawings as of late. I’ve been trying to leave the drawings unpolished on purpose, but this one wanted finer detail. It is also not often that what I see in my head translates so well when it hits the page.

 

I have more images of this style that I want to post. They were drawn during an event I won’t spell out, but I will say that it was transformative and has affected my current self. When I finally get them scanned and posted, I want to then do a digital form of many of them.


Self Exploration Through Creating

I am so ready to be done with all of this emotional bullshit. I am trying to put it out of my mind and to focus on other things, but it just isn’t happening. It is so plainly obvious in all of my artwork that I do. All I see in my last two drawings is loneliness and pain. I mean, I’m drawing fucking hearts and hand holding. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that. The void of it taints everything in my life. I can’t figure out how to change it. I’m not a very social person. I know nothing will change in my room, but I don’t know where to go or what to do.

Enough is enough though. I’m not ready for it. I know I’m not. I want it so badly, but it’s not time for that yet.  And you know what, it’s good that it comes out in my art. My art should say something about me. To that end, I spent my lunch break at work and a bit of time before work creating a new piece.

 

 

I don’t typically talk about what a drawing means. I like to allow the viewer to assign their own meaning to it. However, I feel like I should on this one. This is a very personal image. More so than the others. At the center, is me. He is surrounded by people. I made them slightly opaque to signify that though they are there, he can’t see them.

 

I’m actually not entirely certain right now. I’m at least half asleep.Yes, it’s 2 in the afternoon but I wake up around 10 pm each night for work. I just know that I don’t draw myself often, though it seems to want out a lot more lately. Maybe rather than writing what I am feeling, I can translate it into drawing about what I am feeling. I did that today. I’m surrounded by people that care about me, but I can’t always see it. I still feel very much alone. I’m not though. As I have been writing these blogs for the past 2 months, family and friends have been coming out to tell me they have read it, they are here for me, and that they admire what I am doing here. When I did this, I never expected anyone to read it, but to hear that the people in my life read it and care about it all means the world to me.


Finding My Style

 

This is actually part of an unintended series. I did several other images in this style a while back but I have yet to post them anywhere. I plan to eventually though. I’m kind of enjoying this style of drawing though. It’s about time I actually developed a style entirely my own.


Experiment in Scrawled Art

Decided to play with my tablet some more. I wanted to see what it was like writing with it and using a scrawled style like I use in some of my pencil or marker art. I like that I was able to add a textured background to it instead of just a solid background like it would have had had I drawn in in pen.


Self Portrait

I got my graphics tablet today, finally. It’s a Wacome Create. Got a killer deal on it and I am so incredibly happy to have it.

 

As I said in my last entry, I didn’t get to play with it at first due to work, but once I did… oh man, it was on. I did something I haven’t really done in years. YEARS.

 

I drew a self portrait. I hadn’t planned on it, I never draw myself. I rarely even take pictures of myself. But, when I started, this is what happened.

 

 

It’s not 100% me, but it’s the me I see. It is the me I will aim to be. It’s not perfect, but I am in love with it. I have never before really drawn a person in color. I mostly made it all up as I went on, but I think it turned out well. I have plans for another “self portrait” that I want to do in the near future. It will be the full form of the version of me that I see in my mind, but I need to play more and get better before I can do that. I’ll get there though. If I can do this in the first time playing, I think I can do better with application.

 

There is a bit of a disconnect when drawing with a tablet as you are looking at a screen and drawing on something entirely different, but it does not feel like it will be a heavy learning curve. It is already starting to feel more natural to me. I am excited to see where all of this goes.


Image

Cacophonous Resonance

Cacophonous Resonance

Sometimes, you find new shit on photoshop and you distort it to the point that it should be broken, and then you make art with it. This is what that looks like.

Started fiddling with adjustments and then I found the threshold adjustment, which I used to push an image until it cracked and bled, and then I pushed it some more and found color by accident.

Speaking of photoshop, I will be going out to buy a wacom tablet tomorrow. I don’t entirely know what I want to draw yet,but I know that it will really open up photoshop to me. Until now, I have just been fucking with stuff in it. I mostly have to work with brushes created by others as well as assorted other settings that I can use to make the random and the abstract happen. Once I get the wacom, I will be able to draw things on my own, which will release me from the limits that I have had until now. I’m pretty excited about this and I can’t wait to finally get it and start playing. If I can make stuff like this with a mouse and settings, I have no idea just what I can do with my full artistic abilities available to me.


Art, Impatience, and Manifesting My Changes in the Physical Realm

I’m not really sure what I want to write. I kind of want to bitch at myself for whining about love and loneliness so much, but that doesn’t feel right. I do talk about it a lot, but I think I’m finally managing to come to peace with where I am and am nearly ready to finally let it go and just wait and see what happens while I work on other things.  Really, I just don’t know anymore. I’ve shaken out a lot of stuff this past week and now I’m trying to sort it all. I shouldn’t be so impatient though, it’s only been a week since I dealt with some of my largest issues and a few months since I really started working on any issues. There’s only so much that can happen in that amount of time, but because the waiting extends far prior to the working, I keep feeling like it should have happened. I know better, but that doesn’t always quell the thoughts and impatience. So, my goal for now is to work on patience and work on my art and healing myself.

 

Speaking of art, I played with my markers last night. Ended up with a few interesting drawings. I’ll upload them here to share. I won’t go much into meaning or anything though. I do not like to assign meaning to my images (the exception to this being those that I drew while tripping). I prefer to allow others to assign their meaning to it. For me, the process of making art is very much chaotic and random. I am capable of drawing things that I see, but some things are done by simply putting marker (or pen, pencil, whatever) to substrate and seeing what the fuck happens. Of the three drawings I did, one was something I saw (though it took its own form) and the other two were purely random. One of the randoms I understand but the other is truly abstract, though it does have a form to it.

 

 

Unfortunately, my scanner blows out the colors some. I was able to adjust for most of it, but the faint orange that I use on the beak and on the winged one’s back do not show up correctly even after color adjustments.

 

Really not sure where to end this post. I’m still trying to get a handle on manifesting the strides I have taken mentally into the physical realm. To that end, I drew the pictures above, I have continued to clean and rearrange my room, and I have started trying to get back to eating healthy again. I still feel like there is much to do, but it will come in time. I am very much looking forward to my days off this weekend. I haven’t had a day off since last Thursday  which was supposed to be the day I was coming home. because of that, I have been somewhat cut off from friends (not having a car will do that, but that is my next big step). So, it will be good to get out there and see them this weekend. Maybe get some alcohol in me and just let the fuck go for a night.


Meta Blog: Blogging About the Future of this Blog

I should be cleaning my rather messy room, or eating breakfast, or finally getting started on the painting I want to do, but yet again, I felt a need to write. This time, I’m not writing about love or heartbreak or the fucked up things in my mind. This time, I want to write about this blog itself. I want to write about what it is and what it means to me. I want to write about what it will be and where it will go. I also want to write about how it began, which means I start a new paragraph here…

This blog began as an extension of my healing process, which started about 2 years ago when I finally found work. I had blogged before, but that was on myspace and it was a very long time ago. The immediate precursor to this blog was talking with a friend. We had worked together for a couple years, but we hadn’t really started talking until about 4 months ago. Though I had been working on the issues in my life for a bit already, she was the fresh voice that helped me to really focus things and open up. I talked to her about things I hadn’t told many people. Outside of my best friend who had lived it with me, she was the first person I told about Anna, ever.

As we kept talking, I started writing on Facebook, opening up in small spurts here and there so that my friends and family could see. After about a month of doing that, I realized it just wasn’t a good place to be doing it. I needed to be doing it on a larger scale in a dedicated format. Facebook is good for updating what’s up, but it is not the place to expel your demons. So, I started looking at blogging sites. I had already had a tumblr for reasons I can’t even remember, but it didn’t seem like the right format. Then, my friend suggest wordpress. I checked it out and it seemed like a good fit, so I signed up and got started.

I jumped into this thing with both feet. I didn’t even bother to look into the backend mechanics of it or how it all works. I figured out how to post and it was done. I made my first post about 24 hours after signing up. I actually went through and made it look kind of good about 72 hours after signing up. I figured out categorizing about a week after I started it. Tags came a few days after that. The only thing I really knew from the start was how to write. This whole thing is moving pretty fast. I’m just hanging on and hoping it turns out well.

The instant I started with this, it felt right. I knew I had been missing this part of me and I was happy to have it back. Really though, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’m 22 (23 after I publish this) entries into it, and I really only know how to post and fuck with the themes a bit. I’m working toward figuring out how to make it run well, but I had to focus on the writing before I could ever get to the rest of it. And the writing is there. Sometimes it is still manic and fucked, but other times it is coherent and thought out. I can never predict how an entry will turn out, but I always know it will be me.

With that said, the next step is to get the blog’s appearance to reflect me. What it is now is just a theme that I can. It is somewhat dark and very grungy, but that does reflect me. However, it is not really me. Back in the day on myspace I learned html coding purely so I could change the appearance of everything. I didn’t like using the theme generators there and I don’t like using them here. Pretty soon I will cough up the $30 to get the ability to change the appearance of this blog to match who I am, as who I am is someone that has to design it all himself, from the ground up. That does mean I will also need to learn CSS coding, but that is fine. I love code language. Other people learn German, French, or Cantonese. I learn HTML, CSS, and JAVA.

Since I have the writing down and will be figuring out the appearance of it, the next step in this is figuring out the nuances and intricacies of how this whole site works. I suppose I don’t need to know that, but want to. If I’m going to do this, I am going to do it right. There’s no half assing it. I’m full ass or no ass. I may be slow about things, but I do try to do them as best as I can. (By the way, the full ass or no ass thing is a lie. I half ass shit all the time.  It’s who I am, but I don’t half ass the stuff that matters.) Where was this paragraph going? Fuck it, let’s start a new one…

I foresee this blog going on for quite some time, though I know the subject matter will change. As the subject matter is me, it has to change. I am right smack-dab in the middle of changing my entire life, so it kind of has to change. For now, it will be able expelling my inner demons and getting this shit off my chest. While those things I am getting off my chest have centered around love and loneliness, there are other things I still need to get off my chest. I still haven’t talked about bullying much. In fact, I haven’t really gone into anything that happened before I turned 18. That is an entirely different can of worms though. I have to deal with the most recent issues in my life before I can go back to my childhood traumas, but I think I do need to go there too as they affected me just as much as the stuff I’ve been talking about here. I still also need to talk about religion and how it relates to me. I do believe in the Christian God, but it is far more complicated than that and I have many blogs to write on my thoughts on that.

Music has also not made much of an appearance here, which is incredible considering most of my days are filled with it. Though I will talk about music and how it relates to me, I would also like to spin this blog off into doing music reviews. It is something I flirted with before, but never really got into much. Even if I do not do reviews, I would like to talk about albums as a whole and how they affected me. Music is a driving force in my life. It has always been there for me.  It touches every part of me. It even touches on much of what I have talked about in past entries in that every woman I have ever cared for has an album or band that reminds me of her, which is a blog I’ve been trying to figure out for the past week.

I should start working on improving my writing as well. I know that I ramble. That works well enough for what I am doing now, but if I want to get into writing other things and really growing this, I need to learn to be a better writer. I have the words, I have the allusions and imagery, but I don’t really have the structure. Well, I don’t have a good structure. In truth, my blogs are structured much like my mind in that they are mildly cohesive, slightly scattered, and entirely unique. Writing has never really been something I focused on. It was always something I just did. I think it is just another extension of my art and artistic ability. It just happens, very much on its own. I took no classes and I’m sure it shows, but it is not as fractured as it should be without having taken classes on writing.

In truth, I do not have grand plans for my writing. It will always be with me, but it will probably always play a secondary (or tertiary) role to my painting and my drawing. Painting is my true artistic love. It is what I am working on to make a career out of. The painting is what will provide for me in the future, even if I still have to have a real job for now. I do need to paint more, but my current schedule makes that difficult. A compressor is too loud to run at 2 am when I get off work. I am trying to figure it out though. I do get to do some painting before work on occasions. I would love to be able to do more painting though. I’m only just getting started with it. I really only have two styles I do right now, space and water/koi. I know I can do more, as those two things are things I can’t even begin to draw but painting them is natural. Much as with every other aspect of my life, there is still a lot I need to learn in painting. It will happen though.

To end this, I know I got away from talking about this blog some, but such is what happens when I let my mind go. However, it didn’t stray far. In talking about where this blog will go, it is natural that I would need to tie in other aspects of my art and where they will go. This blog is an extension of my artistic abilities just as much as it is a way for me to work through all that has happened in my life.


Insani-tea and the Process of Making Art Out of It

So, I made art today.

I had initially planned to have a blackout from the comp today, but I was unexpectedly awaken by a doorbell. That doorbell proved to have been pressed by the Fed Ex dude and he had my new work laptop. That laptop happens to have an i7 processor, 6gb of ram, and Photoshop CS5.1. Needless to say, my inner nerd refused to let me not play with it. It’s all shiny and new and shit. I had to touch it inappropriately and get to know it. I’ve had a lot of fun doing this, too. Some of the buttons even look like the 60’s Batmobile. It’s kind of awesome.

That fun led to me playing with Photoshop, which I have not done in a while because my personal comp is a piece of shit and won’t let me use Photoshop how I would like to. It tends to be glitchy and spastic. That said, Photoshop on the work lappy is fantastical (really, spell check doesn’t ding fantastical? It’s a made up word, right?). I ended up porting over all my custom brushes from my personal PC and playing with them. Took about 20 minutes to figure out why they weren’t loading, but once they were, I got to play. I even played with some of the default brushes and learned some awesome new tricks, like the scatter setting on brushes. That shit blew my mind, and inspired me.

That takes us to the image I created. After playing with random brushes and the new-found settings I could fuck with, I decided to make a brush of my own. I went back to an old staple of mine for this. As girly as it sounds, I have always been fascinated with drawing unique or odd heart shapes. This particular brush drew on that fascination. I ended up drawing a very squared off and angular heart that I then filled with a bit of blocky line work. Filling things with rows of perpendicular and parallel straight lines has also been a fascination of mine, so it was a fun pairing. Once I had it where I was comfortable with it, I made it a brush.

Next came the fun part. After I had finished the brush, I created a large new blank doc and painted the background black, which happens to be my favorite canvas color. Once I had that, I started fucking around. I scaled down the heart brush, set the scatter and color variation and went to town. Ended up covering much of the page in very hot pink versions of the heart. In fact, I covered it so much that it ceased to be hearts and became an odd sort of texture. Once I saw where this was going, I ended up doing it a bit more with a very bright orange and then an extremely bright lime green. The color was splashed across the image in what should have been a garish disarray, but I found it oddly beautiful. I have always loved my abstract work most of all and love to put the brightest of colors into my work (even my space scenes are made with fluorescent colors).

I added my signature and thought that was it, but I was wrong. I actually saved a copy of that version and have it set as my wallpaper on the new lappy. But, as often happens, the inspiration was not over. As I looked at the image, I saw that there were elements missing. I grabbed the blur tool and ran it around the edges and softened up the harshness of the angular heart brush. I also played with the smudge tool, adding random bits of it here and there, combining two bursts of green over the pink and black chaos below. Thinking, again, that I was done, i sat back and looked at it. However, as before, it was not done. There was one final bit that it needed. To complete the entire piece, I pulled out an old brush I made by scanning a page from a book. That book happens to be The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and the quote is one of my most favorite quotes ever. I ended up cutting the page down to just the quote, stylized it some, and then decided that the piece was finished and ready to be posted around the internets.

In truth, the piece is garish and hard to look at, but I find beauty in that. I love making things that aren’t always easy to look at, but will leave you wanting to come back. So, now, I present you with the piece. For no real reason than the random, I titled it ‘Insani-tea’.