Things I’ll Never Know
I dream of things I’ll never know
The way you feel in my arms
The taste of your lips on mine
The way you breathe in your sleep
The way you look at me and smile
All of the little fears you tell
All of the dreams you share
Sleep riddled words over breakfast
Hearty conversation at dinner
Confessions from a bottle of rum
Laughter from our favorite movies
Inside jokes and silly looks
I dream of these things
I think of these dreams
And I hurt
Because I know
I know.
…
You have these dreams too,
But not about me.
The One Who Never Left
You are the one
Who never left
You are the one
Who never was
The apparition
Of my mind
The only love
I’ve never known
Maladaptive
When I wake up in the morning,
I lie in bed for an hour,
Our maybe just a half
I close my eyes
And let my mind wander
I think
And I dream
Of you,
Or you,
Or maybe even you.
And in this time,
I am not alone
As long as my eyes are closed
I am not alone.
It hurts when I must
My eyes open
And reality seeps in
No longer can I hide
No longer am I loved
For you are not here
And my life,
Just as my bed,
Is empty
But for me
I would give
What little I have
For my dreams
To come real
If even for just an hour
I Wanted Something Pretty: An Almost Love Poem
Knee socks
And auburn locks,
A smile that gently mocks
A beautiful body,
Demure but naughty,
She shares it humbly
The beautiful nerd,
She knows every word,
To every movie I’ve heard
I would hold her close,
Kiss her on the nose,
And listen to her woes
Perfection in my eyes,
Believing all the lies,
Ignoring all it implies
When reality must invade,
All those thoughts I forbade
She is nothing like what I made
For in all reality,
Her and I would never be,
As there is no one left for me.
I just wanted something pretty,
Unadulterated and full of beauty,
But everything for me was broken and shitty.
I think that this is as close to a love song as I can get for now. No matter how I start it, it always comes back to being hurt. It shouldn’t be surprising, really. Every almost relationship I’ve ever had has ended in pain. I can’t seem to stop it unless I never start it, but the loneliness of that is worse than any hurt I have ever felt at the leaving of someone I cared for.
Although, starting is just as difficult. I have trouble going up to anyone. When I try to, I feel that I am offending them by even showing an interest, which says a lot about my self-esteem and how I view myself.
Blood and Doubt
Always on the outside,
Forever looking in.
Withholding who I am,
And holding it within.
Words press against my lips,
Like an insect in its shell.
Rotting in my mouth,
And condemning me to hell.
I cut myself open,
Hoping to let them out.
But all that comes forth,
Is blood and doubt.
I do not know my fate,
But I know it’s not with you.
So I search and dig for hope
Through my jaded world view.
Wondering, is pain all I have,
Or is there something more?
If this is all there is,
What do I hold onto it for?
I have to find the strength,
To overcome my fears,
To slay these demons,
To step past these tears.
For the hope of something more
Is greater than the pain of nothing left
So I struggle on
Heartbroken and bereft.
forgotn 