Lost and Searching

Poetry

Things I’ll Never Know

I dream of things I’ll never know
The way you feel in my arms
The taste of your lips on mine
The way you breathe in your sleep
The way you look at me and smile
All of the little fears you tell
All of the dreams you share
Sleep riddled words over breakfast
Hearty conversation at dinner
Confessions from a bottle of rum
Laughter from our favorite movies
Inside jokes and silly looks

I dream of these things
I think of these dreams
And I hurt
Because I know
I know.

You have these dreams too,
But not about me.


The One Who Never Left

The One Who Never Left

You are the one
Who never left
You are the one
Who never was

The apparition
Of my mind
The only love
I’ve never known

The One Who Never Left inset 3 2The One Who Never Left inset 2 The One Who Never Left inset 1


Maladaptive

When I wake up in the morning,
I lie in bed for an hour,
Our maybe just a half
I close my eyes
And let my mind wander
I think
And I dream
Of you,
Or you,
Or maybe even you.
And in this time,
I am not alone
As long as my eyes are closed
I am not alone.

It hurts when I must
My eyes open
And reality seeps in
No longer can I hide
No longer am I loved
For you are not here
And my life,
Just as my bed,
Is empty
But for me

I would give
What little I have
For my dreams
To come real
If even for just an hour


I Wanted Something Pretty: An Almost Love Poem

Knee socks
And auburn locks,
A smile that gently mocks

A beautiful body,
Demure but naughty,
She shares it humbly

The beautiful nerd,
She knows every word,
To every movie I’ve heard

I would hold her close,
Kiss her on the nose,
And listen to her woes

Perfection in my eyes,
Believing all the lies,
Ignoring all it implies

When reality must invade,
All those thoughts I forbade
She is nothing like what I made

For in all reality,
Her and I would never be,
As there is no one left for me.

I just wanted something pretty,
Unadulterated and full of beauty,
But everything for me was broken and shitty.

 

 

I think that this is as close to a love song as I can get for now. No matter how I start it, it always comes back to being hurt. It shouldn’t be surprising, really. Every almost relationship I’ve ever had has ended in pain. I can’t seem to stop it unless I never start it, but the loneliness of that is worse than any hurt I have ever felt at the leaving of someone I cared for.

Although, starting is just as difficult. I have trouble going up to anyone. When I try to, I feel that I am offending them by even showing an interest, which says a lot about my self-esteem and how I view myself.


Blood and Doubt

Always on the outside,
Forever looking in.
Withholding who I am,
And holding it within.

Words press against my lips,
Like an insect in its shell.
Rotting in my mouth,
And condemning me to hell.

I cut myself open,
Hoping to let them out.
But all that comes forth,
Is blood and doubt.

I do not know my fate,
But I know it’s not with you.
So I search and dig for hope
Through my jaded world view.

Wondering, is pain all I have,
Or is there something more?
If this is all there is,
What do I hold onto it for?

I have to find the strength,
To overcome my fears,
To slay these demons,
To step past these tears.

For the hope of something more
Is greater than the pain of nothing left
So I struggle on
Heartbroken and bereft.


Dust in My Throat; Barbs in My Heart

Tendril heart

I know that I could love you
With the passion of a thousand poets
But I keep it all to myself

I would paint you a thousand pictures
Perfect and beautiful
To capture every part of you

I would write you a thousand love songs
Romantic and pure
To let you know you are loved

But all of my words turn to dust
Catching in my throat
And keeping the words from you

So I hold it all in,
Knowing that the joy of your presence
Is better than the pain of your denial

But my love is unrequited
Misplaced and hurting
Poisoning everything between us

Because you cannot do the same
I will always love you more
Than you will ever like me

One thing I have realized lately is that while I do not bond easily with people, the bonds I do develop are very deep. I don’t get into friendships (or more) easily, but when I do I go all the way in. So when I develop a crush, it is very strong. Thus, if it has to end, it is very painful. I have to dig out a very deep and sensitive tendril that burrowed deep into my heart and there is nothing but pain in it. After a while, the majority of it is out and I’m just left trying to excise the little bits that shot off from the main tendril and dug in deeper than the rest. Sometimes they’ll wriggle and painfully let me know they’re still there. Other times, I’ll come across one and see its atrophy and remove it painlessly.

But, no matter how hard I try, each and every one of them left at least a single barb in there that I can’t get at. It’s in the deepest parts of my heart. The section I can’t cut into without destroying intrinsic parts of myself. So, they’ll always be there; occasionally reminding me of each of your faces, your smiles, and your names. Because no matter how much I hurt afterwards, I did love you for a time and I cannot forget that.

 


My Maleficent Protector

I torture myself with every word
Those said and those unspoken
Looking for the meaning behind them
Laying myself open to their truth

I bathe myself in it
Seeking those things that hurt
Just so that I can feel
Just to avoid the emptiness

Numb for years and years
Looking for solace in anything
I cut myself upon the words
Seeking respite in the pain

I hold it close to my heart
Seething and burning
Worn like a cursed saint
My maleficent protector

When there is nothing but pain
The violence escalates
Feeding on itself
And breeding its filth

Corroding and consuming
Eradicating and extirpating
Destroying everything it touches
Until I am empty again

Where once I found perverted solace
There is abject nothingness
And the cycle ends
Waiting to begin again

 

I would give it all to you
If I thought you could handle it
If I thought you could survive
But you are not my salvation

 

 

I never asked for any of this
I just wanted to be normal
Instead I found comfort in pain
And gave it everything I was

 

 

 

I do not seek your ruin
The way you seek mine
I’ll destroy myself soon enough
With your help or without

 

 

 

 

Do I go on
Or does it end here
Where do I find the will
To choose one or the other


Writing to You: Ghosts of What Never Was

Do you ever spare a thought,
For the one you forgot,
Your misbegot?

Do I cross your mind,
With a thought unkind,
Or am I left behind?

But I know I do not,
For in everything I sought,
I knew it was all for naught.

Because I can see,
That it’s not me,
And we will never be.

No matter what I do,
Nor how much good I sew,
It is not enough for you.

I want to stop writing to you, or you, or even you. It’s pathetic at this point. There’s nothing but pain and sadness in the words I can give to you, for that is all you’ve given me.

I want to write to Her. I know there is something happy to write about there. Even if she turns out to be you, there will be a period of happy things to write. I expect to die alone, so I very much look forward to those brief times when you are Her, even though I die each time She becomes you.


I Just Wanted to Say

The words are on my tongue,
But they cannot pass my lips.
I try to speak my peace,
But my brain says cease.

I only wish to express,
The things I cannot confess.
How I burn for you,
Or how I love the things you do.

A feeling started too young,
And dreams of things undone.
I kept you away where I could see,
Hoping one day you and I could be.

Now that day has come,
And I can’t get it begun.
So I bide my time again,
And wish for a time unseen.


Because YOU Were Happy: A Poem About Pain

It didn’t matter
That I was sad,
That I was lonely.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I was in pain,
That I cried myself to sleep.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I hurt myself,
That I cut my flesh.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I wanted to kill myself,
That I was ready to say goodbye.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I had to hide this from you,
That I couldn’t tell you about it.
Because YOU were happy.

But it fucking mattered
That you didn’t see me,
That you didn’t care about me.
Because I wasn’t happy.

I wasn’t happy…


Letter to My Valentine, Redux

Ah, Valentine’s Day. This is, by far, one of the easiest holidays to hate (second only to Columbus Day, but that’s another blog entirely). However, the hatred is purely situational. I’m nearly 27 and have never had been on a date let alone had a girlfriend. I have never really celebrated Valentine’s Day because there is nothing to celebrate when you are ‘Forever Alone’. Nothing about this day is special to me. So, why shouldn’t I hate it? All it is is a reminder that I am alone, which is a fact I have trouble escaping most days, only to have it forced upon me on a random day in February.

That doesn’t mean I do hate it though. The only reason I dislike it is that I have no reason to like it. This is a day for love and lovers, and I have neither. If I had somebody, I would probably feel differently about this day. Maybe. I’m the type that will show his love at all times, so I do not need a day for people to tell me I have to show it. But there is a certain romanticism that comes with the day because of tradition. It is a day when you can go over the top in your displays of affection and it is considered normal.

In the end, I’m just waiting for a time when I can celebrate this day, but I will not celebrate the day for the sake of celebrating it. If I am going to celebrate it, it will be with someone I care about, not someone I found because society tells me I need to be with someone for a random day.

 

I’ve written about it before, a long time ago. It is one of my favorite poems that I have written. I was just 21 at the time and bitter. And that was back when I still really thought I’d meet someone soon. Never have I been so wrong. 6 years later and I’m just as far from love as I was that day, having gained naught but more heartache and a bit of clarity.

“Letter to My Valentine”

Fuck this day,
Today of all days.

What is it to a man who’s never loved?
Just another day, another one alone.

The day for love,
Is not a day for friend.

No memories of this day held dear,
Naught from any in a score of years.

I can offer no heart-felt platitude,
For there’s none my heart hath felt.

All I have is empty words,
Good only for deaf ears.

An addendum from an older writer without his fire:

6 years on and still alone.
6 years gone and never closer.

I’d trade all that time,
For just a day with someone that cared.

I’d trade it all,
For an hour in love.

If loneliness were currency,
I’d be richest of all.

But even if it were,
There are none that would trade it.

So I write my pain and bide my time,
Waiting for the one that will relieve me of my riches.

 

6 years on and it is still relevant. When I wrote this, I never thought I’d be closing in on 30 and still alone. The kid that wrote that had no idea what wasn’t in store for him. He hurt, but he still hoped. He had thoughts like ‘If I see 50 alone, I’ll just eat a bullet’ without realizing that it was entirely possible. That kid never thought he’d have sex and be more alone afterwards than he has ever been before.

I envy that kid some days. He didn’t know how much the world could suck. He wasn’t aware that the answers he sought would bring more hardship and questions than anything else. He thought things would turn out, because that’s just how the world works. Most importantly, he wasn’t jaded.

And now (after I had written the above two paragraphs), I have written a second part to the poem. It is far less bitter than the original, but it seems somehow more sad. The original raged at the idea of the holiday because he was hurt, but you don’t get that angry unless it means something. The new verse accepts that loneliness is inevitable and has resigned to the fact. The original screamed ‘FUCK YOU! Love me too!’. The new one whimpers ‘Don’t let me die alone’.


Denying That Which I Know

I spent a lot of time denying
Things that I knew.
Hoping if I didn’t say them,
Then they couldn’t be true.
But it never changed
Just how I loved you.

You weren’t my first,
And you won’t be my last,
But it hurts all the same.
You told me we wouldn’t be,
But my heart could not accept
What my mind could see.

I only wanted love,
But all I found was pain.
And now I try to forget
So that I might love again.
And pray that she won’t hurt me
The ways that you have.

 

I’ve written a lot in this blog. Of all that I have written, it is the poetry that I love the most. In it, I am able to make something beautiful out of my pain. I’ve written a lot of poetry about my pain and the effects of unrequited love. In truth, this was never what I wanted to write about. I have always wanted to write love songs. I wanted to write about beauty and love and passion, but I’ve never known any of that, so I couldn’t write about it. So, I ended up writing about dark things, weaving beauty into the words as best as I could. No matter how dark, I always tried to write it in a poignant or interesting way.


I’m Sorry: An Apology To Myself

I am sorry, so sorry.
I’m sorry for everything that I let happen to you, for all that I could not stop.
I’m sorry for all the children, the ones that caused you pain.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t stronger, that I didn’t stand and fight.
I wish that I could have done something, but I ran away in fright.

I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I could not love you.
I’m sorry that I mutilated you and took my anger out on your body.
I’m sorry that I didn’t learn a better way, one that left you safe.
I’m sorry that I pushed you away, and forced you to hide.

I’m sorry that I ran from you, that I did not stay to help you heal.
I’m sorry that I didn’t see just how bad you hurt.
I’m sorry I was so weak, that I could not show you love.

I’m sorry that you could not turn to me,
I’m sorry for ignoring your pleas.

I’m sorry for everything that you didn’t get to be.

But you are me and I was you,
And we were scared and we were broken.
We didn’t know how to handle it,
We didn’t know what to do.
We tried so hard, but we fell so far.

But I am here now, I will not leave.
We can talk it all out,
We can finally heal.
I’ll never leave you again.


With Lips Sealed

All you ever had to do was ask
I would have been yours
No reservation
No hesitation
Body, mind, soul
I would have been yours

But you never thought to ask
It never crossed your mind
Not even once
Not even close
Just a friend
It’s all I ever was

I tried to show you
What I could not say
I loved you
I love you
With everything I am
But I could not say

I knew what would happen
The words would come
And you would run
Forever gone
Without a word
With no second thought

So here I sit
And so I burn
With lips sealed
And words unspoken
Just to be with you
Though I can never have you