I dream of things I’ll never know
The way you feel in my arms
The taste of your lips on mine
The way you breathe in your sleep
The way you look at me and smile
All of the little fears you tell
All of the dreams you share
Sleep riddled words over breakfast
Hearty conversation at dinner
Confessions from a bottle of rum
Laughter from our favorite movies
Inside jokes and silly looks
I dream of these things
I think of these dreams
And I hurt
Because I know
You have these dreams too,
But not about me.
People always have things to say about my being single.
“You’ll find someone soon!”
“It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
“You’re lucky, you don’t have to put up with _____.”
“God has a plan for you.”
They think they’re helping, but they aren’t. They don’t know. It’s also different than when they tell this to their friends that have just gotten out of a relationship. I’ve never had one and I long ago passed the age where you’re supposed to have at least some semblance of an idea of what goes into dating. The older I get, the more difficult it is. The more I’m supposed to know, and the stranger it is that I don’t.
I won’t meet someone soon. I don’t go out. I don’t talk to people. I have the same group of friends I’ve had since I was 12. I can barely hold a conversation with the person at the checkout, so how am I supposed to meet someone and start dating? And when you expect to die alone, how can you possibly expect it less?
The people that say I’m lucky because I don’t have to put up with whatever bullshit relationship issue they choose are just fucking morons. They don’t know what it’s like to be alone like I am. When they look at being single, what they see is the freedom to do what they want without anyone to hold them accountable. They think of the annoying things that their partner does. They don’t think of the pain that comes with it, the crushing emotional and spiritual pain. They don’t remember all of the small things their partner does; the small comforting touches, the kind looks, or the intimacy that they share. They aren’t thinking about what it’s like looking at their bed and knowing that, for the X00th day straight, they get to share it with nobody. They also do not realize that when they are alone, they have touches and lovers to remember; that I have none of those small comforts. When I close my eyes and think of the women I have loved, I have to remember that not a goddamned one of them felt the same for me, that I have continually sought woman that want nothing to do with me.
And, finally… God did have a plan for me and I’m pretty sure I fucked it away 9 years ago. I know what it was, and I fucking ran. I hated Him and I told Him to take His plan and fuck off. I wasn’t going to do what He wanted after all He had let happen to me. I was angry, and spiteful, and a stupid fucking child. I made my biggest mistake for petty grievances and I’ve suffered the consequences. It’s not rational, I know, but in spite of all I have seen and learned, I can’t shake my faith in a Higher Power. I know all of the logical reasoning against a Higher Power, but there’s still that voice at the back of my mind that says “But what if you’re wrong?”, and so I believe, even if I can’t yet bring myself to live it. And if I believe, then I have to accept that He has plans, and that there are pros and cons to following them. I can’t dwell on the what-ifs, but I can see where the path diverged.
Always on the outside,
Forever looking in.
Withholding who I am,
And holding it within.
Words press against my lips,
Like an insect in its shell.
Rotting in my mouth,
And condemning me to hell.
I cut myself open,
Hoping to let them out.
But all that comes forth,
Is blood and doubt.
I do not know my fate,
But I know it’s not with you.
So I search and dig for hope
Through my jaded world view.
Wondering, is pain all I have,
Or is there something more?
If this is all there is,
What do I hold onto it for?
I have to find the strength,
To overcome my fears,
To slay these demons,
To step past these tears.
For the hope of something more
Is greater than the pain of nothing left
So I struggle on
Heartbroken and bereft.
The journey I sought was not one of worldly adventure. I didn’t want to travel the world and see the wonders of the world. I didn’t want to climb Everest or go on safari in Africa. I didn’t want to see the pyramids or visit the wailing wall. I never wanted to jump out of a plane or off a building.
The journey I sought was very different. I wanted to spend my entire life getting to know somebody. I wanted to live with her and love her. I wanted to start a family and have children. I wanted a house with a garage where I could work on cars. I wanted love, and that was all.
The journey I got was nothing like either of those. I ran from my fears and struggled to make it this far. I fell so far that suicide was an option I considered. I took the dark rode, the one you never want to see. I didn’t mean to. I ran, and I got lost.
The journey I have now is one of rebuilding. I’m trying to put the pieces back together, those that got broken on the way and those that were always broken. It’s a long journey and it isn’t easy. There’s still much left to rebuild though.
Blah, blah, blah.
Write, write, write.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I want to write. I want to use this to progress in my life. But as I stated in the last post, I’m stalled. This goes deeper than just my desire and ability to write. I’m having trouble getting started in other things in my life.
I have been afraid to get started painting or making art. I’ve made it in fits and spurts, but I haven’t really started in earnest yet. I want to, but I’m afraid to. It’s daunting. I know it’s what I should be doing, but it’s hard to start. I’m afraid to fail at it. It’s everything and if I fail, I’ll be more lost than ever before. That thought stops me in my tracks. Because of it, I am trying to figure out every possible aspect of it so that I can solve all the problems before I encounter them and assure that I make it happen. I want to do all that I can to make sure that I succeed because I don’t know what to do if I don’t.
It’s absurd, really. I cannot solve all the problems. I cannot even conceive of all the problems. But, fear is not rational. Fear is the mind killer. But I do not know how to overcome it. It has always held me back. Fear of self. Fear of others. Fear of being alone. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of many things. It eats away at me. I don’t know where it came from. I can’t seem to get past it.
Everyone always tries to encourage me and tell me to ‘Just go out and do it’, but I don’t understand that concept. How can you just go do it? What if you make the wrong first step and it messes everything up? Then you’re on an entirely different path and have to figure all of that out, and if you get another thing wrong you’re rethinking it all again. I don’t really get ‘winging it’. I can do it in some aspects, but the big things are too big for me to do that. It all has to be planned and deviance is strife, and strife is something that is to be avoided.
It’s insane, really. To think that I have to account for all possible outcomes before I can even start. I might actually be insane though, or at least partially so. I know I’m something. I think it might be asperger’s, but schizophrenia or a number of other things may be the issue. I’ve never been able to find out though. I can self diagnose all I want, but I need someone outside to tell me. Because of this not knowing, living life is like playing with only half the book. I can get some of the stuff, but other stuff is just… missing. Sometimes you find pages here and there and fill in blank spots, but it’s slow going. I feel broken because of it. I’ve always felt broken.
I have to figure it out in spite of that though. I know I can’t live in fear, but I don’t really know any other way. All I really know is this is no way to live. I don’t like it. I haven’t particularly enjoyed most of the life I’ve led so far. It’s actually been pretty shitty.
God damnit. All I can think right now is ‘I just want someone that I can share this with. I’m tired of doing it alone’. I know I have family and friends I can talk with, but… I’m afraid to do that too. I don’t want them to think less of me. Another absurd statement, but it is what it is. This is when I feel like I want someone the most. That won’t change anything though, I’ll still be the broken little boy. I’m still very, very lost and the more I get stuck in my head, the more lost I feel.
Not only have I not gotten started with painting, I have also completely stopped eating healthy and exercising. I keep saying I’m going to start both of them tomorrow, but I don’t. I want to, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I haven’t actually done shit in the past 3-ish weeks except write and work. A lot of it stems back to my trip. Even though I got much to think about out of it, it was still a failure of sorts. It was good, and I had to do it, but I still failed. I left early and though I left with other things, I did not leave with what I had really wanted. I’m still alone, even if I still have her as a friend. It hurts to lose that hope. I know that I’ll find it again, but I liked the thought that it might be in front of me already.
More than it hurting, it pissed me off. I’m very tired of thinking I see it and misinterpreting it. I’m also angry that I see it all around me yet I can’t fucking have it. I don’t understand why I can’t. I’ve always felt as though it was withheld from me by something larger than me and that it was dangled in front of me and then taken back. I have always felt that it was entirely out of my hands. I have heard so many fucking times how nice I am and how they hope I find someone because I ‘deserve’ it. It’s actually pretty demeaning to hear that, especially from someone you were hoping to pursue. If I somehow deserve it but have not had it, it means there is something defective in me that keeps it away. I don’t think I deserve it though. I don’t see how one can deserve to be loved. Being kind and good doesn’t entitle you to anything, except that society says it does. Except, society shows that it doesn’t. It is the ruthless and the cutthroat that progress the farthest.
I’ve gone from crying while writing this to being so upset and angry that I wanted to hit something as hard as I could until I bled. Obviously, I found a tender thread. I’m so tried of all of this. I just want to skip ahead to where I already have it all figured out. There isn’t a single fucking thing in any of the 36 entries I’ve made that has been even remotely easy for me. I’m playing on raw nerves here. I am so incredibly broken and hurt and because I’ve run from it all for so long, I have to deal with it all at the same fucking time.
I’m so very tired of being fucked up. I’m tried of being uncomfortable. I haven’t felt remotely comfortable in years. I’m tired of feeling lost and powerless. I just want to feel like I have a purpose and a place. I had one, once. I threw it away though. Finding a new one has been an impossible task.
I really do feel like I’m supposed to do something with art though. I pray for guidance and wisdom a lot. I know I fucked up the last time and I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to be a fuck up. I have been, but I want to change it.
I haven’t been 100% idle though. I bought a graphics tablet the other day that should be here Wednesday. This means I’ll be able to start making more art through digital means. I was supposed to start saving for a car, but I really felt like I needed to get this to advance my art. On top of making digital art, it will allow me to create stencils for my painting and other projects. I’ve also requested a shift to nights at my job so that I can paint when I get off work. As it is now, I find it very difficult to paint. If need be, I can paint before work but I do not feel creative then at all. And I can’t paint after work, I get off at 2 am and compressors are loud.
But, those are just two small steps. I need to be doing more, I just don’t know what else I could be doing right now. I just have to power through this. So what that my trip wasn’t what I wanted? It was still good. I know more about myself now than I did before I left. There’s no need for it to keep me down any longer.