Lost and Searching


Deflated: The Pitfall of Being Excited

I really should know better than to think something good might happen without me busting my ass. Why would that happen? If I want something I have to bust my ass for it. I always seem to forget that when it seems like something good might happen though. I want to hope for the best and it always gets me when reality sets in.

I thought I was going to be able to buy a car, get a new computer. I was so wrong. I did get a new phone, some new clothes, and a few comfort items, but I’m still without the major items that I want/need.

What I really thought I was getting was a reprieve from years of struggling just to make ends meet. I’ve had a job for about 2 years now and I’m still struggling just to get out of these holes. I know that’s not all that long, but it feels like forever. I just wanted one bright spot where I could say that things finally turned around.

It’s rough seeing people around me in their mid to late 20s that have their shit together, doing whatever they like. Dating; living on their own; getting married; having kids; buying cars, houses, toys, whatever. I’m living with my mother, struggling to pay my bills and doing it all on my own. I don’t get to live rent free with my parents like so man others do.  I haven’t had a car in 6 years. That has meant foregoing a lot of things because I can’t fucking get there.

I’ve been stuck here for a long time. It’s easy to overlook how much a car means until you have to rely on others to help get you around. I can’t go shopping unless my mom is home and lets me take her car. I can’t go out with my friends unless someone is willing to pick me up. I can’t go out and drive around just because I want to. I can’t just run up to this or that on a whim. I have to plan everything if I want to go out because I need to know how I will get there and how I will get home because I can’t just drive on a moment’s notice. It is very isolating, which is rough. Yes, I am a solitary creature by nature but it isn’t easy being forced into it because I can’t get anywhere. I can’t go to people and people choose not to call me when they do stuff because they know I can’t get there and they don’t want to pick me up (which is fine, it’s their choice and I’m not going to be upset with them for not wanting to pick me up, I wouldn’t want to either).

I’m doing a bit of boo-hooing, but, really, I’m still a bit further ahead than I was 3 months ago. It just sucks thinking I’ll be able to actually get somewhere and then have it taken from me. I’ll get there eventually by working my ass off, it just would’ve been nice to skip 2+ more years of struggle.

It just fucking sucks being poor.

A Week of Drawings, Day 7: Clarity/Chaos

Decided to play with patterns and effects today. Didn’t need the tablet for much, but this exercise of drawing one picture a day has been about exploring creativity more than anything else. I bought the tablet to urge that along, but the tablet is not always necessary. There are still things I will do better with the mouse and random effects/tools.


Now that I have come to the final day of this exercise, I’m going to shift focus on this blog, again. Thus far it has been everything I have needed. It has been my sanity and my catharsis. It has allowed me to start opening up about everything in my life and to explore myself further. However, I have done all of this at a furious pace. While I know that this blog is completely self-indulgent and that readership is tertiary or lower, I am aware that there are people that read this and such a hard pace can make that difficult. So, I want to adjust it and focus myself.

I want to try and start focusing more on the quality of the content now. I’ve got more than enough fodder here for people to read for quite some time while I work on figuring out the next step. Given that, I would like to try and start taking my time with posts and actually craft them rather than let them spew forth from me. I know I have strong writing abilities, I just need to try and focus them now. I have poured forth much of my soul in these first 55+ posts, but now I need to bring my intelligence and thought to it. It is time for me to start focusing all that has swirled around inside of me as I wrote the previous posts and form it all into discussions of these things rather than ramblings diatribes to myself. As I have stated before, there is much that I wish to do with blogging and the internet in general. This change is a move toward doing more of it.

I am trying to decide if I want to go with a cadence of weekly or every 2-3 days. Figuring this out may mean a short lull in posting, but I will try to avoid that. I may shoot to have a big topic once weekly with art, music, or other things on a secondary schedule. I believe that I will also set up a Facebook page for my art so that I can post it there when it is finished and then highlight certain pieces here.

I also need to decide if this change necessitates a new blog dedicated to this scheduled and more polished style. I think it would look cleaner, but I am unsure of whether I want to do that or not. If I did, it would mean setting it up as a more professional blog while leaving this one for my personal stuff that I have been doing.


And, with that semi-coherent mess, I will post this and sleep. I will see you all on the other side of it all.

Changes: Not Fucking Easy

This new schedule is fucking with me. Granted, this is only my second day on it, but it is confusing my body. It has me in a hyper-emotional state. I’m really not sure what to do with myself. I went to bed at 1 pm and initially woke up at 6 pm with my body telling me it was time to get up because I was wasting the day away. I tried to go back to sleep, and eventually did, but it wasn’t very restful.

“Oh, it’s so hard doing it alone! I wish I didn’t have to.” That’s what is running through my head and it is extremely annoying. I can do this. I don’t actually need anyone to help me with this. I’m not going to fail and curl up because I have to do it all alone. I always get it done when I need to. That said, it would be easier if I weren’t alone. If I had direct support from someone that cared. But I don’t, so I do as I have always done and dig deep and do.

This will be for the best. I needed this change to enact things in my life. On my old schedule, I just couldn’t paint. I need to paint, but because I worked 5 pm to 2 am, I had no time to do so. before work I just wasn’t feeling creative and after work is too late to be running a compressor. So, I decided to go to nights, working from 12 – 9 am. I think it will work out well, even if the schedule adjustment is fucking with me.

This first week will be a wash. I have no plans for it other than to work and to get my body used to this new schedule. It will not be easy, but it will get done. I am already very nearly on the sleep pattern I want, I just need to let my body acclimate to it so that it stops trying to wake me up after just a couple hours of sleep.

After that first week, the plan is to start incorporating elements of a new lifestyle into it. The first element will be walking again. I haven’t done it at all in probably 2 months. Between my trip, my emotional and spiritual state, and everything else that has been happening lately, it was just too much for me, so I put it off. Now that I am getting it all straightened out again, it is time to start walking again. I am going to try and sync that with a renewed sense of eating healthy. I’ve kind of been doing that, but not as well as I could or should. It isn’t that I do not like to eat healthy, it is just easier and more convenient not to. That’s a shit excuse though, so I’m going to stop using it.

The painting is the next big step to add in. I don’t know when that will be added though. Art in general will just happen sporadically throughout, much as it always has in my life. I’m going to try and learn to make it happen though. I can’t entirely be an airbrush artist if my art just happens on a whim. My most personal art will always happen on a whim and a thought, but I need to learn to be able to create other things at will.

That’s about all I really have set out for myself in getting this all handled. I know I can do it, it will just take time. The current plan may turn out to be ambitious, but I will try to make it work as best I can. I need to get a handle on my life.

Revisions and Upgrades

Please bear with me. Over the next couple days I am going to try and redesign the entire blog. I’ve got a background created already, I’m just having issues getting it to work. I need to find a theme that will allow me to work with it better. My current theme is too pic heavy and means a lot of messy coding and fiddling to get it right. I’ll go more into it once I wake up tomorrow. It’s my day off, I’ve got 2 days to fuck with it and make it right before I start my new schedule.

I plan to brighten things up a bit, but I need to work with it and make sure it is easy to deal with. I don’t want to hurt eyes. haha



In the meantime, enjoy the new Mumford & Sons album (requires Spotify, which is a badass music program if you don’t already have it).