You are the one
Who never left
You are the one
Who never was
Of my mind
The only love
I’ve never known
This is every night in my bed. Unless I pass out drunk or exhausted, I end up staying up for anywhere from 20-100+ minutes just lying there, waiting for sleep and trying not to think. Most nights there is at least one time in this pre-sleep limbo that I will unconsciously reach over and feel where someone would be if I were not alone in the bed.
I’ll be 27 in 3 months and in my life I have spent all but 5 nights alone in my bed. 4 of those happened just a few months ago. I’ve never slept better than I did those 4 nights, but now I feel the absence even more strongly. The time before that I was 20 and my roommates interrupted because they didn’t want the night to end yet.
That is a lot of nights alone. Almost 10,000 of them (less if you discount the times I slept with my parents or friends as a child). That means roughly 99.95% of all nights I have been alive have been spent alone. It’s a devastating thing to see out this way, really. I have desired companionship and intimacy for over half of my years, but I’ve never known it. I’ve wanted to be held, but I’ve never had it. I’ve wanted to hold, but the times I have number less than a handful. I do not enjoy being alone, yet it is all I have ever known.
As it ties in with sleep and came after drawing this picture, I’m going to add a second story to this post rather than create a new one.
Last night when I went to sleep, I ended up having an amazing and unexpected dream. In it, my best friend and I were out and about and decided to go into a porn shop (not sure why, but it seemed like a good idea). When we went in, my friend went to a vending machine to buy a gourmet dessert (dream logic, eh?). While he was doing this, I decided to sit on one of the couches that they had in the foyer of this place. As I sat down, a very cute woman came up to me and started talking with me. She had the most amazing Russian accent and we were having a fantastic time talking. I eventually move closer and kiss her chastely on the cheek.
At this point, everything changes and we are suddenly at her family’s house having a huge Russian feast to celebrate something. We’re going around and she is introducing me to all of her family and we are having a wonderful time. I remember being nervous while I was there, as though it was the first time I was meeting her family. Overall, it seemed like a grand and joyous occasion and I remember a sense of loving all around.
That sort of dream is relatively unique for me. I never get the girl in my dreams and happy dreams such as this aren’t too common either. I rarely have nightmares, but most dreams I have a very abstract or suspenseful. Because of this, it was a nice change of pace and a great way to start the new year.
I’m still adrift. I think I can see something on the horizon, but I don’t know if it is an island, a ship, mainland, or a figment of my imagination borne of desperation. I’m leaning towards it being real. I should be desperate, I’ve been here for years, but I don’t feel desperate. I’ve just never actually tried to get anywhere before, so I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’m making it all up as I go along. I don’t really have any tools for all of this. This is all virgin territory for me.
For the majority of the day, I have been getting wisps of thoughts that come up. They’re mostly unclear, just the idea of a concept, but when they surface I find that I am struggling to hold back tears.
Comfort. That’s what I’m looking for. I don’t actually now what it is. To be honest, I almost looked it up in the dictionary before I started writing this bit. That is how foreign the word is to me. I have nothing I can look back on and think ‘Yeah, that’s what comfort feels like’. I’m sure there are things, but they were long enough ago that I can’t remember them. I think comfort is happiness, but more than that. It is prolonged happiness coupled with contentedness and so much more.
Really though, that’s just a guess. I can’t actually tell you what it is. I’ve sought it everywhere, but have never found it. The bottom of the bottle didn’t have it. Nor did the peak of an acid trip. That last bite of amazing food didn’t give it to me either. There’s only one avenue left that I am aware of that I haven’t ever really had the chance to try, but there’s a good possibility that will be as hollow as food, drugs, or drink. If I don’t find it in the arms of another, I’m out of ideas and don’t know what to do from there. If I have to find it within myself, I think I’m fucked. I’ve never found a whole lot in there. It’s mostly just survival stuff. I don’t know how to thrive and prosper, just eek by.
I’m not really certain though. Most days I would say I’m neutral. Not bad, but not good. There are still more bad days than good, but there are more neutral days than the others combined.
Today, however, has been more towards the bad side. I’ve been off since I woke up from a very vivid dream in which I died. I remember feeling the top of my head and my hand ripped off by shrapnel from a crashing plane (there was much, much more but I’ll not go into it). I remember being conscious afterwards in the dream, and as I faded I woke up, startled. My hand and forehead were numb from an awkward sleeping position. Ever since then, I’ve been struggling with this day. I was cooking breakfast this afternoon and as I was walking back to my room to eat I got the most overwhelming need to cry and I have no idea why. The whole day I have felt down with no real explanation of why.
I’ve been trying to use music to drown it all out. It isn’t really working, but at least the music is good. I’ve spent the day listening to the new Mumford & Sons album, Babel, on repeat. It is soothing, in a way, but it’s not what I need. It is only doing so much. I’m still struggling to find what it is I need.
I did stumble upon something though. I was running around the ‘net, searching for stuff that makes me laugh. I came back to youtube to see what my favorite channels had posted since last I’d been there and I came across a video by the ever amazing Hannah Hart. In it, she talks about stuff I have been dealing with for a while now. She talks about fearing to put effort into things and fail at them. Putting effort in can be very difficult, and the thought of caring enough to do it only to fail can be paralyzing. I don’t try for much anymore because of it… because I have failed at things before. You can’t get what you want if you don’t try though, and I have rarely ever gotten what I want. All I ever seem to get is what is willing to be given to me.
I just don’t know how to take that first step and just do it. It all looms so large in front of me. The possibility of greatness is there, but there is also the chance that it will all fall apart. I’m coming to a tipping point though, I think. Some day soon, I’m going to have to decide that the thought of living as I am now forever is worse than what I fear might, maybe, possibly, probably not happen. I know better, I really do, it’s just difficult. I know that once I do it I’ll look back and wonder why I waited so long, but that first step is the hardest. Everything hangs on the first step. If you don’t take it, you can’t fail. You also cannot succeed though.
I had one of the more interesting experiences of my life last night while I slept. I had a dream that was so funny I actually woke myself up laughing. I’ve never before experienced something like that. I’ve thrashed hard enough to wake myself up, I’ve been shocked into waking up, and I’ve snored loud enough to wake up, but I’ve never had a dream where I was so happy and laughing in it that it translated to me actually waking myself up with laughter. And not just a titter or a giggle, but full on, near-hysterical, belly laugh. it was a wholly unique experience and I was actually a bit euphoric when it happened, even calling it ‘magical’ in a Facebook post that ended up getting lost in the ether.
The question it leaves me with is, ‘Is this the sort of thing that happens when you are happy?’. I believe that dreams do tell us things. Dreams are our mind’s way of decompressing and dealing with the problems of the day and over the course of our life. They are shaped by what we have done and though they may be fantastical and strange sometimes, that is just because we do not always understand how the mind worked through something, or maybe we don’t have the whole picture. Dreams can be powerful things, so I have to wonder if such a happy dream as this (for the laughter and the scene that produced it were not the only happy portion) is a sign that my mind is overcoming things and starting to look at happier aspects.
I figure, if I’m going to talk about the dream and I still remember the dream, I should at least describe it. I tried to do this this morning when i woke up and remembered it better, but for some reason the post to Facebook failed and I lost all that I had typed. Anyways, here goes:
I was walking with someone and we were walking past a porch. On the porch were two close friends (knowing that they were close friends leads me to believe that I knew them). They were both carrying on a conversation and laughing some. One happened to be eating an ice cream cone. As they were talking, they both locked eyes in an overly dramatic and comedic way. After locking eyes, the guy with the ice cream cone started slowly lowering it as though something huge was happening. Whole he was lowering it, the other guy started leaning closer, appearing like he was going to go in for a kiss. He kept leaning, and the ice cream kept lowering, until they were quite close. several inches from what would have been the big moment, they both broke and started laughing at each other, as though it had been some great play for whoever happened to be watching.
However, this wasn’t the truly hysterical part. That was, oddly, only mildly funny. Maybe I had been in on it though or known it was coming, I’m not sure. Then again, I don’t really care if I see two guys make out. It’s about as interesting to me as watching any random couple make out. Anyways, back to the dream.
After the build up and once they had finally stopped laughing some, someone I couldn’t hear must have called out to them from inside wherever the porch was. The leaner turned around to respond to whoever had called out. As he did so, he knocked the ice cream cone out of the hand of the other guy. It just so happens that the other guy had happened to be going in for another lick of the cone, eyes half closed, tongue out, and lips poised to take a soft bite out of the ice cream. Because of their proximity and the ice cream eaters current facial expression, when the leaner knocked the cone out of his hands, his reaction time was too slow to stop his ice cream eating action. This resulted in him licking/kissing the back of the leaner’s neck in what can only be described as the most awkward sensual experience I have ever seen. As soon as it happened, they both shockingly realized what had happened and snapped to and faced each other with the most incredible look of mortification ever, as though even in joking about kissing each other passionately they had never even considered actually doing it and didn’t even want it to happen. As the ice cream hit the floor, they’re eyes flitted around some, trying to determine if anyone had seen them. Of course, I had and I was braying laughter. Laughing so hard, in fact, that it translated into an actual physical laugh that pulled me gently from my sleep.
In the light of the day it may not be so funny, but as I dreamt it I had never seen anything funnier in my life. As said before, I have also never experienced laughing myself awake either, though i take it as a good sign that maybe, just maybe, things really are changing for me.
There was more to the dream as well. I don’t remember much f it, but I do remember there was a love interest. She was just as strange and unique as I was. While it wasn’t a first, it was also one of the few times that the woman in my dream that I was interested in was also interested in me. that actually very rarely happens in my dreams. I’ve actually probably had more dreams where the female interest in my dream outright hated me. Maybe this too is a sign that my mind is changing, finally accepting that there are those out there that would show genuine interest in me.
Another unique part of the dream was that it was a happy dream. Those are very few and far between for me. Generally, the happiest my dreams get is when the tend towards the erotic, but I wouldn’t exactly call those happy dreams. Though there is happiness, they are in a different realm than a truly happy dream. Most often, my dreams tend toward the very surreal, vivid, and dark. Like dreaming of being chased by something, fighting, or even murder on occasion (never committed by me, but it’s there). I don’t remember many happy dreams that I have had. I remember a few times waking up peaceful and assuming I had had a good dream, but I had no proof of it.
In all, this was a wholly unique and wondrous experience for me. It started my day out on a fantastic note that I haven’t had in a long time.