Lost and Searching

Posts tagged “Her

The One Who Never Left

The One Who Never Left

You are the one
Who never left
You are the one
Who never was

The apparition
Of my mind
The only love
I’ve never known

The One Who Never Left inset 3 2The One Who Never Left inset 2 The One Who Never Left inset 1

Advertisements

Writing to You: Ghosts of What Never Was

Do you ever spare a thought,
For the one you forgot,
Your misbegot?

Do I cross your mind,
With a thought unkind,
Or am I left behind?

But I know I do not,
For in everything I sought,
I knew it was all for naught.

Because I can see,
That it’s not me,
And we will never be.

No matter what I do,
Nor how much good I sew,
It is not enough for you.

I want to stop writing to you, or you, or even you. It’s pathetic at this point. There’s nothing but pain and sadness in the words I can give to you, for that is all you’ve given me.

I want to write to Her. I know there is something happy to write about there. Even if she turns out to be you, there will be a period of happy things to write. I expect to die alone, so I very much look forward to those brief times when you are Her, even though I die each time She becomes you.


Struggling With the Past

I wish that I could forget you. And you. And all the rest. The memories are painful. No matter how good it was to live them, they are forever tarnished by the fact that we will not be.

I know I should remember them for what they were and cherish them for the happiness I felt, but with the life I’ve had, I can’t. No matter how good it was, we never actually were. I was only your friend. None of you could love me the way I wanted to love you and knowing that degrades the happiness that I had.

Maybe one day I can look back and remember you all fondly, but not this day. On this day I am still alone and all I have is hauntings.

You were all my mistakes. If we had dated, I could forgive myself of them. But we didn’t and I cannot. I cared in spite of myself. I always knew I shouldn’t, but that hurt little boy that imagined a new family when his life fell apart wouldn’t let me leave you be. He had to cling to you and try to force his dream upon you at my expense.

I’m sorry that I ever cared. None of you wanted of me what I wanted to give. However, I will always care. I’ve hurt myself for it, but if I don’t care I can’t find someone that will care for me as well. It hurts so fucking much, but it won’t always be this way. There will be at least one that cares. I hope. I cant think about that possibility anymore…

In a Pharse digital

 

This was the 6th of 12 or so drawings that I did one night while listening to Good Apollo I’m Burning Star IV Vol. I. I was in a transcended state at the time and have been looking for meaning in these drawings since I finished them. I realize that this is just shoved into this post here, but it will come around and make sense, I just didn’t have a good way to fit it in to start. (As a quick note, I did go over the couple digitally. My scanner sucks and either blew out the colors or didn’t pick them all up.)

When I first saw this image, I thought I was seeing the embrace of lovers. It was beautiful, seeing them lying there together. As I continued to look on it over the weeks following its creation, my understanding of it began to change. As my personal situations changed, my understanding of it became deeper. Yes, this is lovers intertwined, but it is a fleeting moment. He can never say the second part of that lyric, the follow up to “In a phrase to cut these lips…”. The I love you will not come. He knows it is fleeting and that though he loves her in this moment, and she may care for him, it will not last. She is ephemeral, fleeting. He loves her, but she will not stay with him. So he bites his tongue and enjoys what he has while he has it. He’ll hurt soon enough, so he holds tight to the joy that he has, knowing it will sour when it all ends.

He is me and the drawings tell a story. They tell the story of my struggle with love, of all things I want, what little I have had, and, possibly, what I may one day find. It started with Anna and putting her to bed and it ended in blood. I will post it all one day, or I may add pieces of it here and there to posts as it fits in with them.


A Week of Drawings, Day 6: Good Night

 

On of the more detailed in the series so far. I had initially planned to make this an animated gif where she faded away, but after I finished it I couldn’t bring myself to remove her.

 

This one is… yeah. One of those ideals I don’t expect. These images so far have been snapshots of all that I want and have talked about, mostly. It feels good to get the image I see in my head onto paper, er, whatever this is. I’ve got one more left, though I don’t know if I’ll have time. I’m leaving to go spend some time with my sister for her birthday, then sleep, and then I should be going out tonight for the first time in a few weeks. Hopefully I’ll get something up for day 7. If not, I’ll finish it Sunday.


A Week of Drawings, Day 2 Bonus: Peace

 

Found some more time to draw. I find that as I draw these characters more, I am refining them and they are becoming more detailed. Not much to say about the image, really. The color in the background was influenced by my music choice today. I was listening to Hide and Seek by the Birthday Massacre, whose album colors always have violet and purples in them.