You are the one
Who never left
You are the one
Who never was
Of my mind
The only love
I’ve never known
When I wake up in the morning,
I lie in bed for an hour,
Our maybe just a half
I close my eyes
And let my mind wander
And I dream
Or maybe even you.
And in this time,
I am not alone
As long as my eyes are closed
I am not alone.
It hurts when I must
My eyes open
And reality seeps in
No longer can I hide
No longer am I loved
For you are not here
And my life,
Just as my bed,
But for me
I would give
What little I have
For my dreams
To come real
If even for just an hour
I’m still adrift. I think I can see something on the horizon, but I don’t know if it is an island, a ship, mainland, or a figment of my imagination borne of desperation. I’m leaning towards it being real. I should be desperate, I’ve been here for years, but I don’t feel desperate. I’ve just never actually tried to get anywhere before, so I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’m making it all up as I go along. I don’t really have any tools for all of this. This is all virgin territory for me.
For the majority of the day, I have been getting wisps of thoughts that come up. They’re mostly unclear, just the idea of a concept, but when they surface I find that I am struggling to hold back tears.
Comfort. That’s what I’m looking for. I don’t actually now what it is. To be honest, I almost looked it up in the dictionary before I started writing this bit. That is how foreign the word is to me. I have nothing I can look back on and think ‘Yeah, that’s what comfort feels like’. I’m sure there are things, but they were long enough ago that I can’t remember them. I think comfort is happiness, but more than that. It is prolonged happiness coupled with contentedness and so much more.
Really though, that’s just a guess. I can’t actually tell you what it is. I’ve sought it everywhere, but have never found it. The bottom of the bottle didn’t have it. Nor did the peak of an acid trip. That last bite of amazing food didn’t give it to me either. There’s only one avenue left that I am aware of that I haven’t ever really had the chance to try, but there’s a good possibility that will be as hollow as food, drugs, or drink. If I don’t find it in the arms of another, I’m out of ideas and don’t know what to do from there. If I have to find it within myself, I think I’m fucked. I’ve never found a whole lot in there. It’s mostly just survival stuff. I don’t know how to thrive and prosper, just eek by.
I’m not really certain though. Most days I would say I’m neutral. Not bad, but not good. There are still more bad days than good, but there are more neutral days than the others combined.
Today, however, has been more towards the bad side. I’ve been off since I woke up from a very vivid dream in which I died. I remember feeling the top of my head and my hand ripped off by shrapnel from a crashing plane (there was much, much more but I’ll not go into it). I remember being conscious afterwards in the dream, and as I faded I woke up, startled. My hand and forehead were numb from an awkward sleeping position. Ever since then, I’ve been struggling with this day. I was cooking breakfast this afternoon and as I was walking back to my room to eat I got the most overwhelming need to cry and I have no idea why. The whole day I have felt down with no real explanation of why.
I’ve been trying to use music to drown it all out. It isn’t really working, but at least the music is good. I’ve spent the day listening to the new Mumford & Sons album, Babel, on repeat. It is soothing, in a way, but it’s not what I need. It is only doing so much. I’m still struggling to find what it is I need.
I did stumble upon something though. I was running around the ‘net, searching for stuff that makes me laugh. I came back to youtube to see what my favorite channels had posted since last I’d been there and I came across a video by the ever amazing Hannah Hart. In it, she talks about stuff I have been dealing with for a while now. She talks about fearing to put effort into things and fail at them. Putting effort in can be very difficult, and the thought of caring enough to do it only to fail can be paralyzing. I don’t try for much anymore because of it… because I have failed at things before. You can’t get what you want if you don’t try though, and I have rarely ever gotten what I want. All I ever seem to get is what is willing to be given to me.
I just don’t know how to take that first step and just do it. It all looms so large in front of me. The possibility of greatness is there, but there is also the chance that it will all fall apart. I’m coming to a tipping point though, I think. Some day soon, I’m going to have to decide that the thought of living as I am now forever is worse than what I fear might, maybe, possibly, probably not happen. I know better, I really do, it’s just difficult. I know that once I do it I’ll look back and wonder why I waited so long, but that first step is the hardest. Everything hangs on the first step. If you don’t take it, you can’t fail. You also cannot succeed though.
I’m getting tired of what it is I am writing. I feel like it is all I talk about. There is more to me, but if I get right down to the core, this is what comes out. I also feel odd talking about it. Love is a subject men are, traditionally, not supposed to care much about. Everything you see portrayed is men getting suckered into it. That is not true of course. I know I am not a lone male with these thoughts, but I often feel that way.
I think I need to start working on a more concrete plan for what I want out of my life. For many years I have been working on ideals alone. I’ve been thinking in the abstract with ‘love, a career, family, means to take care of myself’. If I want to see any of those things, I need to start defining a plan, figure out what it takes to get to all of those things and start doing things to work towards it.
I haven’t actually done that in a very long time. The last time I really had any guidance for my life was when I was still in High School. All I really knew then was that I had to work towards finishing school and then get into college or some sort of secondary schooling. Once I got there, you add that to everything else in my life and I was one very lost young adult. I have also never been the one to set the goals for myself. Finishing school and moving onto secondary school is a pretty standard goal set.
At one point in my life I thought I was meant to be a pastor, but with everything that happened, that just wasn’t going to happen, so I moved on to my secondary dream of working with cars. To that end, I went to UTI and got myself into massive amounts of debt and found that the industry doesn’t give a flying fuck about whether you went to school or not. The automotive industry can be harsh. They don’t want to apprentice anymore, from what I have seen. When I moved back to Oregon to lick my wounds, I applied at every shop I could find and never got a single call back. Granted, I was looking at the start of the recession, but all they wanted was old guys with 10+ years of experience. It didn’t help that dealership work was not for me. Custom work is where I wanted to be, but that is even harder to get into than a dealership. So, I was just lost and couldn’t find my way out.
However, now that I am on the upswing and getting my life sorted, I think it will go better this time. I do want to eventually get back into the automotive field, but I am not as set in that as I was at one point. I do currently have a job, but it is not a career. I would not at all mind doing what I am currently doing if there were opportunities to move up, but I have not seen that there are yet. With that in mind, my ultimate goal would be to make art of any kind and get paid to do so. The dream would be to be the head artist at a custom car shop, but as long as I am making art, able to support myself (and then some), and happy I am fine with any job. Right now, I enjoy my job, but I am barely surviving.
To that end, I need to figure out what I need to do to achieve that. I believe, to start, I need to keep doing more of what I have been doing. I need to continue painting and drawing and working on enhancing my skill. As I start to do that, I can start getting out some to find paid work that I can do to further my skill. Building a portfolio and getting better at painting are imperative to getting into the field somewhere. I think that between now and when I get into the automotive field again, I will start an Etsy page (or something, I am unsure yet) and start doing some commission work on shoes, shirts, and anything else people want. As I do more paid work, that will allow me to start upgrading all of my gear for painting, eventually making it possible to do bigger and better things. Right now my set up is fairly basic, so I do need to keep in mind that it needs attention as well.
That is not the only career path I see for myself though. I have also been idly looking into distilling. It is something my best friend and I are interested in doing and may get started sometime in the next year. There are many possibilities in that if we can figure out a god recipe for our rum. Starting a boutique distillery is a possibility, if we can find backers and have a good product. In addition to that, I would love to stay at my current job as I do love it, but as yet, there is no path of upward mobility. If I am to stay with this job, I need to at least know I can move up eventually. I really want to stay with it though and even if there is no path, I would likely stay with it far longer than I should.
I guess now that I have a weak outline of a career path, I should start working on a path for my love life. The problem with that is, I have no idea. That is entirely a mystery to me. I do not know where to go to find someone.
That’s a lie. I think I have always known where I would find someone, I just avoid it because it means dealing with more stuff head on. The only real answer I have is church. That presents many problems though. While I believe in the Christian God and that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, I have a lot of trouble with church and religion. Many terrible things have been and are perpetuated in the name of the Christian God, among others. I do not believe in many of the same things that other Christians believe in, so I do not call myself a Christian. I believe in evolution, to a point. To deny evolution is folly. You can see it all around you. My one objection to evolution is that I do not believe we are descendant from apes. While we are similar, I do not see strong evidence for it yet. I also have objections to how people interpret the rules and guidelines that are set forth in the Bible. I believe that many of the Jewish laws were there as a way to perpetuate the Jewish people and make certain that they survive, but I do not know that it is necessarily still true today. I believe that above all else, Christ came to free us from those laws and that he taught us that we should love one another.
However, I will not go further into that for this blog. That is a very large can of worms that I will save for another blog, though it seems much closer today than it was before.
What I am trying to say with that is: as much as I understand that I should go to church and that that is where I am most likely to find someone to spend my life with, I am very much not ready to start going to church again. There are still things I need to reconcile in my life before I can start going back to church. The whole thing is difficult for me. I will get there eventually, but there is still much left for me to work on.
Before then, I still need to work on my own issues. One major thing I need to work on is my weight. It is a hindrance, and not just because fewer people like big people. How is anyone supposed to love me as I am if I do not love me as I am? I hate my body. I am trapped within it. It holds me back from many things. I do what I can to persevere in spite of it, but I can only ignore it for so long. I have to deal with this, now. I can’t put it off until tomorrow. I’m actually not all that afraid of dying because I am fat. I just know that it is another aspect of myself that I need to change if I am ever going to get myself right. I can do all the mental healing I want, but if I still look in the mirror and hate what I see, it won’t do me any good.
That means I need to start walking again, to start. I also need to start eating better. I do not mind healthy food, I just don’t care to cook for myself all that much. Doing anything when you weigh 550+ pounds is difficult. I actually very much hate saying that aloud. It’s a shameful number. I was always big, but that big? That’s disgusting. Not to mention all of the social stigma that comes along with being so big. I was working to lower it a few months ago, but then about a month and a half ago I got bogged down. I was going to say I didn’t know what happened, but I do. I was signing onto the comp and foregoing the walk in order to talk to someone. It was stupid. I tried not to, but I’m such a fool for having someone to talk with, always hoping that the talk will become more. That was why I stopped walking. The diet stopped because I got lazy. I need to dig deeper and suck it up. I have no one to blame for this other than myself and I have only myself to change it.
So, if I can’t go where I need to go to find someone and if I can’t get myself right to be with them, I shouldn’t bitch about wanting to meet someone. I can give excuses as to why I want to meet them, but they don’t really matter. In the end, I just need to accept that I am not ready for it and work to get myself ready for it. It will happen when it happens and not a second sooner. All my whining will not speed it up.
You know, this entire thing started as a way for me to talk about what it was I wanted in a relationship. I kind of still want to talk about that, but now it feels like it will be some awkward, forced post script. Fuck it. I’ve already come this far, I may as well keep going.
With the exception of the times in my life when I am talking to someone and it seems to be (or has) headed towards something romantic, I do not actually see anyone in my mind when I think of ‘Her’. I have no single type that I am most physically attracted to. I have features I enjoy, but none of them are deal breakers. I am far more interested in personality, but even then I have no strong preferences. I do not think I could have preferences yet. I’ve never had anyone so I do not entirely know what I want or need. All I really know is that I want someone that enjoys physical contact. Someone that can stimulate me intellectually. Someone that enjoys goofing off but can be serious as well (I really am just a big kid). I want someone I can talk with.
I don’t entirely know. That really was as forced as I thought it would be. I can’t really know anything until I am out there more. One thing I realized this weekend while I was out at the bars with friends is that I do not care for that scene at all. I hate it, actually. I only go because my friends want to go. I feel no compulsion to go up to any of those women (with the exception of the woman that looked like Number 6…). I have no ‘game’, nor do I really want to develop ‘game’. That is not who I am. I am very honest and straightforward. I don’t give two shits about going to the bar and trying to find a woman that will go home with me and sleep with me. I don’t really want sex, I want companionship. I did want that before I lost my virginity, but I didn’t know how very different sex and companionship were. Before then, they were closely intertwined in my mind. Now that I know better and which of the two that I want, I know the bar scene isn’t for me. I’ll go out and I’ll enjoy hanging out with my friends, but that’s it. I won’t turn anything away, but I won’t actively seek it either.
So, with all of this in mind I start to really look towards my future. It still confuses me, but at least I can see things out there now. For a long time it was all darkness. I wasn’t even sure I would make it out there. I don’t know how long it will all take, but I’ll make it there someday.