I know that I’ve been very sporadic in posting here lately, and I apologize. I’ve had a lot going on in my personal and professional life. As open as I am on here, I do still occasionally need some time to step away and deal with shit in my head before I can put it to words and deal with it here. I’m sorry that I have been quiet. I know not many people read this, but I do feel a sense of connection to those that do.
One of the bigger things is that I did find work, and quite quickly. My last day was on a Friday and by Tuesday I had found a job. That was awesome, but… it was just part time. Working only 16 hours a week has been fucking with my head. To make matters worse, it was on Fridays and Saturdays, making it more difficult to go out with friends. The good news is, my boss is awesome and is working to get me more hours. I hope to be up to full time by mid-February. Again, it will be over the weekends thus making hanging out and socializing difficult, but work is work and I have to be able to pay bills before I can afford to go out with friends.
I’ve also had to deal with the fallout of ending a friendship. I talked about it before (here), but this past month and a half since it happened hasn’t been easy. I’ve had some good friends to talk it out with though while I get my mind straight. It was, unfortunately, for the best though. It isn’t easy to stop talking with someone you have talked to for hours a day nearly every day for 6 months, but sometimes it is the only way it can go. There are times that I still want to talk with her, but it is healthier not to. I cared for her, but I was just a friend and I cannot put myself through that any longer. I am learning to end things sooner rather than later, now. No longer will I burn for months or years, hoping her feelings will change. They don’t. Not ever, but that is another blog post entirely (which I am working on, in a broader manner).
It hasn’t all been struggle though. I ended up getting a Christmas bonus from my old job which I spent almost entirely on items for my artistic endeavors. The biggest of these was a camera, so that I could take better pictures of my stuff. The camera on my phone wasn’t cutting it any longer. I also ended up buying myself some more paint and about $100 worth of DIY vinyl toys from Kidrobot. I have spent a lot of my time making art lately. I’ve done some digital work, I’ve already finished 3 of the vinyl toys that I bought (which I will eventually post and put up for sale), and I’ve been working on paper again. It has been good, getting back into art so much. I want so badly to find a way to make a career out of creating art. I’m not entirely certain how to do this, but I figure I’ll keep making art until i figure it out.
For the most part, this time away has been me trying to find my center. I have been writing some, but I haven’t made many full-fledged posts that I want to share yet. I have some concepts and ideas started that I will flesh out more when things are a bit more stable for me, but I am not quite there yet. While I realize that this blog has always been about me posting rather haphazardly and chaotically through the storm that is my emotional life, I find that I am wanting to do more than just that now. This will be my 78th post here in about 6 months. That’s a pretty furious pace considering what I have been writing about and how long each post is. I have talked about it before, but I want to try and post more substantial and thought out things now. I’ve gone over the chaos of my first 25 years, now I want to focus on ordering it all and actually discussing things I am passionate about. That’s not to say I won’t go nuts from time to time and just stream my emotions onto the page – I am far too emotional for that – but it does mean that I will take more care with what I post.
To that end, I have been working on a couple new things for my online presence. Previously, I had created a Facebook page dedicated to selling and showcasing art that I wish to/have already sell/sold, but I have also now created a page dedicated to my art, called, simply, forgotn. I have been posting my art there lately and will be adding more of my past works to it as well while I continue to chronicle my artistic endeavors. Alongside that, I have also created a second blog that will be dedicated to my art. At this time though, it exists only in name as I have yet to add content to it. This will be coming soon though, and I will promote it here when I add it. There’s also an etsy page in the works and a website that I have been designing in my head for a while now, though the website is still quite a ways off.
I feel, as ever, that there is something that wants out. Unfortunately, I am busy with work and nothing will form. Oftentimes, the distraction of work lets my mind wander and tackle different things. Tonight however, it is very busy and my mind is forced to be active.
I know, let’s talk about music. I’ve been discovering a lot of new music lately. It tends to be on the happy side as well, which something that I rarely listened to.
Or not. Nothing wants to happen. If nothing wants to happen, I really shouldn’t force it. None of the others took coercion. That won’t get me anywhere.
In truth, the above has sat here for about 4 hours now and I don’t actually have a desire to write tonight. Truthfully, I think that might be a good thing. I think my soul was at peace today. I had my moments, but in all, it was a decent day. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. And not bad it an improvement. There may be more tomorrow, there might not be. It is all at the whim of my soul.
I guess that means I think of a witty title and sign off for the night.
I used to do this before, this whole blogging thing. I did it so others could get to know me, so I could share my soul with them. I stopped when it got too dark, when they stopped reading, when it was just for me. I stopped so I could internalize it all and condemn myself to the fate that I thought was mine, that I would be alone forever. I wallowed in it for years. The last blog was written in 2009, shortly before I closed myself off. I made it to 101 blogs before I stopped. It had been my life line, and I cut it. I couldn’t take it anymore. Everyone was gone, no one cared anymore, so why should I write if it is just for me?
So I stopped and turned it all on myself. And it was a huge mistake, but one I could not avoid. Things got very dark from there. I’d given up on everything. I couldn’t care, not anymore. I knew I would die fat and alone and I thought it’d be at my own hand. I stopped caring for myself, retreating further into my mind relying more upon the persona I had crafted on the internet, taking refuge in games to avoid all that was boiling inside of me. I eventually turned from my friends as well. I couldn’t face myself, so how could I face them?
I wallowed in it all for nearly a year. I couldn’t escape, I couldn’t even make a step forward, I just kept falling. I don’t know where I found bottom, or if I even did. I just know things kept piling on and I kept retreating. I wanted to escape, but I couldn’t find a way. No matter what I did, it just got worse, so I stopped doing anything.
Eventually, I started to find a path out. After 3 years of unemployment, I found work I could love. Through that work, I started getting my personal life together. I started to care a bit. it wasn’t much, but it was a start. It was something to work for. It was during that work that I started buying the stuff I needed to start painting again, I started going out, and I started attempting to live again. It was slow, but it was progress. I reconnected with friends, and they helped me to get out. I’m sure they were frustrated with me as I was still hesitant, but I would not have been able to get anywhere without their patience.
That went on for some time. I healed and I tried to grow, but it never amounted to too much, but it did get me to a point where I was ready for a change. And then that change found me. I didn’t notice it at first. It seemed like just another acquaintance to talk music with. As it went on, the talk changed. I was able to talk things through and express the things I had held within for so long. No longer was I the only one aware of everything inside of me. I was able to realize pains both new and old, to put a new perspective on the abasement my soul had received for so long.
As I talked it all out, I realized that I was ready to be done with it. I had been in my way for all these years, and I was ready to step aside. Things have become brighter since that day. I have begun painting, to the point of selling something already. I’ve begun to talk with others about all of this. I’ve even finally decided to change my diet and lifestyle. No longer will I hinder myself.
And now, we come to today. I have been writing on Facebook for a month or two now, but that is not the appropriate outlet. It is too narrow. It is still too close to my chest. With that in mind, I finally made the step to start a blog. I do not know what this will be or where it will go, but I relish the thought of exploring it. I have always had this in me, I just forsook it out of fear. So, I will write, and I will express that which is imprinted in my soul. I cannot tell you where this will go but I can tell you it will be real and it may not always make sense. There is insanity mixed into my soul’s life force, and it helps to define me. As I did in the past, I do this again so that others may know me, so I can share my soul with you.
Jeremiah, who was once called ‘Your Favorite Little Fuck Up’