I know that I’ve been very sporadic in posting here lately, and I apologize. I’ve had a lot going on in my personal and professional life. As open as I am on here, I do still occasionally need some time to step away and deal with shit in my head before I can put it to words and deal with it here. I’m sorry that I have been quiet. I know not many people read this, but I do feel a sense of connection to those that do.
One of the bigger things is that I did find work, and quite quickly. My last day was on a Friday and by Tuesday I had found a job. That was awesome, but… it was just part time. Working only 16 hours a week has been fucking with my head. To make matters worse, it was on Fridays and Saturdays, making it more difficult to go out with friends. The good news is, my boss is awesome and is working to get me more hours. I hope to be up to full time by mid-February. Again, it will be over the weekends thus making hanging out and socializing difficult, but work is work and I have to be able to pay bills before I can afford to go out with friends.
I’ve also had to deal with the fallout of ending a friendship. I talked about it before (here), but this past month and a half since it happened hasn’t been easy. I’ve had some good friends to talk it out with though while I get my mind straight. It was, unfortunately, for the best though. It isn’t easy to stop talking with someone you have talked to for hours a day nearly every day for 6 months, but sometimes it is the only way it can go. There are times that I still want to talk with her, but it is healthier not to. I cared for her, but I was just a friend and I cannot put myself through that any longer. I am learning to end things sooner rather than later, now. No longer will I burn for months or years, hoping her feelings will change. They don’t. Not ever, but that is another blog post entirely (which I am working on, in a broader manner).
It hasn’t all been struggle though. I ended up getting a Christmas bonus from my old job which I spent almost entirely on items for my artistic endeavors. The biggest of these was a camera, so that I could take better pictures of my stuff. The camera on my phone wasn’t cutting it any longer. I also ended up buying myself some more paint and about $100 worth of DIY vinyl toys from Kidrobot. I have spent a lot of my time making art lately. I’ve done some digital work, I’ve already finished 3 of the vinyl toys that I bought (which I will eventually post and put up for sale), and I’ve been working on paper again. It has been good, getting back into art so much. I want so badly to find a way to make a career out of creating art. I’m not entirely certain how to do this, but I figure I’ll keep making art until i figure it out.
For the most part, this time away has been me trying to find my center. I have been writing some, but I haven’t made many full-fledged posts that I want to share yet. I have some concepts and ideas started that I will flesh out more when things are a bit more stable for me, but I am not quite there yet. While I realize that this blog has always been about me posting rather haphazardly and chaotically through the storm that is my emotional life, I find that I am wanting to do more than just that now. This will be my 78th post here in about 6 months. That’s a pretty furious pace considering what I have been writing about and how long each post is. I have talked about it before, but I want to try and post more substantial and thought out things now. I’ve gone over the chaos of my first 25 years, now I want to focus on ordering it all and actually discussing things I am passionate about. That’s not to say I won’t go nuts from time to time and just stream my emotions onto the page – I am far too emotional for that – but it does mean that I will take more care with what I post.
To that end, I have been working on a couple new things for my online presence. Previously, I had created a Facebook page dedicated to selling and showcasing art that I wish to/have already sell/sold, but I have also now created a page dedicated to my art, called, simply, forgotn. I have been posting my art there lately and will be adding more of my past works to it as well while I continue to chronicle my artistic endeavors. Alongside that, I have also created a second blog that will be dedicated to my art. At this time though, it exists only in name as I have yet to add content to it. This will be coming soon though, and I will promote it here when I add it. There’s also an etsy page in the works and a website that I have been designing in my head for a while now, though the website is still quite a ways off.
As a preface, I am nervous writing this blog. I know the other party will read it. However, I have to write it, no matter what. I’ve talked with her about it as I have talked with my closest friends about it, but now I need to put it on here. This is where I am most free. It’s not even that I can’t say this stuff in person, it’s that I have time to think writing it that I do not really get talking. I have better phrasing and expression here, though there will be a certain level of mania in this particular entry.
So, I came home from my trip a couple days early. It was unfortunate, but in order to save myself and the friendship, it had to happen. if I stayed, there was a strong possibility I would force myself into becoming very hurt, which would have destroyed the friendship. I didn’t know why I had to leave at the time. All I really knew is that something was wrong and I had to go. I gave opportunity to say the words that would keep me there, though I didn’t know what they were. In the end, there were no words that could be spoken that would have kept me, but I didn’t know that until later.
I will likely talk about what happened over the weekend more at a later date, but for now, I have to start at the end.
I left less than an hour after we finally slept together, though that was not the reason I left. We had already discussed my leaving the night prior and that morning and she was aware I would be going, but it happened anyways. I had finally lost my virginity. It was fun, but after 26 years, the build up of time had made it impossible to live up to. I learned much from the experience, but I am getting ahead (behind?) of myself.
It took me 400 miles and 7 hours to even start to understand what had happened over the weekend and why I had to leave. In truth, I’m still processing it all. I know the why and the how, but there is still much to analyze. I realized that I had spent the entire weekend denying a part of who I was in order to finally be able to lose my virginity. I learned that one of my base desires is intimacy. I need to touch the person. I need to be able to hold them and kiss them and have them next to me. Really, it should not have been something I was surprised to find. I have always written about wanting those things, but I was not aware that it was so deep that I could not turn it off. Because I was trying to deny it to conform to what she wanted, it was causing a lot of internal strife. It was becoming physically painful to sit near her knowing I couldn’t touch her. It was also detrimental to how I viewed her. It wasn’t really fair to either of us and would end up hurting everything. leaving was the only viable choice. If I had stayed, it may have been okay, but I risked a great deal of pain for myself and destroying a very good friendship that I had and need.
I have to pause. I’m not writing now. This has become an outpouring of my internal dialogue surrounding the issue. I’m still working on it all. I have come to a certain kind peace with it. Part of it does still hurt, but it is not the soul wounding it has been in the past. I did learn much from the trip (more than detailed in the last entry), but… there is still some pain. It was a good trip, and I am happy for it, but now it means I am still looking. Which is a slightly foolish statement. I knew she wasn’t who I was looking for, but that deeper part of me couldn’t accept it until I got there and saw.
On the trip, I had to reconcile who she was with who she had become in my mind, which is never an easy thing. It’s something that shouldn’t happen, but I have spent my entire life within my head. I have lived innumerable lives within my mind. I play everything out, though it never goes as I see. When I had no one, I still had my mind, so I turned there to get through the insufferable loneliness. I’m still learning how to get out of my head so much and just do stuff. It’s not easy when it’s all you’ve really known. I’ve pretty much always been that way. I don’t remember having imaginary friends, but I definitely spent more time inventing stories with toys than playing with other kids.
I know now more than ever that I need to find someone that can share with me the things I need. The subject of codependency came up this weekend. It’s a definite possibility, but I don’t know that it is entirely true. Yes, I do feel like I need someone in my life, but I think it is more than a codependent need. I have always felt that I was not made to be single. I’ve always felt that I need someone in my life. I don’t need her to take care of me and push me, because I can do those things, but I want someone that will. I don’t know, really. I do know I need someone. In spite of the disconnect, I did feel better near someone.
In truth, I have no idea right now. I want to write, and I want to be coherent, but those things can’t mix right now. I’ve gotten lost and diverted so many times tonight that I have no clue if this will make any sort of sense. I’ll post it anyways, because coherent or not, it has been good. In an odd twist, I think I talked this all through in person better than I did writing it, though I did not attempt to go into such depth in person.
This doesn’t feel like the place to stop. So much more wants out. There are things I have yet to cover and things I didn’t intend to cover. I… I do not know. It is all very confusing. I am at a sort of peace with what happened and am glad that it happened, but there are still things I need to suss out. I’m sure they will make up other blogs, there are always other blogs.
Because of the trip, I do feel ready to move onto other things. I am going to try and move back to California. I have no idea when it will be or if that is where I will actually go, but I will leave Oregon. It is too small for me. For now, the thought that I will go is enough. I’ll figure out the rest later.