I know that I could love you
With the passion of a thousand poets
But I keep it all to myself
I would paint you a thousand pictures
Perfect and beautiful
To capture every part of you
I would write you a thousand love songs
Romantic and pure
To let you know you are loved
But all of my words turn to dust
Catching in my throat
And keeping the words from you
So I hold it all in,
Knowing that the joy of your presence
Is better than the pain of your denial
But my love is unrequited
Misplaced and hurting
Poisoning everything between us
Because you cannot do the same
I will always love you more
Than you will ever like me
One thing I have realized lately is that while I do not bond easily with people, the bonds I do develop are very deep. I don’t get into friendships (or more) easily, but when I do I go all the way in. So when I develop a crush, it is very strong. Thus, if it has to end, it is very painful. I have to dig out a very deep and sensitive tendril that burrowed deep into my heart and there is nothing but pain in it. After a while, the majority of it is out and I’m just left trying to excise the little bits that shot off from the main tendril and dug in deeper than the rest. Sometimes they’ll wriggle and painfully let me know they’re still there. Other times, I’ll come across one and see its atrophy and remove it painlessly.
But, no matter how hard I try, each and every one of them left at least a single barb in there that I can’t get at. It’s in the deepest parts of my heart. The section I can’t cut into without destroying intrinsic parts of myself. So, they’ll always be there; occasionally reminding me of each of your faces, your smiles, and your names. Because no matter how much I hurt afterwards, I did love you for a time and I cannot forget that.
This is every night in my bed. Unless I pass out drunk or exhausted, I end up staying up for anywhere from 20-100+ minutes just lying there, waiting for sleep and trying not to think. Most nights there is at least one time in this pre-sleep limbo that I will unconsciously reach over and feel where someone would be if I were not alone in the bed.
I’ll be 27 in 3 months and in my life I have spent all but 5 nights alone in my bed. 4 of those happened just a few months ago. I’ve never slept better than I did those 4 nights, but now I feel the absence even more strongly. The time before that I was 20 and my roommates interrupted because they didn’t want the night to end yet.
That is a lot of nights alone. Almost 10,000 of them (less if you discount the times I slept with my parents or friends as a child). That means roughly 99.95% of all nights I have been alive have been spent alone. It’s a devastating thing to see out this way, really. I have desired companionship and intimacy for over half of my years, but I’ve never known it. I’ve wanted to be held, but I’ve never had it. I’ve wanted to hold, but the times I have number less than a handful. I do not enjoy being alone, yet it is all I have ever known.
As it ties in with sleep and came after drawing this picture, I’m going to add a second story to this post rather than create a new one.
Last night when I went to sleep, I ended up having an amazing and unexpected dream. In it, my best friend and I were out and about and decided to go into a porn shop (not sure why, but it seemed like a good idea). When we went in, my friend went to a vending machine to buy a gourmet dessert (dream logic, eh?). While he was doing this, I decided to sit on one of the couches that they had in the foyer of this place. As I sat down, a very cute woman came up to me and started talking with me. She had the most amazing Russian accent and we were having a fantastic time talking. I eventually move closer and kiss her chastely on the cheek.
At this point, everything changes and we are suddenly at her family’s house having a huge Russian feast to celebrate something. We’re going around and she is introducing me to all of her family and we are having a wonderful time. I remember being nervous while I was there, as though it was the first time I was meeting her family. Overall, it seemed like a grand and joyous occasion and I remember a sense of loving all around.
That sort of dream is relatively unique for me. I never get the girl in my dreams and happy dreams such as this aren’t too common either. I rarely have nightmares, but most dreams I have a very abstract or suspenseful. Because of this, it was a nice change of pace and a great way to start the new year.
I wish you would be cruel to me. Harass me, belittle me, use me, hurt me. The most painful gift you have ever given me is your kindness. I want to hate you, but I can’t.
The above has sat here for a while, written to every woman I had pined for. I should write more about it, but I can’t. My writing has mostly left me lately. It’s not that I am uninspired, it is that I can’t seem to make anything coherent. I have bits and pieces, but no cohesion. It is all just spattered across the page, waiting for clarity. I’ve even had trouble drawing lately. Work has been stressful. The new position is much more than I expected.
I’ve been thinking about love a lot, though that is nothing new. What is new is how I have been thinking about it. Rather than just pining painfully for it, I have been trying to figure out what it is I want and what it is I think love is. I have come to some conclusions but I have raised more answers than anything else. I know now that one of thing biggest things I want is to be held. I don’t think a woman has ever held me. It seems awkward, considering my size, but it is not so unreasonable.
I don’t know. As my words fail me, my art grows. This past week I have been working on a new piece. It is a continuation of the series I have done previously, but it is also a huge growth. I worked on learning an entirely new style based on the Japanese ink drawings of waves. It is my take on it and I enjoyed doing it. I don’t have much to say, really. I think the piece speaks for itself. As for the rest of the stuff I have talked about here, there’s a real blog post about it to come at some point, but I have no idea when.
Decided to play with patterns and effects today. Didn’t need the tablet for much, but this exercise of drawing one picture a day has been about exploring creativity more than anything else. I bought the tablet to urge that along, but the tablet is not always necessary. There are still things I will do better with the mouse and random effects/tools.
Now that I have come to the final day of this exercise, I’m going to shift focus on this blog, again. Thus far it has been everything I have needed. It has been my sanity and my catharsis. It has allowed me to start opening up about everything in my life and to explore myself further. However, I have done all of this at a furious pace. While I know that this blog is completely self-indulgent and that readership is tertiary or lower, I am aware that there are people that read this and such a hard pace can make that difficult. So, I want to adjust it and focus myself.
I want to try and start focusing more on the quality of the content now. I’ve got more than enough fodder here for people to read for quite some time while I work on figuring out the next step. Given that, I would like to try and start taking my time with posts and actually craft them rather than let them spew forth from me. I know I have strong writing abilities, I just need to try and focus them now. I have poured forth much of my soul in these first 55+ posts, but now I need to bring my intelligence and thought to it. It is time for me to start focusing all that has swirled around inside of me as I wrote the previous posts and form it all into discussions of these things rather than ramblings diatribes to myself. As I have stated before, there is much that I wish to do with blogging and the internet in general. This change is a move toward doing more of it.
I am trying to decide if I want to go with a cadence of weekly or every 2-3 days. Figuring this out may mean a short lull in posting, but I will try to avoid that. I may shoot to have a big topic once weekly with art, music, or other things on a secondary schedule. I believe that I will also set up a Facebook page for my art so that I can post it there when it is finished and then highlight certain pieces here.
I also need to decide if this change necessitates a new blog dedicated to this scheduled and more polished style. I think it would look cleaner, but I am unsure of whether I want to do that or not. If I did, it would mean setting it up as a more professional blog while leaving this one for my personal stuff that I have been doing.
And, with that semi-coherent mess, I will post this and sleep. I will see you all on the other side of it all.
On of the more detailed in the series so far. I had initially planned to make this an animated gif where she faded away, but after I finished it I couldn’t bring myself to remove her.
This one is… yeah. One of those ideals I don’t expect. These images so far have been snapshots of all that I want and have talked about, mostly. It feels good to get the image I see in my head onto paper, er, whatever this is. I’ve got one more left, though I don’t know if I’ll have time. I’m leaving to go spend some time with my sister for her birthday, then sleep, and then I should be going out tonight for the first time in a few weeks. Hopefully I’ll get something up for day 7. If not, I’ll finish it Sunday.
Not much to say on this one, really. I had a good talk with my best friend yesterday so I thought I would draw something involving friendship in some way.
I have something big planned for either tomorrow or the next day. I am off for two days, so I plan to spend more time drawing. Who knows, I may even take my lappy and tablet with my Friday night and draw drunk. I don’t think I’ve ever drawn drunk. On acid, yes, but never drunk. I still need to post those pics…
Something new, kinda. The tentacles show up from time to time. Not sure why. The rest of it is just playing around and learning. I would like to get to the point where I can do stuff in a finer manner. I’ll get there soon enough.
Found some more time to draw. I find that as I draw these characters more, I am refining them and they are becoming more detailed. Not much to say about the image, really. The color in the background was influenced by my music choice today. I was listening to Hide and Seek by the Birthday Massacre, whose album colors always have violet and purples in them.
Drawing #2. Happened fairly quickly; it was drawn during my lunch break today. I may go ahead and draw a second picture later, not sure. I’ll probably try a different style if I do. Or, I may work on uploading the pictures I have drawn previously. I’ll find out when the time comes. For now, it’s time to finish my shift at work.
Sometimes you try to put pen to paper (or tablet, in this case) and nothing really wants to happen. Other times it flows like Niagra. I don’t know which this will be today. I haven’t started yet, but I have felt conflicted on what I wish to do. However, my unspoken goal has been to make one drawing per day. I haven’t been perfect, but I have tried. I am going to see if I can do that for this entire week, from 10/14 to 10/21. I’ll post them all here be they good or be they shit. It is what it is and nothing more.
For today the music of choice is Babel by Mumford & Sons. Maybe not. Got a few songs in and for some reason, the audio quality is choppy. It keeps going in and out. So, Florence + The Machine it is.
I need to stop doing this right before I pass out so I can actually write something coherent here.
Honestly, this one did make me feel as greatly as the last few have. I am happy with it though. Originally, I had thought of using ‘Surrogate lover’ as the opening text. I think it would still work, but I think the imagery for that phrasing was too strong and not quite what I was going for.
Probably one of my more detailed drawings as of late. I’ve been trying to leave the drawings unpolished on purpose, but this one wanted finer detail. It is also not often that what I see in my head translates so well when it hits the page.
I have more images of this style that I want to post. They were drawn during an event I won’t spell out, but I will say that it was transformative and has affected my current self. When I finally get them scanned and posted, I want to then do a digital form of many of them.
I am so ready to be done with all of this emotional bullshit. I am trying to put it out of my mind and to focus on other things, but it just isn’t happening. It is so plainly obvious in all of my artwork that I do. All I see in my last two drawings is loneliness and pain. I mean, I’m drawing fucking hearts and hand holding. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that. The void of it taints everything in my life. I can’t figure out how to change it. I’m not a very social person. I know nothing will change in my room, but I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Enough is enough though. I’m not ready for it. I know I’m not. I want it so badly, but it’s not time for that yet. And you know what, it’s good that it comes out in my art. My art should say something about me. To that end, I spent my lunch break at work and a bit of time before work creating a new piece.
I don’t typically talk about what a drawing means. I like to allow the viewer to assign their own meaning to it. However, I feel like I should on this one. This is a very personal image. More so than the others. At the center, is me. He is surrounded by people. I made them slightly opaque to signify that though they are there, he can’t see them.
I’m actually not entirely certain right now. I’m at least half asleep.Yes, it’s 2 in the afternoon but I wake up around 10 pm each night for work. I just know that I don’t draw myself often, though it seems to want out a lot more lately. Maybe rather than writing what I am feeling, I can translate it into drawing about what I am feeling. I did that today. I’m surrounded by people that care about me, but I can’t always see it. I still feel very much alone. I’m not though. As I have been writing these blogs for the past 2 months, family and friends have been coming out to tell me they have read it, they are here for me, and that they admire what I am doing here. When I did this, I never expected anyone to read it, but to hear that the people in my life read it and care about it all means the world to me.
This is actually part of an unintended series. I did several other images in this style a while back but I have yet to post them anywhere. I plan to eventually though. I’m kind of enjoying this style of drawing though. It’s about time I actually developed a style entirely my own.
Decided to play with my tablet some more. I wanted to see what it was like writing with it and using a scrawled style like I use in some of my pencil or marker art. I like that I was able to add a textured background to it instead of just a solid background like it would have had had I drawn in in pen.
So, I made art today.
I had initially planned to have a blackout from the comp today, but I was unexpectedly awaken by a doorbell. That doorbell proved to have been pressed by the Fed Ex dude and he had my new work laptop. That laptop happens to have an i7 processor, 6gb of ram, and Photoshop CS5.1. Needless to say, my inner nerd refused to let me not play with it. It’s all shiny and new and shit. I had to touch it inappropriately and get to know it. I’ve had a lot of fun doing this, too. Some of the buttons even look like the 60’s Batmobile. It’s kind of awesome.
That fun led to me playing with Photoshop, which I have not done in a while because my personal comp is a piece of shit and won’t let me use Photoshop how I would like to. It tends to be glitchy and spastic. That said, Photoshop on the work lappy is fantastical (really, spell check doesn’t ding fantastical? It’s a made up word, right?). I ended up porting over all my custom brushes from my personal PC and playing with them. Took about 20 minutes to figure out why they weren’t loading, but once they were, I got to play. I even played with some of the default brushes and learned some awesome new tricks, like the scatter setting on brushes. That shit blew my mind, and inspired me.
That takes us to the image I created. After playing with random brushes and the new-found settings I could fuck with, I decided to make a brush of my own. I went back to an old staple of mine for this. As girly as it sounds, I have always been fascinated with drawing unique or odd heart shapes. This particular brush drew on that fascination. I ended up drawing a very squared off and angular heart that I then filled with a bit of blocky line work. Filling things with rows of perpendicular and parallel straight lines has also been a fascination of mine, so it was a fun pairing. Once I had it where I was comfortable with it, I made it a brush.
Next came the fun part. After I had finished the brush, I created a large new blank doc and painted the background black, which happens to be my favorite canvas color. Once I had that, I started fucking around. I scaled down the heart brush, set the scatter and color variation and went to town. Ended up covering much of the page in very hot pink versions of the heart. In fact, I covered it so much that it ceased to be hearts and became an odd sort of texture. Once I saw where this was going, I ended up doing it a bit more with a very bright orange and then an extremely bright lime green. The color was splashed across the image in what should have been a garish disarray, but I found it oddly beautiful. I have always loved my abstract work most of all and love to put the brightest of colors into my work (even my space scenes are made with fluorescent colors).
I added my signature and thought that was it, but I was wrong. I actually saved a copy of that version and have it set as my wallpaper on the new lappy. But, as often happens, the inspiration was not over. As I looked at the image, I saw that there were elements missing. I grabbed the blur tool and ran it around the edges and softened up the harshness of the angular heart brush. I also played with the smudge tool, adding random bits of it here and there, combining two bursts of green over the pink and black chaos below. Thinking, again, that I was done, i sat back and looked at it. However, as before, it was not done. There was one final bit that it needed. To complete the entire piece, I pulled out an old brush I made by scanning a page from a book. That book happens to be The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and the quote is one of my most favorite quotes ever. I ended up cutting the page down to just the quote, stylized it some, and then decided that the piece was finished and ready to be posted around the internets.
In truth, the piece is garish and hard to look at, but I find beauty in that. I love making things that aren’t always easy to look at, but will leave you wanting to come back. So, now, I present you with the piece. For no real reason than the random, I titled it ‘Insani-tea’.