I torture myself with every word
Those said and those unspoken
Looking for the meaning behind them
Laying myself open to their truth
I bathe myself in it
Seeking those things that hurt
Just so that I can feel
Just to avoid the emptiness
Numb for years and years
Looking for solace in anything
I cut myself upon the words
Seeking respite in the pain
I hold it close to my heart
Seething and burning
Worn like a cursed saint
My maleficent protector
When there is nothing but pain
The violence escalates
Feeding on itself
And breeding its filth
Corroding and consuming
Eradicating and extirpating
Destroying everything it touches
Until I am empty again
Where once I found perverted solace
There is abject nothingness
And the cycle ends
Waiting to begin again
I would give it all to you
If I thought you could handle it
If I thought you could survive
But you are not my salvation
I never asked for any of this
I just wanted to be normal
Instead I found comfort in pain
And gave it everything I was
I do not seek your ruin
The way you seek mine
I’ll destroy myself soon enough
With your help or without
Do I go on
Or does it end here
Where do I find the will
To choose one or the other
This was the 4th drawing I made one night and the first in what would be an ongoing series dedicated to my own life. When I drew it, I had just switched from Holywood to Good Apollo I’m Burning Star IV: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness. Until now, I hadn’t ever given much thought to how perfect that album title was for the situation. In truth, it was chosen because it is a favorite album of mine and it soothes me. I draw much inspiration from it, having heard it hundreds, if not thousands, of times since I found it. It is one of the most important albums in my life, and it seemed only fitting that I would listen to it this night.
The original plan for the drawing session had been to listen to all 3 of Marilyn Manson’s albums about his fallen god in order, but after I finished Holywood, I started to think about the woman I was kinda-sorta involved with at the time and how that relationship actually existed. Being in the state I was in, actually seeing that I was not special to her in the ways I needed to be special was threatening to collapse my psyche and throw me into a downward spiral. So, I hastily changed albums and settled on something that I knew would bring me back from the brink and put me back into a safer place. It was my safey-safe. And there began my journey in art and self-exploration.
The upper right – ‘I almost lost you’ – came about from nearly spiraling when the album changed from Holywood to Mechanical Animals. When it was averted, I simply wrote the line on the page. At the time, it felt like a note to her, but looking back, I think it was just as much a note to myself. I nearly lost my mind delving into a situation I really wasn’t prepared to deal with that night (it took me nearly 8 months from that date to finally confront it and I’m still dealing with it today).
The words are ‘*MROW*, ‘My Dear’, and ‘Whore in Sheeps Clothing’, which come from “Keeping the Blade”, “Always & Never”, and “Welcome Home”, respectively. At the time, they were written to my first. They were evocative of our childishness (the *mrow*’), my unrequited love (‘my dear’ crossed out), and my eventually pain and lashing out (‘whore in sheep’s clothing’). They are floating in the scribbles, buried in them and written upon them. They were always on my mind, as the scribbles represent. But they were also shrouded in chaos.
These words were just the ones that came through as I was drawing, but the entirety of the lyrics of the three songs represented here capture the emotion conveyed within. They speak of the pain of loving and having nothing returned. Of wanting and not being needed. In “Always & Never” the Writer says ‘I’m still waiting here, my dear/For one kiss from you’. While this, to me, speaks of loving and wanting, there is also a literal interpretation in my own life: I had just one kiss with my first love, a very chaste peck on the lips, and I have been waiting for the next one for the past ten years. Not from her, but from anyone. With ‘a whore in sheep’s clothing’, I am not wanting to call her a whore. More accurately, it is about her being something other than what I saw and my inability to cope or be with what she truly was. I loved what I thought I saw, but the reality was far different from what I wanted and needed.
While I had my first in mind when I drew this, it turns out that it was quite apropos to the situation I was dealing with at the time. So much of that played out as an accelerated replaying of my first kinda-sorta relationship. It’s eerie. Even the names were similar. I cared deeply for both of them and they both came about during very chaotic times in my life. Looking back, it seems that the last one was there to close out the first. Through it, I found closure. I was finally able to put her to rest and move on from her. And while I am still working on moving past the latest, I was not crippled the way I was with the first. This time, I am hurt but I am not giving up and running from it all. I have chosen to stick around and deal with it, even if I can no longer do it directly with her.
This series, taken from a single night of drawing, was drawn with my future in mind. When I did it, I thought it dealt with who I was talking to at the time. I wasn’t wrong, exactly, I just wasn’t right about what it meant. She was there, but not as I saw her. She was a ghost reborn and she exited far sooner than thought. I think that going over all of this and finally posting it all and talking about it will be my way to say goodbye. As I lay it bare to the world and analyze it in the written word, I am seeing it in a new light. I am finding things within it that I hid from myself before. It was far deeper than I ever expected.
I showed all of this to her, but it didn’t go as planned. I had hoped to share it with her, but I ended up just showing it to her. I think that was part of why I decided to leave. It was then that I realized that things were not as I had seen; that I had blinded myself to her because I was in need of closeness, which she could not really give. I had imposed things upon her subconsciously that she could never have lived up to. For that, I am sorry. For the rest, I am hurt.
Decided to play with patterns and effects today. Didn’t need the tablet for much, but this exercise of drawing one picture a day has been about exploring creativity more than anything else. I bought the tablet to urge that along, but the tablet is not always necessary. There are still things I will do better with the mouse and random effects/tools.
Now that I have come to the final day of this exercise, I’m going to shift focus on this blog, again. Thus far it has been everything I have needed. It has been my sanity and my catharsis. It has allowed me to start opening up about everything in my life and to explore myself further. However, I have done all of this at a furious pace. While I know that this blog is completely self-indulgent and that readership is tertiary or lower, I am aware that there are people that read this and such a hard pace can make that difficult. So, I want to adjust it and focus myself.
I want to try and start focusing more on the quality of the content now. I’ve got more than enough fodder here for people to read for quite some time while I work on figuring out the next step. Given that, I would like to try and start taking my time with posts and actually craft them rather than let them spew forth from me. I know I have strong writing abilities, I just need to try and focus them now. I have poured forth much of my soul in these first 55+ posts, but now I need to bring my intelligence and thought to it. It is time for me to start focusing all that has swirled around inside of me as I wrote the previous posts and form it all into discussions of these things rather than ramblings diatribes to myself. As I have stated before, there is much that I wish to do with blogging and the internet in general. This change is a move toward doing more of it.
I am trying to decide if I want to go with a cadence of weekly or every 2-3 days. Figuring this out may mean a short lull in posting, but I will try to avoid that. I may shoot to have a big topic once weekly with art, music, or other things on a secondary schedule. I believe that I will also set up a Facebook page for my art so that I can post it there when it is finished and then highlight certain pieces here.
I also need to decide if this change necessitates a new blog dedicated to this scheduled and more polished style. I think it would look cleaner, but I am unsure of whether I want to do that or not. If I did, it would mean setting it up as a more professional blog while leaving this one for my personal stuff that I have been doing.
And, with that semi-coherent mess, I will post this and sleep. I will see you all on the other side of it all.
I think that after this post I may go dark until this Sunday. I’ve had a furious pace since I got back from my trip. I’ve written a lot here and covered a lot of ground. Now, I still feel the need to write but there is nothing specific that wants to be discussed. I can’t force this. If I force it, I run the risk of burning out on it and writing just to write, which will do me no good. I have to remember that this is here to help me heal, not for those that read it. I do hope that those that read this get something out of it though, but I cannot worry about that yet. In the future I will write for readers, but for now, I write for myself and my health.
I feel like with all that I’ve written about and processed since I came back, I need to go out and let myself go for a bit. just get away from it all and have a night free from it. I’m kind of burned out. I haven’t had a day off since last Thursday. I’ve worked 8 hours a day every day since then and my work hasn’t been easy this week. I’m getting slammed with menial busy work on top of the normal work that I do each day. I’ve also written 10 or so blogs in that same time frame. I’m just really fucking tired in spite of sleeping well for 8-ish hours each night.
My mind has been working over time for about a week and a half now and it needs a break. Unfortunately, I can’t just turn it off. I typically need some help with that. To that end, I’m gonna go out Saturday, watch the Duck game, watch Jon “Bones” Jones beat the shit out of Vitor Belfort, and drink. Should really help me relax and recover.
All I can think now is ‘My mind is fried’ and not in the good way like when you drop acid. I feel like it is full, but at the same time, I feel like there is nothing in there. It’s all airy chaos. All of this time in overdrive has it burning out. it needs to rest if I am to continue on.
I’ve been listening to more music these past 4 days than I have in a while. I think I’m trying to dig deep into it and find inspiration. I feel like it should be inspiring me to do more than I am, but I think what it is actually doing is giving me the motivation to finish what I need to do to make it through until I have days off. I’m trying to find a visceral experience in it that will drive me to create and move me. I haven’t turned this far into music in a very long time. it is nice to know it is still there if I need it.
I don’t remember the last time I was this weary. Because of that, I know this entry is scattered and fractured. It’s difficult to be clear when you have trouble just focusing on work and trying to get through it to go to sleep.
So, with that. I’m going to post this and sign out for a bit. I’ll be back though. I don’t think I could actually turn my back on this even if I wanted to.