Lost and Searching

Posts tagged “Wanting

Borne of Chaos: Finding the Truth Among the Pain

I’ve been mulling over two thoughts today. The first is, where does one find these fabled ‘woman that think intelligence is sexy’? I’ve met all of two in my life, both of them this year. Neither was right for me. Granted, the first one almost took my virginity and the second one did, but still, I’m not actually looking for sex. What I want is a relationship and I know no woman is ever going to look at me and think ‘My god, I need that guy’. I just don’t engender that upon first look. However, I have always known that if the right woman sits down and talks with me, she very well may think ‘My god, I need that guy’. It’s the nature of who I am. I’m not ugly, just big. But being big limits the number of woman that will find me attractive. My intelligence does increase that number some, but it is still limited. I have the personality and intelligence that women want, but not the looks. Though I am working on becoming a smaller version of me, I will never be skinny or ripped. Who I am is a big guy, and that is how I plan to stay. I just don’t want to be this fucking big.


In the end, I know that my intelligence will play a big factor in finding someone, the question I have trouble with is how does that happen? For someone that ironically craves order and sees patterns in everything, it is very difficult to accept that meeting someone will be purely random and by chance. There are ways to skew that random, but it is still random. While I do love random and the non-sequitur, random in aspects of my life like love or day-today things bothers me. I can’t help it. I need some form of structure. I think that may b my biggest issue with wanting someone. I can’t really accept that it boils down to chaos.


This brings me to my next thought of the day. I’ve been talking about wanting and needing someone in my life for a long time, but why? Do I actually need someone in my life? Will it solve all of my problems and make me whole? The hard answer is, No. No, it will not. I do not actually need someone in my life. I’ve made it to 26 without anyone, I clearly know how to live alone. I don’t live as well as I could/should, but I can do it. I don’t need anyone to take care of me (though I did when I checked out of reality). My problems will not go away just because I meet someone either. They are not a cure-all and it would be horribly cruel to treat them as such. I am the only one that can fix myself.


In truth, I do not need someone, I just very much want it. That begs the question though, why do I want it? I can’t really answer that. Part of it is seeing how happy others are in relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever really been all that happy in my life. There are spurts of it, but it has been a very average to below average sort of life. Part of it also that the happiest times I remember are when I had someone I was talking with, though those talks rarely ever led to anything more than talking.


I’ve also put myself through hell by wondering if I would ever meet someone. It has been a central thought of mine since I was 13 or so and all of my friends started dating. The longer I went without having met anyone, the more difficult it became for me. I felt left behind. I felt… broken. Which is asinine. I was not lesser for having gone without. A relationship does not define who you are. You are the only one that can define you. But I have always missed that point. Even those friends that did not have steady partners were still out there hooking up and having sex. That never happened for me either. I was always on the sidelines looking in, waiting to get put in the game. I wasn’t though. While it did take me 26 years, I found quality over quantity. I also found that I am just not made for random hookups. I need something else there if I am going to have sex.


All of this leaves me with much to think about. I don’t think I could swear off the looking and wondering, but I think I can put it to the back burner and stop focusing on it. If it truly is borne of chaos, watching it and fretting over it will do nothing for me. Which means letting go of it for now will help me find peace with who I am and make me more ready for it when it finally comes.

Love, and What I Want it to Be

This started in another entry, but I realized it deserved its own entry. Love is something I have always wanted. It touches everything in my life. It is what I crave and want. It means many things to me. It is simple and easy. It is also complicated and difficult at times. In truth, I have no direct knowledge of love outside of unrequited love. I’ve never had a woman love me, as far as I know. Love is something they talk about in books, songs, and movies. Those are what I know of love, sad as that may seem.

Let’s talk about the things I see and want. I see someone I can talk with. I see goofing off and being childish. I see hand holding and shy looks. I see her lying next to me, head on my chest with our arms around each other. I want to know what it’s like to have someone look at you and smile because they can’t help it. I want someone that enjoys the things I have done for years that have made me feel foolish. I want to do stupid little things that make us laugh. I want stolen kisses and foolish giggles. I feel foolish saying all of this. It seems too much to want. It also feels odd to say it out loud, like I’m not supposed to say it or even want it. I’ve never really expressed what I want from a woman out loud. I’ve internalized it much as I have everything else in my life. Why should I have voiced it? I’ve never found anyone that wanted to give me even the smallest parts of it. It’s really only the things I think of that hurt me the most as I so often expect to never get any of them. These are also the things I think of when I think of love and I’ve only experienced, maybe two of the things here.

I’ve never really had a woman in my life. I’ve never been on a date. The last woman I kissed sober was a decade ago and even the drunken ones were few and far between and number under 5. I’ve only had one girlfriend and, honestly? I can argue that down to being entirely one sided and possibly nullified. While I have spent several months at a time talking with a woman, I have spent less than a week in the presence of all of those women, combined. I can’t help but look on all of this and feel pathetic. I have experienced almost nothing.

But, now comes a question I’ve never had before… should all of that matter? Does that lack of experience really mean that much? It is only me that worries about it and hurts for it. Until I tell someone, they will not know any of this. And how do I get experience but by going out and doing? Am I once again just fretting over things needlessly? Wouldn’t surprise me, I’ve done it my whole life. I think I need to learn to let go of what has and has not happened in the past and just focus on what I have in my present and set up a few things for the future.

My mom brought up a good point the other day in relating the changes I am making to AA/NA. I’m rediscovering myself right now and shedding the things that have held me back and down for far too long. In a sense, it is kind of like kicking an addiction. I am having to relearn how to do things and how to live again. The point she made is, they ask you to wait a year before you get into a relationship because you are having to relearn all of this stuff. Maybe I should just put it out of my mind for now and focus on the other things I do have and work on those. That’s not to say I would deny something if it came about, but I have so much else I have to deal with, fretting over relationships is an added stress. Granted, it is one of the biggest things I have to deal with, but I’m not entirely ready for all of that. I’m still finding myself. I need to focus on getting myself right and growing those things that I do have.

With that said, I will try and heed it, but I also know that I will still always wonder about love and relationships until it finally happens for me. When it is something you’ve wanted since you were a teen and have always been denied it, you can’t help but wonder. It is just always there on some level and I can’t really turn it off. I just want the waiting to be done, but I know I still have much waiting ahead of me.

Of Hopes and Dreams and Things Unknown

What do I want out of this life? That’s a question I fear to answer. I’ve run from it for a while now. What I want has rarely been of any consequence to the actions that play out in my life. Things just sort of happen to me and around me, regardless of what I want. That’s not to say good things don’t happen, they do. They just rarely happen at times when I can capitalize on them.

“Right place, wrong time” is something that has always played out majorly in my life. My timing is shit, and it always has been. There that is again, Time. It’s the bane of my existence, but I’ve talked enough on that before. This post is about wanting, so…

What do I want out of this life? Everything. I realize that is no small thing to ask for, but we should all seek everything. Now, the follow up question to that most certainly has to be “What do you expect to get out of this life?” Nothing. If I expect, I get hurt. I’ve learned to expect nothing as those times I asked and expected I was greatly let down. I can’t afford to expect things anymore. I’ve been to the brink of destruction, I’d prefer not to go back.

If I want everything and expect nothing, what’s the point, what do I hope for? There was a time I hoped for marriage, children, a job to support it all comfortably. I suppose that somewhere, deep down, I still do hope for that, but as the years pass it seems ever more unlikely. But, mostly, those hopes were killed. Now, I’d settle for a hand in mine, a look that shows anything but contempt, or, if I’m feeling particularly bold, a hug. I realize how pathetic it sounds, that those are nothing, but when you reach 26 and can count in years between the times you have seen any of those things, they begin to grow and gain meaning. Truthfully, that’s not something I express often. I hide it because I know how stupid it sounds, but while others seek the next random sexual encounter, I just hope I’ll get to sit next to someone or have the slightest of physical contact.

That’s not to say I do not hope for random sexual encounter, but that’s the difference between wanting to drive and wanting to fly to the fucking moon. I am human, I do have compulsions and desires, but if I cut to the absolute heart of it all, it’s those simple things I really need. Those are the thoughts that drive me to seek and those are the things I hope for, that my skin burns for. When it got to it’s darkest and I’d been several years from the last contact, that was what my flesh remembered, the hand in mine, the arms around me and head pressed to my chest.

I suspect there is more in store for me than what I expect or even hope for, but I cannot see it yet. Thus far, more is just a myth people tell me to try and cheer me up. As much as I appreciate the words, I cannot believe in them, not yet. Not when the only thing I have seen is destruction and devastation. Not when the closest I ever came was at 16 and it haunted me until very recently.

So, for now, I try to live my life and put these things to deeper portions of the brain, try to keep the higher processes from taking it and consuming me. In the meantime, I hope for those things mentioned here and, most of all, hope that I am entirely wrong about what I expect, but I have to plan for my expectations and steel myself for the possibility I am right.

Rather than make a new post, I thought I would add to this one.

More than anything else, I want to stop living off the scraps of happiness I am given. I’ve learned to enjoy what little I find and enjoy them for what they are, but I want to find sustainable happiness. I’m tired of having to make do with what is. I want to know what it is to be happy all the time, not just the rare occasions I’ve found. Just once… even if it’s not forever, just once… I used to hope for an hour of it. I realize now that’s not enough, not really. That’s just more of what I’ve had. If I want a change, it’s got to be more than an hour. I don’t know how to seek more than that though. I don’t really know how to seek any of it, not really. I stumble into all that I find and don’t seem to notice it until it is gone. Hopefully the next time I can see it before it is gone.