Lost and Searching

Posts tagged “Transition

Self Exploration Through Creating

I am so ready to be done with all of this emotional bullshit. I am trying to put it out of my mind and to focus on other things, but it just isn’t happening. It is so plainly obvious in all of my artwork that I do. All I see in my last two drawings is loneliness and pain. I mean, I’m drawing fucking hearts and hand holding. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that. The void of it taints everything in my life. I can’t figure out how to change it. I’m not a very social person. I know nothing will change in my room, but I don’t know where to go or what to do.

Enough is enough though. I’m not ready for it. I know I’m not. I want it so badly, but it’s not time for that yet. ¬†And you know what, it’s good that it comes out in my art. My art should say something about me. To that end, I spent my lunch break at work and a bit of time before work creating a new piece.



I don’t typically talk about what a drawing means. I like to allow the viewer to assign their own meaning to it. However, I feel like I should on this one. This is a very personal image. More so than the others. At the center, is me. He is surrounded by people. I made them slightly opaque to signify that though they are there, he can’t see them.


I’m actually not entirely certain right now. I’m at least half asleep.Yes, it’s 2 in the afternoon but I wake up around 10 pm each night for work. I just know that I don’t draw myself often, though it seems to want out a lot more lately. Maybe rather than writing what I am feeling, I can translate it into drawing about what I am feeling. I did that today. I’m surrounded by people that care about me, but I can’t always see it. I still feel very much alone. I’m not though. As I have been writing these blogs for the past 2 months, family and friends have been coming out to tell me they have read it, they are here for me, and that they admire what I am doing here. When I did this, I never expected anyone to read it, but to hear that the people in my life read it and care about it all means the world to me.

A Change in Emphasis

I keep trying to write, but I never get very far. I feel like one of two things has happened. Either I have cleared an entire level of all major threads and am just grasping at cast off threads culled from the longer ones while I search for a path to the next level. Or, I’m searching through in the dark, grasping at the threads and unable to see more than a bit at a time, following it down and sussing it out only to forget where I was and where I am going.


I think it is the former. I don’t feel as heavily burdened, even if I still feel the weight of all I want.


I am on the verge of major changes. I’ve been talking and planning and very soon I will be doing, as best as I can. Until I get there though, I don’t have much to say.I want to say it all, but it just doesn’t want to come out yet. I think this was inevitable though. There had to be a lull in the entries at some point. I don’t want it to be, but I think it needs to be. I won’t be completely gone though. There are still a few things I want to write about that I know I can, but the more introspective stuff like I have been doing will slow for now.


I will also transition to posting art once I get to making it more. My wacom tablet comes later today, so I plan to do a lot of playing with that. I will also be switching shifts soon and should have more time to paint in the near future. I have a longboard, a canvas, and a few other things I need to paint. Once I make art more, I think I can then leverage it into a job of some sort on the side. That’s the hope anyways. Eventually, I want to make a living off of it but that’s not always easy. If it is what I am supposed to do though, it will happen. I am open and listening now and will follow whatever I feel I am led to do.


Well, I’ll not say goodbye or farewell or anything of that sort. I’m not really going, I am growing. See you on the other side.