I am so ready to be done with all of this emotional bullshit. I am trying to put it out of my mind and to focus on other things, but it just isn’t happening. It is so plainly obvious in all of my artwork that I do. All I see in my last two drawings is loneliness and pain. I mean, I’m drawing fucking hearts and hand holding. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that. The void of it taints everything in my life. I can’t figure out how to change it. I’m not a very social person. I know nothing will change in my room, but I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Enough is enough though. I’m not ready for it. I know I’m not. I want it so badly, but it’s not time for that yet. And you know what, it’s good that it comes out in my art. My art should say something about me. To that end, I spent my lunch break at work and a bit of time before work creating a new piece.
I don’t typically talk about what a drawing means. I like to allow the viewer to assign their own meaning to it. However, I feel like I should on this one. This is a very personal image. More so than the others. At the center, is me. He is surrounded by people. I made them slightly opaque to signify that though they are there, he can’t see them.
I’m actually not entirely certain right now. I’m at least half asleep.Yes, it’s 2 in the afternoon but I wake up around 10 pm each night for work. I just know that I don’t draw myself often, though it seems to want out a lot more lately. Maybe rather than writing what I am feeling, I can translate it into drawing about what I am feeling. I did that today. I’m surrounded by people that care about me, but I can’t always see it. I still feel very much alone. I’m not though. As I have been writing these blogs for the past 2 months, family and friends have been coming out to tell me they have read it, they are here for me, and that they admire what I am doing here. When I did this, I never expected anyone to read it, but to hear that the people in my life read it and care about it all means the world to me.
I keep trying to write, but I never get very far. I feel like one of two things has happened. Either I have cleared an entire level of all major threads and am just grasping at cast off threads culled from the longer ones while I search for a path to the next level. Or, I’m searching through in the dark, grasping at the threads and unable to see more than a bit at a time, following it down and sussing it out only to forget where I was and where I am going.
I think it is the former. I don’t feel as heavily burdened, even if I still feel the weight of all I want.
I am on the verge of major changes. I’ve been talking and planning and very soon I will be doing, as best as I can. Until I get there though, I don’t have much to say.I want to say it all, but it just doesn’t want to come out yet. I think this was inevitable though. There had to be a lull in the entries at some point. I don’t want it to be, but I think it needs to be. I won’t be completely gone though. There are still a few things I want to write about that I know I can, but the more introspective stuff like I have been doing will slow for now.
I will also transition to posting art once I get to making it more. My wacom tablet comes later today, so I plan to do a lot of playing with that. I will also be switching shifts soon and should have more time to paint in the near future. I have a longboard, a canvas, and a few other things I need to paint. Once I make art more, I think I can then leverage it into a job of some sort on the side. That’s the hope anyways. Eventually, I want to make a living off of it but that’s not always easy. If it is what I am supposed to do though, it will happen. I am open and listening now and will follow whatever I feel I am led to do.
Well, I’ll not say goodbye or farewell or anything of that sort. I’m not really going, I am growing. See you on the other side.