I keep trying to write, but I never get very far. I feel like one of two things has happened. Either I have cleared an entire level of all major threads and am just grasping at cast off threads culled from the longer ones while I search for a path to the next level. Or, I’m searching through in the dark, grasping at the threads and unable to see more than a bit at a time, following it down and sussing it out only to forget where I was and where I am going.
I think it is the former. I don’t feel as heavily burdened, even if I still feel the weight of all I want.
I am on the verge of major changes. I’ve been talking and planning and very soon I will be doing, as best as I can. Until I get there though, I don’t have much to say.I want to say it all, but it just doesn’t want to come out yet. I think this was inevitable though. There had to be a lull in the entries at some point. I don’t want it to be, but I think it needs to be. I won’t be completely gone though. There are still a few things I want to write about that I know I can, but the more introspective stuff like I have been doing will slow for now.
I will also transition to posting art once I get to making it more. My wacom tablet comes later today, so I plan to do a lot of playing with that. I will also be switching shifts soon and should have more time to paint in the near future. I have a longboard, a canvas, and a few other things I need to paint. Once I make art more, I think I can then leverage it into a job of some sort on the side. That’s the hope anyways. Eventually, I want to make a living off of it but that’s not always easy. If it is what I am supposed to do though, it will happen. I am open and listening now and will follow whatever I feel I am led to do.
Well, I’ll not say goodbye or farewell or anything of that sort. I’m not really going, I am growing. See you on the other side.
Sometimes, I just open this because I want it here. I don’t always know what I want to say when I open it, I just know that something feels like it needs out. Really, I’m just sitting here refreshing pages and working. As I do that, thoughts turn over in the back of my mind. I don’t usually notice them, but sometimes they press a little more insistently and I get the urge to write. Sometimes, that urge comes before the thought makes itself known. What I type now is preamble. It is well worded nothingness; falling with style, if you will. My fingers are moving to let my mind ponder, wander, find a thread. I think the thread was found a while ago, but the story written upon it is still being sussed out. There are many threads to be followed and some of them look very much alike.
I use that term a lot, ‘threads’. One set of people in Norse Mythology that I have always been interested in are the Norns. They are much like the Fates in Greek mythology, but I prefer the Norse version. The Norns sit at the base of Yggdrasil and spin the threads of life for people as well as water Yggdrasil itself. There are many norns, as each person gets their own norn at birth. That norn determines your fate. Among the myriad of norns, there are three main Norns: Urðr, Verðandi, and Skuld, who represent past, present, and future respectively. However, they do not determine those things exclusively, as wyrd is determined by the way all three work together. They each spin their own thread, crossing and mixing with each other. Each may cut a thread at any time and add it back later. Each thread is like our stories, a moment in our life, what we have gone through and will go through. They are us and they are fragile.
Wyrd is a fickle thing. It takes us wherever it wants, regardless of our own desires. That does not make it all powerful, as it can be ignored, guided, or overpowered. To me, wyrd (fate) is not there to plan out your entire life, it is there to place things in your path. It is up to you to rise to the occasion. Wyrd can only take us to that point. It is up to us to take advantage of the opportunity. We hold all the power, though sometimes we feel powerless.
Wyrd also loves irony. It has placed an opportunity in my path, but to get to it I have to replay the lead up to my most painful tragedy on a far grander scale. I am risking far more this time, but the reward is far greater. This time around though, I do not fear it. I’ve avoided like situations for years, but I am finally ready to conquer this and seize the opportunity. I’ll not falter this time. The last time was rash foolishness, but I think it was something I had to do. The issue wasn’t in having it happen, it was in how I handled it when it fell apart. There’s no falling apart this time. This is the last barrier to conquer. After this, things will really start to change for the better. There will be no stopping me.