Lost and Searching

Posts tagged “Self Harm

My Maleficent Protector

I torture myself with every word
Those said and those unspoken
Looking for the meaning behind them
Laying myself open to their truth

I bathe myself in it
Seeking those things that hurt
Just so that I can feel
Just to avoid the emptiness

Numb for years and years
Looking for solace in anything
I cut myself upon the words
Seeking respite in the pain

I hold it close to my heart
Seething and burning
Worn like a cursed saint
My maleficent protector

When there is nothing but pain
The violence escalates
Feeding on itself
And breeding its filth

Corroding and consuming
Eradicating and extirpating
Destroying everything it touches
Until I am empty again

Where once I found perverted solace
There is abject nothingness
And the cycle ends
Waiting to begin again

 

I would give it all to you
If I thought you could handle it
If I thought you could survive
But you are not my salvation

 

 

I never asked for any of this
I just wanted to be normal
Instead I found comfort in pain
And gave it everything I was

 

 

 

I do not seek your ruin
The way you seek mine
I’ll destroy myself soon enough
With your help or without

 

 

 

 

Do I go on
Or does it end here
Where do I find the will
To choose one or the other


Because YOU Were Happy: A Poem About Pain

It didn’t matter
That I was sad,
That I was lonely.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I was in pain,
That I cried myself to sleep.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I hurt myself,
That I cut my flesh.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I wanted to kill myself,
That I was ready to say goodbye.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I had to hide this from you,
That I couldn’t tell you about it.
Because YOU were happy.

But it fucking mattered
That you didn’t see me,
That you didn’t care about me.
Because I wasn’t happy.

I wasn’t happy…