People always have things to say about my being single.
“You’ll find someone soon!”
“It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
“You’re lucky, you don’t have to put up with _____.”
“God has a plan for you.”
They think they’re helping, but they aren’t. They don’t know. It’s also different than when they tell this to their friends that have just gotten out of a relationship. I’ve never had one and I long ago passed the age where you’re supposed to have at least some semblance of an idea of what goes into dating. The older I get, the more difficult it is. The more I’m supposed to know, and the stranger it is that I don’t.
I won’t meet someone soon. I don’t go out. I don’t talk to people. I have the same group of friends I’ve had since I was 12. I can barely hold a conversation with the person at the checkout, so how am I supposed to meet someone and start dating? And when you expect to die alone, how can you possibly expect it less?
The people that say I’m lucky because I don’t have to put up with whatever bullshit relationship issue they choose are just fucking morons. They don’t know what it’s like to be alone like I am. When they look at being single, what they see is the freedom to do what they want without anyone to hold them accountable. They think of the annoying things that their partner does. They don’t think of the pain that comes with it, the crushing emotional and spiritual pain. They don’t remember all of the small things their partner does; the small comforting touches, the kind looks, or the intimacy that they share. They aren’t thinking about what it’s like looking at their bed and knowing that, for the X00th day straight, they get to share it with nobody. They also do not realize that when they are alone, they have touches and lovers to remember; that I have none of those small comforts. When I close my eyes and think of the women I have loved, I have to remember that not a goddamned one of them felt the same for me, that I have continually sought woman that want nothing to do with me.
And, finally… God did have a plan for me and I’m pretty sure I fucked it away 9 years ago. I know what it was, and I fucking ran. I hated Him and I told Him to take His plan and fuck off. I wasn’t going to do what He wanted after all He had let happen to me. I was angry, and spiteful, and a stupid fucking child. I made my biggest mistake for petty grievances and I’ve suffered the consequences. It’s not rational, I know, but in spite of all I have seen and learned, I can’t shake my faith in a Higher Power. I know all of the logical reasoning against a Higher Power, but there’s still that voice at the back of my mind that says “But what if you’re wrong?”, and so I believe, even if I can’t yet bring myself to live it. And if I believe, then I have to accept that He has plans, and that there are pros and cons to following them. I can’t dwell on the what-ifs, but I can see where the path diverged.
I am exhausted. I have been up for almost 24 hours now and I have to start work in an hour and a half. Sleep is not an option for me at this point. I lie down and close my eyes just to wake up.
Behind closed eyes, there is naught but ghostly technicolor reminiscent of an acid flashback. Glowing faintly, pulsing, moving over an empty song that plays in my mind. I try to put it all behind me, but it haunts me, skittering along and toying with my mind just enough to keep it from passing over the threshold of sleep.
And now I sit here, in a state of half aware wakefulness, watching the time countdown slowly until I start work. Eyes blurring, but mind sharp. Wondering if I will make it through my shift or pass out in the middle.
Music floats into my ears. When I drift to lower consciousness, I see and feel sounds. My mind is too malleable for what I have chosen to listen to. It will not influence me to act anything out, but it will exacerbate the issues within myself that I am able to put off on a rested mind. I can’t hide from myself, from that fact that in spite of it all, part of me expects to die alone having never had someone to share my life with. I can’t seem to overcome that thought. I suspect it is wrong, but there is overwhelming evidence to support it. I know things I could do to make it happen, but I don’t actually understand how they work. If any of them work it is through pure, dumb luck.
I do hate this subject and that I keep saying I hate it and talking about it anyways. I can’t escape it.
Yesterday and today my best friend and I started actually working on getting things together to begin a business venture that could potentially take care of us for the rest of our lives. I won’t go into it much, but suffice to say, it revolves around something we both enjoy and love. This is a long term project though. We are still in the learning and planning phase, but once we have done that we will start building and creating the first instances of our product.