People always have things to say about my being single.
“You’ll find someone soon!”
“It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
“You’re lucky, you don’t have to put up with _____.”
“God has a plan for you.”
They think they’re helping, but they aren’t. They don’t know. It’s also different than when they tell this to their friends that have just gotten out of a relationship. I’ve never had one and I long ago passed the age where you’re supposed to have at least some semblance of an idea of what goes into dating. The older I get, the more difficult it is. The more I’m supposed to know, and the stranger it is that I don’t.
I won’t meet someone soon. I don’t go out. I don’t talk to people. I have the same group of friends I’ve had since I was 12. I can barely hold a conversation with the person at the checkout, so how am I supposed to meet someone and start dating? And when you expect to die alone, how can you possibly expect it less?
The people that say I’m lucky because I don’t have to put up with whatever bullshit relationship issue they choose are just fucking morons. They don’t know what it’s like to be alone like I am. When they look at being single, what they see is the freedom to do what they want without anyone to hold them accountable. They think of the annoying things that their partner does. They don’t think of the pain that comes with it, the crushing emotional and spiritual pain. They don’t remember all of the small things their partner does; the small comforting touches, the kind looks, or the intimacy that they share. They aren’t thinking about what it’s like looking at their bed and knowing that, for the X00th day straight, they get to share it with nobody. They also do not realize that when they are alone, they have touches and lovers to remember; that I have none of those small comforts. When I close my eyes and think of the women I have loved, I have to remember that not a goddamned one of them felt the same for me, that I have continually sought woman that want nothing to do with me.
And, finally… God did have a plan for me and I’m pretty sure I fucked it away 9 years ago. I know what it was, and I fucking ran. I hated Him and I told Him to take His plan and fuck off. I wasn’t going to do what He wanted after all He had let happen to me. I was angry, and spiteful, and a stupid fucking child. I made my biggest mistake for petty grievances and I’ve suffered the consequences. It’s not rational, I know, but in spite of all I have seen and learned, I can’t shake my faith in a Higher Power. I know all of the logical reasoning against a Higher Power, but there’s still that voice at the back of my mind that says “But what if you’re wrong?”, and so I believe, even if I can’t yet bring myself to live it. And if I believe, then I have to accept that He has plans, and that there are pros and cons to following them. I can’t dwell on the what-ifs, but I can see where the path diverged.
I don’t write the long insightful posts anymore. I want to, but it’s not in me right now. I start them, but I never finish them because, oftentimes, they are just rehashings of the same things I’ve written about, which is not productive. Because of this, i have spent the last few months in a particularly introverted and introspective phase. I have been looking at all of this stuff, and I have been trying to deal with it.
Why do I need love? Why do I love those that will not love me? Why does this all hurt me so much? What can I do to change it?
I have also dealt with some of this in less than ideal ways. I mildly latched onto someone from my own history, whom I have known for years but has always just been around. Again, I knew nothing would come of it, but I felt that I needed someone to having feelings for, because I was hurting inside. There were a couple of very drunken nights were I found truth at the expense of what little dignity I had left. I pissed her off and creeped her out, but I think part of why it was her is because I knew that things would work out in the end, that they would go back to their old, awkward ways once I worked my shit out. And they are almost back there.
In the past few weeks I have finally, truly found that I am not ready. I saw it before, but I never understood it or knew it. It was always something abstract, but now it is concrete. I am still broken on a fundamental level. I still cannot love myself, not even a little. I actually quite actively hate who and what I am. I want it all to be different.
I also found that my attachment to women that will not love me comes from my unhappiness. I want, more than anything, to be happy. The reason I look to a relationship is because the only times in my life that I can remember being happy is when I had someone I cared for. My life outside of those scant few incidences is mired in depression, self-loathing, sadness, and anger. I have lived with depression all of my life, but the happy moments were those when I had someone. In them, I could find the love I can not show myself, even if they did not love me. I could see my love reflected in them, and I could be happy.
But this is not healthy for me. It is hiding from the issues. I’ve never dealt with my depression, just survived it as best I could, even when I almost could not. It has pervaded my life and run it for many years. I have put it off and tried to hide it at every turn. I don’t have a way to deal with it yet, but at least I am now aware of this.
All of this leads me to the knowledge and true understanding that a relationship will not solve anything for me, nor is it likely to be particularly healthy for me at this time. Knowing that does not make the pain of it less, but at least I know it. I still have the needs and desires, but now I can understand when they are misplaced and, more importantly, why. I still have no desire greater than a relationship, but I know that I need to put it away for now, until I’m in a better place. I don’t really want to though. It’s like giving up on your dreams. It fucking sucks.
So, now, I try to accept my current reality and figure out how best to deal with it; to fix it. I don’t know how, or even if I can fix what is wrong with me, but I have to try. There is a distinct possibility that the condition is permanent, and that I will never have what it is I desire most, but I have to try and put off that fear and focus on doing what I can. I have no plan. I have no idea of where to start. I just know I must.
It’s a bit fucked up how excited I get when my favorite bands have new albums out and I get to listen to them. Right now, I’m listening to How I learned to Stop Giving a Shit and Love Mindless Self Indulgence by MSI and it’s better than the first time I had sex. I’m pretty sure this is what love feels like. My pulse is racing, my face is flush, there’s a grin on my face that won’t leave, and I want nothing more than to spend all of my time with it. I am excited about all of the twists and turns that the music will provide in its playing. And it will change every time I listen to it. It will grow and I will love it more, even if it doesn’t excite me as much as it used to. Eventually, it will be comfortable and I will listen to it until I know everything about it, but I will always find new things in it. Even if I move onto other things, I will always be able to return to it and enjoy it and love it again.
I suppose none of that is fucked up. What’s fucked up is that I have had more meaningful relationships with albums than I have ever had with a woman. Music has never hurt me the way that they have. It has never told me it just wanted to be friends, that I was too weird, that it just wasn’t interested. Music has provided me more emotional support as well. It has helped me through every heartache and painful moment. Music has never left me either.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Alternatively: Why can’t I find someone that won’t hurt me?
There have been major romantic story lines in just about every single one of the shows I watch regularly this week. Abed and Troy, Troy and Britta, Mike and Rachel, Leslie and Ben, Nick and Jess, Raj and the girl from the comic book store, and a couple others I can’t think of at the moment. It has been odd but good. 3 of them brought tears to my eyes. I’ve even dreamed of romantic encounters, though I don’t remember details. Is it a sign? Is it just coincidence? I don’t know. I’d like to think of it as something positive though. Things are rocky for me but everything feels like it is right on the precipice of happening. Like it is waiting for one final push and it will all happen.
I hope it does. Solid good would be nice for a change. Things have been hesitantly good lately, and I am happy about that.
This started in another entry, but I realized it deserved its own entry. Love is something I have always wanted. It touches everything in my life. It is what I crave and want. It means many things to me. It is simple and easy. It is also complicated and difficult at times. In truth, I have no direct knowledge of love outside of unrequited love. I’ve never had a woman love me, as far as I know. Love is something they talk about in books, songs, and movies. Those are what I know of love, sad as that may seem.
Let’s talk about the things I see and want. I see someone I can talk with. I see goofing off and being childish. I see hand holding and shy looks. I see her lying next to me, head on my chest with our arms around each other. I want to know what it’s like to have someone look at you and smile because they can’t help it. I want someone that enjoys the things I have done for years that have made me feel foolish. I want to do stupid little things that make us laugh. I want stolen kisses and foolish giggles. I feel foolish saying all of this. It seems too much to want. It also feels odd to say it out loud, like I’m not supposed to say it or even want it. I’ve never really expressed what I want from a woman out loud. I’ve internalized it much as I have everything else in my life. Why should I have voiced it? I’ve never found anyone that wanted to give me even the smallest parts of it. It’s really only the things I think of that hurt me the most as I so often expect to never get any of them. These are also the things I think of when I think of love and I’ve only experienced, maybe two of the things here.
I’ve never really had a woman in my life. I’ve never been on a date. The last woman I kissed sober was a decade ago and even the drunken ones were few and far between and number under 5. I’ve only had one girlfriend and, honestly? I can argue that down to being entirely one sided and possibly nullified. While I have spent several months at a time talking with a woman, I have spent less than a week in the presence of all of those women, combined. I can’t help but look on all of this and feel pathetic. I have experienced almost nothing.
But, now comes a question I’ve never had before… should all of that matter? Does that lack of experience really mean that much? It is only me that worries about it and hurts for it. Until I tell someone, they will not know any of this. And how do I get experience but by going out and doing? Am I once again just fretting over things needlessly? Wouldn’t surprise me, I’ve done it my whole life. I think I need to learn to let go of what has and has not happened in the past and just focus on what I have in my present and set up a few things for the future.
My mom brought up a good point the other day in relating the changes I am making to AA/NA. I’m rediscovering myself right now and shedding the things that have held me back and down for far too long. In a sense, it is kind of like kicking an addiction. I am having to relearn how to do things and how to live again. The point she made is, they ask you to wait a year before you get into a relationship because you are having to relearn all of this stuff. Maybe I should just put it out of my mind for now and focus on the other things I do have and work on those. That’s not to say I would deny something if it came about, but I have so much else I have to deal with, fretting over relationships is an added stress. Granted, it is one of the biggest things I have to deal with, but I’m not entirely ready for all of that. I’m still finding myself. I need to focus on getting myself right and growing those things that I do have.
With that said, I will try and heed it, but I also know that I will still always wonder about love and relationships until it finally happens for me. When it is something you’ve wanted since you were a teen and have always been denied it, you can’t help but wonder. It is just always there on some level and I can’t really turn it off. I just want the waiting to be done, but I know I still have much waiting ahead of me.