People like to tell me they wish they didn’t have anyone, like I don’t. They don’t really know what they’re talking about though. Even if they were single, they wouldn’t be alone like I am. When they’re cold and alone in the dark, they’ll have past relationships to look back on and give them hope and warmth for the future. When it’s me, all I have to think of is the times I got things mixed up and fell in love with women that didn’t want anything from me. When I close my eyes, I don’t get to think of happy times with someone I loved.
They don’t want that. They want to be unencumbered. They want to be able to do whatever they want whenever they want without answering to someone. Except, that isn’t what it is like. Yeah, I don’t have to be accountable to a significant other, but there is always someone that will want me to account for things. A boss, a family member, a friend. And the freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I mostly spend my time doing nothing to distract myself from everything.
They want out, and I want in. I’d gladly trade places.
I don’t understand why I want someone in my life so badly. I can’t tell you where the desire comes from. I can’t even tell you what exactly the desire is. Sometimes it is to feel someone beside me. Sometimes it is to feel comforted. Other times it is to feel like I have someone to share myself with. Occasionally it is just to fuck someone. I see no reason behind it, no pattern. It is just there and sometimes the want of it drives me to tears.
I do not understand this at all. I don’t even know if I will want a relationship once I have one. I am a very independent person. I don’t often need people around. In the past 3 weeks I have seen nobody but my mother. I haven’t talked to anyone but my best friend, my mother, my aunt, and a couple work colleagues. I speak for less than 30 minutes per day, on average. I do not need human contact to survive. I can get along fine without it. Yet, in spite of that, the desire remains. It confounds me.
I have been ignoring it lately though. I’ve been swamped at work since I got the promotion. I’ve been drawing a lot since I got the tablet. In all, I have rarely had time to think about it. Yet, when I lie down to sleep and I do not pass out right away (like tonight) it is all I can think of.
I don’t want to think about it. I can’t really do anything about it. But, still, the thought is there. Haunting me. I wish I could truly put it aside. It is irrational. I understand it is an impossibility, yet it persists.
It will drive me mad one day. Probably sooner than I think. I just want it to be done before it takes what little sanity I still have.
I think I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am by someone other than my family (and my best friend is 100% family). I’m tired of being a friend. I love very easily. It’s a curse, but only because it has never brought good into my life. Those I have loved have always called me friend…
I’m not even going to pretend that this is sane. I am not that.