Lost and Searching

Posts tagged “Poetry

Dust in My Throat; Barbs in My Heart

Tendril heart

I know that I could love you
With the passion of a thousand poets
But I keep it all to myself

I would paint you a thousand pictures
Perfect and beautiful
To capture every part of you

I would write you a thousand love songs
Romantic and pure
To let you know you are loved

But all of my words turn to dust
Catching in my throat
And keeping the words from you

So I hold it all in,
Knowing that the joy of your presence
Is better than the pain of your denial

But my love is unrequited
Misplaced and hurting
Poisoning everything between us

Because you cannot do the same
I will always love you more
Than you will ever like me

One thing I have realized lately is that while I do not bond easily with people, the bonds I do develop are very deep. I don’t get into friendships (or more) easily, but when I do I go all the way in. So when I develop a crush, it is very strong. Thus, if it has to end, it is very painful. I have to dig out a very deep and sensitive tendril that burrowed deep into my heart and there is nothing but pain in it. After a while, the majority of it is out and I’m just left trying to excise the little bits that shot off from the main tendril and dug in deeper than the rest. Sometimes they’ll wriggle and painfully let me know they’re still there. Other times, I’ll come across one and see its atrophy and remove it painlessly.

But, no matter how hard I try, each and every one of them left at least a single barb in there that I can’t get at. It’s in the deepest parts of my heart. The section I can’t cut into without destroying intrinsic parts of myself. So, they’ll always be there; occasionally reminding me of each of your faces, your smiles, and your names. Because no matter how much I hurt afterwards, I did love you for a time and I cannot forget that.

 

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My Maleficent Protector

I torture myself with every word
Those said and those unspoken
Looking for the meaning behind them
Laying myself open to their truth

I bathe myself in it
Seeking those things that hurt
Just so that I can feel
Just to avoid the emptiness

Numb for years and years
Looking for solace in anything
I cut myself upon the words
Seeking respite in the pain

I hold it close to my heart
Seething and burning
Worn like a cursed saint
My maleficent protector

When there is nothing but pain
The violence escalates
Feeding on itself
And breeding its filth

Corroding and consuming
Eradicating and extirpating
Destroying everything it touches
Until I am empty again

Where once I found perverted solace
There is abject nothingness
And the cycle ends
Waiting to begin again

 

I would give it all to you
If I thought you could handle it
If I thought you could survive
But you are not my salvation

 

 

I never asked for any of this
I just wanted to be normal
Instead I found comfort in pain
And gave it everything I was

 

 

 

I do not seek your ruin
The way you seek mine
I’ll destroy myself soon enough
With your help or without

 

 

 

 

Do I go on
Or does it end here
Where do I find the will
To choose one or the other


Writing to You: Ghosts of What Never Was

Do you ever spare a thought,
For the one you forgot,
Your misbegot?

Do I cross your mind,
With a thought unkind,
Or am I left behind?

But I know I do not,
For in everything I sought,
I knew it was all for naught.

Because I can see,
That it’s not me,
And we will never be.

No matter what I do,
Nor how much good I sew,
It is not enough for you.

I want to stop writing to you, or you, or even you. It’s pathetic at this point. There’s nothing but pain and sadness in the words I can give to you, for that is all you’ve given me.

I want to write to Her. I know there is something happy to write about there. Even if she turns out to be you, there will be a period of happy things to write. I expect to die alone, so I very much look forward to those brief times when you are Her, even though I die each time She becomes you.


I Just Wanted to Say

The words are on my tongue,
But they cannot pass my lips.
I try to speak my peace,
But my brain says cease.

I only wish to express,
The things I cannot confess.
How I burn for you,
Or how I love the things you do.

A feeling started too young,
And dreams of things undone.
I kept you away where I could see,
Hoping one day you and I could be.

Now that day has come,
And I can’t get it begun.
So I bide my time again,
And wish for a time unseen.


Because YOU Were Happy: A Poem About Pain

It didn’t matter
That I was sad,
That I was lonely.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I was in pain,
That I cried myself to sleep.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I hurt myself,
That I cut my flesh.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I wanted to kill myself,
That I was ready to say goodbye.
Because YOU were happy.

It didn’t matter
That I had to hide this from you,
That I couldn’t tell you about it.
Because YOU were happy.

But it fucking mattered
That you didn’t see me,
That you didn’t care about me.
Because I wasn’t happy.

I wasn’t happy…