I haven’t been sleeping well for 2-3 weeks now. Insomnia is a common enough theme in my life, but I always loathe it. When it sets in, I have trouble accomplishing much of anything. I can function enough to get things done that need to be done, but I struggle with all else.
When my insomnia kicks into high gear, I have trouble staying awake when I need to be and am wide awake when I lie down in bed. Most days I lay down between 2 and 3 PM (as I work nights), but I typically end up lying there, awake and thinking, until at least 5, sometimes 6 or even 7. When I lie down, my mind seems to start churning and thinking on things and it keeps me awake. I can’t stop it, though I’ve heard a thousand ways to ‘cure’ my insomnia. None of them have worked. It is a lifetime affliction for me.
The severity of it right now is due to depression, which is another thing I can’t help. I’ve tried to ignore it for a bit, but all of my signs are there: insomnia, lack of desire, seeing people less, I haven’t been writing or drawing as much, and my diet has gotten worse. Although, I don’t think this will be a big depression. It always shows up eventually, but it always goes away too. I wish it didn’t though. I wish there was something I could do to keep it away. I wish that I could finally have a period of sustained happiness without caveat. Happiness is always tempered by eventual depression and the depression usually eats up whatever happiness that I had.
I just want to scream and tear shit up. I do not like being like this, depressed. I hate it. All I can think about now is all that is wrong in my life. I’m still alone. I have a job, but it barely pays my bills. I have friends, but I can’t see them often because of my schedule. I have art and writing, but it doesn’t pay any bills.
Honestly, I feel like the worst adult ever. I know I’m not, but I don’t even kind of have my hit together. I have a job, but I’m still poor as fuck. I barely make enough to cover my bills each month, let alone save for things like a car or a place of my own. There’s no apparent room for moving up at my job and every 12 months, I have to take 3 months off and reapply if I want to keep doing it. I love this job, but it isn’t enough. The problem is, I have no idea what else I could do. I just don’t know. Add to that a mountain of debt from college, a credit card, medical bills and a couple other bills I couldn’t pay because I have been poor as hell my entire adult life. I’m in a massive hole and I don’t know if I can get out. I’m paying on stuff, but it means that I have little to no money left for myself. And to round it all off, I’m still alone. And not just alone, but eternally alone. So alone that I have never actually had anyone in a decade.
I think what gets me down most is seeing others go through hardships and then come out better on the other side. We all go through some shit, it’s inevitable. The problem I see in my life is… I never come out the other side. I might get a couple months where things appear to be better, but eventually it turns back around and goes back to being the same ole shitty life. When your life plays out like that and you watch others go on to have such great lives in spite of having gone through the wringer, it hurts. I do not wish bad on them, I just wish that things would get better for me. I wish I knew how to make things better. I’ve helped a lot of people through their tough times, but there are only a few that have been around for mine.
I need to find a way to get past all of this though. I just don’t know how. I don’t want to do it alone, but I don’t think I get a choice in that.
I am exhausted. I have been up for almost 24 hours now and I have to start work in an hour and a half. Sleep is not an option for me at this point. I lie down and close my eyes just to wake up.
Behind closed eyes, there is naught but ghostly technicolor reminiscent of an acid flashback. Glowing faintly, pulsing, moving over an empty song that plays in my mind. I try to put it all behind me, but it haunts me, skittering along and toying with my mind just enough to keep it from passing over the threshold of sleep.
And now I sit here, in a state of half aware wakefulness, watching the time countdown slowly until I start work. Eyes blurring, but mind sharp. Wondering if I will make it through my shift or pass out in the middle.
Music floats into my ears. When I drift to lower consciousness, I see and feel sounds. My mind is too malleable for what I have chosen to listen to. It will not influence me to act anything out, but it will exacerbate the issues within myself that I am able to put off on a rested mind. I can’t hide from myself, from that fact that in spite of it all, part of me expects to die alone having never had someone to share my life with. I can’t seem to overcome that thought. I suspect it is wrong, but there is overwhelming evidence to support it. I know things I could do to make it happen, but I don’t actually understand how they work. If any of them work it is through pure, dumb luck.
I do hate this subject and that I keep saying I hate it and talking about it anyways. I can’t escape it.
Yesterday and today my best friend and I started actually working on getting things together to begin a business venture that could potentially take care of us for the rest of our lives. I won’t go into it much, but suffice to say, it revolves around something we both enjoy and love. This is a long term project though. We are still in the learning and planning phase, but once we have done that we will start building and creating the first instances of our product.