The words are on my tongue,
But they cannot pass my lips.
I try to speak my peace,
But my brain says cease.
I only wish to express,
The things I cannot confess.
How I burn for you,
Or how I love the things you do.
A feeling started too young,
And dreams of things undone.
I kept you away where I could see,
Hoping one day you and I could be.
Now that day has come,
And I can’t get it begun.
So I bide my time again,
And wish for a time unseen.
I turn 27 today. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I’ve typed about 8 different blogs out so far. I really don’t know how to shape this one. I already did an end of year ‘What Happened in My Life’ post, so that’s out. Yes, it makes more sense to do on my birthday, but I already did it so I’ll skip it now.
Getting older always reminds me of my fears. I’ve worked on some, but most are still there. I’m no longer terrified of leaving my house, but I still have issues in social situations. I put myself out there and fell for someone again, and while that did blow up in my face, it didn’t drive me as deep and dark as it has in the past.
I don’t write about it much anymore, but my fear of dying alone has never left me, I just don’t focus on it as much anymore. I don’t always have time. But, on the day when I am definitively older – to the point of increasing the number that is stated when asked my age – it is hard to ignore this particular fear. It will never leave me until I have proof of other outcomes. I had always known I would have sex at least once, so that didn’t do a single thing to change my fears. If anything, it cemented them. Yes, someone was willing to have sex with me, but she didn’t want anything to do with me in the ways that I need. She wanted friendship and I do not need friends. At least, not from someone I want to know in a more intimate way. I’ve got a lot of friends, but there is nobody in this world that I am aware of that wants anything more from me. And knowing that hurts. It hurts so fucking much.
I wish this fear would go away, but I cannot shake it. It has been with me longer than I can remember. I want to be done with it, but I don’t know how to excise it. I can ignore it most days, but it is always there on some level.
I don’t know where I was/am going with this. In spite of all that I wrote above, this year has been good to me. Yes, I got fired and I was broken hearted, but I’ve been working on a lot of stuff and getting myself right for once. In all, I was happy this year. I haven’t been able to say that in a long time. I’m still pretty fucked up, but it doesn’t seem as bad as it was before.
I don’t fucking know. So much for an awesome birthday post. Instead, I bawled my eyes out and lost my way in the middle. I’m such a mess. haha At least now, when I laugh at that, it’s in a joking ‘oh, you!’ kind of way rather than a sardonic ‘You stupid little fuck up’ kind of way. I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m working on it.
26 was for working on things and getting past stuff. I started a lot of things last year, I hope to see them start paying off during 27. I have hope that 27 will be a good year. I don’t think it will be the one I am hoping for, but I think it will lead to it. I’ll not find what I am looking for just yet, but I think by the end of it I will be closer to finding it. 26 was good, but 27 will be better.
I’ve been mulling over two thoughts today. The first is, where does one find these fabled ‘woman that think intelligence is sexy’? I’ve met all of two in my life, both of them this year. Neither was right for me. Granted, the first one almost took my virginity and the second one did, but still, I’m not actually looking for sex. What I want is a relationship and I know no woman is ever going to look at me and think ‘My god, I need that guy’. I just don’t engender that upon first look. However, I have always known that if the right woman sits down and talks with me, she very well may think ‘My god, I need that guy’. It’s the nature of who I am. I’m not ugly, just big. But being big limits the number of woman that will find me attractive. My intelligence does increase that number some, but it is still limited. I have the personality and intelligence that women want, but not the looks. Though I am working on becoming a smaller version of me, I will never be skinny or ripped. Who I am is a big guy, and that is how I plan to stay. I just don’t want to be this fucking big.
In the end, I know that my intelligence will play a big factor in finding someone, the question I have trouble with is how does that happen? For someone that ironically craves order and sees patterns in everything, it is very difficult to accept that meeting someone will be purely random and by chance. There are ways to skew that random, but it is still random. While I do love random and the non-sequitur, random in aspects of my life like love or day-today things bothers me. I can’t help it. I need some form of structure. I think that may b my biggest issue with wanting someone. I can’t really accept that it boils down to chaos.
This brings me to my next thought of the day. I’ve been talking about wanting and needing someone in my life for a long time, but why? Do I actually need someone in my life? Will it solve all of my problems and make me whole? The hard answer is, No. No, it will not. I do not actually need someone in my life. I’ve made it to 26 without anyone, I clearly know how to live alone. I don’t live as well as I could/should, but I can do it. I don’t need anyone to take care of me (though I did when I checked out of reality). My problems will not go away just because I meet someone either. They are not a cure-all and it would be horribly cruel to treat them as such. I am the only one that can fix myself.
In truth, I do not need someone, I just very much want it. That begs the question though, why do I want it? I can’t really answer that. Part of it is seeing how happy others are in relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever really been all that happy in my life. There are spurts of it, but it has been a very average to below average sort of life. Part of it also that the happiest times I remember are when I had someone I was talking with, though those talks rarely ever led to anything more than talking.
I’ve also put myself through hell by wondering if I would ever meet someone. It has been a central thought of mine since I was 13 or so and all of my friends started dating. The longer I went without having met anyone, the more difficult it became for me. I felt left behind. I felt… broken. Which is asinine. I was not lesser for having gone without. A relationship does not define who you are. You are the only one that can define you. But I have always missed that point. Even those friends that did not have steady partners were still out there hooking up and having sex. That never happened for me either. I was always on the sidelines looking in, waiting to get put in the game. I wasn’t though. While it did take me 26 years, I found quality over quantity. I also found that I am just not made for random hookups. I need something else there if I am going to have sex.
All of this leaves me with much to think about. I don’t think I could swear off the looking and wondering, but I think I can put it to the back burner and stop focusing on it. If it truly is borne of chaos, watching it and fretting over it will do nothing for me. Which means letting go of it for now will help me find peace with who I am and make me more ready for it when it finally comes.
What do I want out of this life? That’s a question I fear to answer. I’ve run from it for a while now. What I want has rarely been of any consequence to the actions that play out in my life. Things just sort of happen to me and around me, regardless of what I want. That’s not to say good things don’t happen, they do. They just rarely happen at times when I can capitalize on them.
“Right place, wrong time” is something that has always played out majorly in my life. My timing is shit, and it always has been. There that is again, Time. It’s the bane of my existence, but I’ve talked enough on that before. This post is about wanting, so…
What do I want out of this life? Everything. I realize that is no small thing to ask for, but we should all seek everything. Now, the follow up question to that most certainly has to be “What do you expect to get out of this life?” Nothing. If I expect, I get hurt. I’ve learned to expect nothing as those times I asked and expected I was greatly let down. I can’t afford to expect things anymore. I’ve been to the brink of destruction, I’d prefer not to go back.
If I want everything and expect nothing, what’s the point, what do I hope for? There was a time I hoped for marriage, children, a job to support it all comfortably. I suppose that somewhere, deep down, I still do hope for that, but as the years pass it seems ever more unlikely. But, mostly, those hopes were killed. Now, I’d settle for a hand in mine, a look that shows anything but contempt, or, if I’m feeling particularly bold, a hug. I realize how pathetic it sounds, that those are nothing, but when you reach 26 and can count in years between the times you have seen any of those things, they begin to grow and gain meaning. Truthfully, that’s not something I express often. I hide it because I know how stupid it sounds, but while others seek the next random sexual encounter, I just hope I’ll get to sit next to someone or have the slightest of physical contact.
That’s not to say I do not hope for random sexual encounter, but that’s the difference between wanting to drive and wanting to fly to the fucking moon. I am human, I do have compulsions and desires, but if I cut to the absolute heart of it all, it’s those simple things I really need. Those are the thoughts that drive me to seek and those are the things I hope for, that my skin burns for. When it got to it’s darkest and I’d been several years from the last contact, that was what my flesh remembered, the hand in mine, the arms around me and head pressed to my chest.
I suspect there is more in store for me than what I expect or even hope for, but I cannot see it yet. Thus far, more is just a myth people tell me to try and cheer me up. As much as I appreciate the words, I cannot believe in them, not yet. Not when the only thing I have seen is destruction and devastation. Not when the closest I ever came was at 16 and it haunted me until very recently.
So, for now, I try to live my life and put these things to deeper portions of the brain, try to keep the higher processes from taking it and consuming me. In the meantime, I hope for those things mentioned here and, most of all, hope that I am entirely wrong about what I expect, but I have to plan for my expectations and steel myself for the possibility I am right.
Rather than make a new post, I thought I would add to this one.
More than anything else, I want to stop living off the scraps of happiness I am given. I’ve learned to enjoy what little I find and enjoy them for what they are, but I want to find sustainable happiness. I’m tired of having to make do with what is. I want to know what it is to be happy all the time, not just the rare occasions I’ve found. Just once… even if it’s not forever, just once… I used to hope for an hour of it. I realize now that’s not enough, not really. That’s just more of what I’ve had. If I want a change, it’s got to be more than an hour. I don’t know how to seek more than that though. I don’t really know how to seek any of it, not really. I stumble into all that I find and don’t seem to notice it until it is gone. Hopefully the next time I can see it before it is gone.