I should be cleaning my rather messy room, or eating breakfast, or finally getting started on the painting I want to do, but yet again, I felt a need to write. This time, I’m not writing about love or heartbreak or the fucked up things in my mind. This time, I want to write about this blog itself. I want to write about what it is and what it means to me. I want to write about what it will be and where it will go. I also want to write about how it began, which means I start a new paragraph here…
This blog began as an extension of my healing process, which started about 2 years ago when I finally found work. I had blogged before, but that was on myspace and it was a very long time ago. The immediate precursor to this blog was talking with a friend. We had worked together for a couple years, but we hadn’t really started talking until about 4 months ago. Though I had been working on the issues in my life for a bit already, she was the fresh voice that helped me to really focus things and open up. I talked to her about things I hadn’t told many people. Outside of my best friend who had lived it with me, she was the first person I told about Anna, ever.
As we kept talking, I started writing on Facebook, opening up in small spurts here and there so that my friends and family could see. After about a month of doing that, I realized it just wasn’t a good place to be doing it. I needed to be doing it on a larger scale in a dedicated format. Facebook is good for updating what’s up, but it is not the place to expel your demons. So, I started looking at blogging sites. I had already had a tumblr for reasons I can’t even remember, but it didn’t seem like the right format. Then, my friend suggest wordpress. I checked it out and it seemed like a good fit, so I signed up and got started.
I jumped into this thing with both feet. I didn’t even bother to look into the backend mechanics of it or how it all works. I figured out how to post and it was done. I made my first post about 24 hours after signing up. I actually went through and made it look kind of good about 72 hours after signing up. I figured out categorizing about a week after I started it. Tags came a few days after that. The only thing I really knew from the start was how to write. This whole thing is moving pretty fast. I’m just hanging on and hoping it turns out well.
The instant I started with this, it felt right. I knew I had been missing this part of me and I was happy to have it back. Really though, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’m 22 (23 after I publish this) entries into it, and I really only know how to post and fuck with the themes a bit. I’m working toward figuring out how to make it run well, but I had to focus on the writing before I could ever get to the rest of it. And the writing is there. Sometimes it is still manic and fucked, but other times it is coherent and thought out. I can never predict how an entry will turn out, but I always know it will be me.
With that said, the next step is to get the blog’s appearance to reflect me. What it is now is just a theme that I can. It is somewhat dark and very grungy, but that does reflect me. However, it is not really me. Back in the day on myspace I learned html coding purely so I could change the appearance of everything. I didn’t like using the theme generators there and I don’t like using them here. Pretty soon I will cough up the $30 to get the ability to change the appearance of this blog to match who I am, as who I am is someone that has to design it all himself, from the ground up. That does mean I will also need to learn CSS coding, but that is fine. I love code language. Other people learn German, French, or Cantonese. I learn HTML, CSS, and JAVA.
Since I have the writing down and will be figuring out the appearance of it, the next step in this is figuring out the nuances and intricacies of how this whole site works. I suppose I don’t need to know that, but want to. If I’m going to do this, I am going to do it right. There’s no half assing it. I’m full ass or no ass. I may be slow about things, but I do try to do them as best as I can. (By the way, the full ass or no ass thing is a lie. I half ass shit all the time. It’s who I am, but I don’t half ass the stuff that matters.) Where was this paragraph going? Fuck it, let’s start a new one…
I foresee this blog going on for quite some time, though I know the subject matter will change. As the subject matter is me, it has to change. I am right smack-dab in the middle of changing my entire life, so it kind of has to change. For now, it will be able expelling my inner demons and getting this shit off my chest. While those things I am getting off my chest have centered around love and loneliness, there are other things I still need to get off my chest. I still haven’t talked about bullying much. In fact, I haven’t really gone into anything that happened before I turned 18. That is an entirely different can of worms though. I have to deal with the most recent issues in my life before I can go back to my childhood traumas, but I think I do need to go there too as they affected me just as much as the stuff I’ve been talking about here. I still also need to talk about religion and how it relates to me. I do believe in the Christian God, but it is far more complicated than that and I have many blogs to write on my thoughts on that.
Music has also not made much of an appearance here, which is incredible considering most of my days are filled with it. Though I will talk about music and how it relates to me, I would also like to spin this blog off into doing music reviews. It is something I flirted with before, but never really got into much. Even if I do not do reviews, I would like to talk about albums as a whole and how they affected me. Music is a driving force in my life. It has always been there for me. It touches every part of me. It even touches on much of what I have talked about in past entries in that every woman I have ever cared for has an album or band that reminds me of her, which is a blog I’ve been trying to figure out for the past week.
I should start working on improving my writing as well. I know that I ramble. That works well enough for what I am doing now, but if I want to get into writing other things and really growing this, I need to learn to be a better writer. I have the words, I have the allusions and imagery, but I don’t really have the structure. Well, I don’t have a good structure. In truth, my blogs are structured much like my mind in that they are mildly cohesive, slightly scattered, and entirely unique. Writing has never really been something I focused on. It was always something I just did. I think it is just another extension of my art and artistic ability. It just happens, very much on its own. I took no classes and I’m sure it shows, but it is not as fractured as it should be without having taken classes on writing.
In truth, I do not have grand plans for my writing. It will always be with me, but it will probably always play a secondary (or tertiary) role to my painting and my drawing. Painting is my true artistic love. It is what I am working on to make a career out of. The painting is what will provide for me in the future, even if I still have to have a real job for now. I do need to paint more, but my current schedule makes that difficult. A compressor is too loud to run at 2 am when I get off work. I am trying to figure it out though. I do get to do some painting before work on occasions. I would love to be able to do more painting though. I’m only just getting started with it. I really only have two styles I do right now, space and water/koi. I know I can do more, as those two things are things I can’t even begin to draw but painting them is natural. Much as with every other aspect of my life, there is still a lot I need to learn in painting. It will happen though.
To end this, I know I got away from talking about this blog some, but such is what happens when I let my mind go. However, it didn’t stray far. In talking about where this blog will go, it is natural that I would need to tie in other aspects of my art and where they will go. This blog is an extension of my artistic abilities just as much as it is a way for me to work through all that has happened in my life.
I’ve already written 2 entries today, but I feel like there’s another one trying to get out. All of this is me trying to clear out my mind and there has been much chaos in there this past week. I do try to make it all coherent and hope that it is well written, but I haven’t been able to assure that this week. Half the time, I just ended up hitting the publish button when I felt like I couldn’t go any further, not even taking the time to reread it or double check it beforehand. I’ve just sort of been dumping stuff here to get it out of me, no matter what. This hasn’t even been my only outlet. I’ve also been writing on Facebook, drawing, planning out paintings, and talking with people.
I’ve been entirely derailed. I put on Chasing Amy, which is a very important movie to me. I admire Holden for having the balls to say it, but I pity him and relate to him for falling for a woman he couldn’t have even if they did end up together. That sort of stuff never happens in real life. I’ve fallen for women that couldn’t care for me the way I cared for them, but saying I cared never changed how they felt. When it all played out, I was still left dealing with the pain of the unrequited, never to know what it felt like to have it fulfilled. I see a lot of parallels in this movie. The unrequited love, the best friend that wants it to work but knows it won’t, being so incredibly far out of your element that you are just waiting for it to fall apart, but I also see the many differences.
I’m gonna quote his speech now, because it feels right to do. It’s something I would like to be able to do in my own life, though it is slightly foolish. But, no matter how foolish it is, it is better to stand up and declare yourself than sit back and always wonder what may have been. Those thoughts of what may have been linger far longer than the inevitable rejection.
Alyssa: Why are we stopping?
Holden: ‘Cause I can’t take this.
Alyssa: Can’t take what?
Holden: I love you.
Alyssa: You love me?
Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t-I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, ’cause I’ve never felt this way before, and I-I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there’s a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just – you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
My favorite quote from the movie though is what happens after this, after she runs off and he chases after her getting told off the whole way.
“If this is a crush, I don’t think I could take it if the real thing ever happened. ”
That quote has always spoken to me. It is spoken with so much soul crushed dejection. I’ve known that kind of pain. Knowing you loved and that you were the only one in it that did.
The whole movie speaks to me. Seeing Holden confront Alyssa and then hurt her out of fear. His feelings of insignificance. His foolish attempt to fix it that only makes it worse. It even helped shape my views on homosexuality. It’s no different that heterosexual relationships. They’re both stupid and messy but feel amazing. I love the scene where she confronts him on his views on sex and virginity. Or when Alyssa and Banky compare pussy eating injuries. It is Kevin Smith’s best movie, in my opinion. I don’t watch it often, but it always speaks to me when I do.
Now that I have gone over the movie and why I love it, I see that I may not have been derailed as much as I thought. This does relate back to wanting to talk about writing, drawing, and whatever else I do. I do all that stuff to deal with the sort of things Holden goes through n the film. Drawing and writing are my outlets. The more I do them, the better I feel about things. The writing expels my inner issues and the drawing and painting appease my creative needs.
For the first time in a long time, I have a very strong desire to create. I’ve been writing incredible amounts. I’ve taken to drawing again. I’m painting and trying to grow that into a business. I even have a desire to create music again, though that is still something I am not very good at. In all, as I write and clear my mind, it frees me up to create more art and to expand my art into areas I’ve never gone before. It is exciting to think of where I will go in the future. For now is still the infancy of my change. I will go much further and it will be great.
Aside from wanting to create, my mind is more open now than it has been in a long time. My depression stunted me and even regressed me some. It was a very dark time for me and it affected me in ways I couldn’t even understand then. I do remember a few times feeling like I had lost some of my intelligence. I was even worried that maybe alcohol or drugs had caused it, but I see now that it was due in large part to my depression. The deeper it got, the more withdrawn and closed off I became. I was shutting down parts of myself and it was detrimental to my mind in more ways than just what yo normally expect of depression. It made me someone I never want to be again. I want, no. I need to continue to exercise my mind. Losing that part of me in the depression scared me. It made me wonder if I would ever regain the sharp edge of my intelligence. I have regained that edge, and now I am honing it. Soon it will be the sharpest it has ever been and nothing will stand in its way.
I’m almost back and once I am, the world is fucked cause I’m taking over. haha