Lost and Searching

It’s Okay to be Fat, but Only if You’re a Woman

You don’t read much about male body issues. I read a lot about body image issues, but it’s pretty much all written by females and for females. I can’t recall a single article I’ve ever read about male body image issues. It’s as if they don’t exist. The world is trying to get women to feel better about their bodies, but they’re pretty much ignoring the men. Women aren’t the only ones with body fears.

I have pretty serious body image issues. I mean, how could I not? Yes, I’m 6′ tall, but I weigh upwards of 550 pounds. Even when I weighed 350, I hated my body. Now, I wear pants with a 56″ waist. I wear size 5XLT shirts. There is literally no store in my town of 180,000 people that sells clothing in my size. There was, but it closed down last year. I have to buy my clothing online and I pay at least $40 for a single t-shirt, and that’s the cheapest item I buy. The selection is fucking horrible too. Women have an entire industry dedicated to making cute clothes for big girls. There is nothing of the sort for men. If you are over a 2XL, good fucking luck finding something cool to wear. Even the big & tall places think big guys only want to wear suits, button ups, or polos. I want to fucking wear geek wear. I want Star Wars and Deadpool, not plaid button-ups. You would think the comic book industry would understand this.

I only own 7 shirts. Not because I don’t want more, but because they are the only ones I could find that didn’t suck. I own one hoody. It’s literally the only one I could find, and they don’t make it anymore. Pants are easier to find, but they pretty much only want to make cargo pants, dress pants, or jeans. I’m not sure if that’s a universal thing though as even when I was less fat, I only wore Dickies pants and shorts. Really, they don’t make much clothing for big guys and that which they do make is super fucking expensive and not at all a style I want to wear.

This is about more than just clothes though. The US already hates fat people, but they seem to hate fat men the most… unless they’re funny. In media, the only fat men are either constantly shamed and the butt of all jokes, or they are the one making the jokes. John Goodman, Billy Gardell, Chris Farley, John Belushi, Ralphie May, Gabriel Iglesias. These are some of the very few positive male role models of size that I have. Of them all, Goodman is the only one that ever had anything other than funny roles. I realize that women don’t have many either, but they do have Oprah, Melissa McCarthy, Mo’Nique, Roseanne Barr, Mia Tyler (pretty sure there isn’t a SINGLE big male model…), and so many more. Big women in media still take shit for being big, but they are respected and don’t have to rely solely on how funny they are to get respect. They can get respect because of who they are, not how they act. And people stick up for them.

This is also evident in porn. There’s an entire and very large (no pun intended) genre of porn dedicated to large women. For the most part, they are not portrayed as disgusting or gross and are even referred to as “Big Beautiful Women” (BBW). There’s really no corresponding genre for men (I’ve looked). Yes, porn is directed at men, but there’s really no representation of big men in porn. If they are there, it is purely for ridicule and disgrace. The men in porn are almost always muscular, or at the very least, skinny. Even the creepy ones aren’t fat.

Men don’t take as much crap in the media for being big though, so that could help explain why there is less talk about body issues with men. Men are generally allowed a bit more “wiggle” room in their size. The acceptable size for men is a bit larger than it is for women. That doesn’t mean all sizes are accepted though. If you’re exceptionally large (as in, not just 15-25 lbs overweight), you’re probably going to get dirty looks because of your size. I know women go through this as well, but they have support. They have people that speak out for them and help to change this perception. Men don’t really have support like that.

Women, now, are taught to embrace their body. That all types are okay and that you should not feel shame for your body type. Guys don’t really get that. Nobody really talks about our bodies. There are no blogs dedicated to making us all feel as though we are normal. There are no photography exhibits showing off all of the different sizes of men or nationwide commercials saying that real men have curves. Society says that men do not have issues with their body image. They deal with personality but ignore that our bodies affect us the way that a woman’s body affects her. Men are not supposed to have body issues. That’s a woman issue.

In the end, I’m not trying to say that women have it easier. Not at all. Our society is still gender-biased towards males. I know that this issue is difficult for both sexes. What I am trying to say though, is that men do not have the support that women have. If you are not a physically fit alpha male trying to dominate everything in sight, you are not considered at all. If you have issues with how you look you’re told to suck it up because nobody cares.

Or, I could be completely off with all of this and I just haven’t looked hard enough/don’t know where to look. I don’t know. I just know that as I wrote this blog and read others about body issues, I felt very alone as a big man having issues with his size. Because of that, I lashed out some. I know that women have it rough as well, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to be upset about this either.

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One response

  1. Toby Evans

    I think you are very brave for blogging. I wish you the best.

    I’m a bi dude and I started out fat and now I’m just overweight, mainly because everyone else in America gained weight and now I’m just considered overweight, not because I actually lost weight. 😦 I’m 5’7″ and 220 lbs. I’m 50 lbs overweight and 29% above my ideal bodyweight. Most of my previous relationships are with men but I’m only dating women now.

    1. Women are more accepting of weight than you might think. However, they are VERY judgemental when it comes to height (which you have, lucky you), career/money and CONFIDENCE. They get off on a guy being cocky even with nothing to back it up. You are going to get disapproval from women – as the guy, you are supposed to be able to handle it and still want her. They get real moody with their periods and shit and they need to know you can handle their moodiness. When a woman likes you, sometimes she’ll avoid eye contact and stumble through conversations (which guys do, too) and sometimes she will throw up a wall by dissing you to see if you desire her enough to scale the wall. She will play hard to get and you need to play along.

    If a woman actually finds you unattractive, she won’t even notice you – she will forget your name, ignore you, find an excuse to leave the conversation, etc. She will pretend that you do not have a penis.

    Don’t look to women to show your desirability by having sex with you, that’s not how they tick. Their sexual desire gets turned on when they are desired. Whores and women in porn are faking. Women seducing men always have an ulterior motive. My stepson was very handsome and women would use him as arm candy to impress their female friends, as a token of their desirability, not because they were actually interested in him emotionally. Yes, they wanted him physically but they actually had sex with him for an ulterior motive (impressing their friends). Being used for arm candy sucks worse than being rejected.

    I am suggesting that your preoccupation with your weight and your low self-esteem are much bigger obstacles to dating women than actually being fat. If you were muscular and gorgeous, wore nothing but hoodies, t-shirts with deadpool and star wars and endlessly perseverated about some other minor feature (like acne, having a small dick, back hair or being a redhead), you would have equally poor results with women.

    If your career is going well, focus on that with women. They will be impressed and attracted to you. Seriously, don’t be afraid to flash the cash. Don’t give them money but don’t be afraid to spend money on having a good time together, if you can afford to. They especially love to go to music concerts.

    2. Be glad you’re straight and fat. Being a fat gay man is horrible. You get treated worse than dirt and looked at like you are a monster. Twinks will act like you have fat cooties and stand several feet away.

    3. Its really unhealthy to be that big. You are heading for health problems if you don’t have them already. Rational people with other options don’t want to join you for that ride. My exlover of blessed memory, Bill, we were together for seven years. He was really big. I loved him and found him very sexy in spite of his weight. He visited the emergency room at least three times a year. One time was for a week with a MRSA infection that almost killed him. It pained him to take walks. He would be brave and go anyway but then pay for it later by joints aching for days. He took tons of painkillers. We broke up (it was mutual) but remained close friends. He died a couple years ago from a stroke at 53. What kind of a life is that? Who wants to join you for that life? People will, but they are going to be people who have a lot of health problems, emotional baggage or ugliness. People who have a lot of other options are not going to sign up for a healthcare roller coaster ride no matter how hot they think you are.

    You should lose the weight for your own health and wellbeing, not to get a woman. If you are on a journey to health, than women will want to join you on that journey. If you are on a journey to self-destruction, healthy and wise people will forgo joining you. Naive and self-destructive people will join you on that journey and you can go down together in an orgy of nihilism. Do you want that?

    4. Do you want “a woman”? Will anyone do? Who do you want to share your life with? What is she like? What race is she? What does her body look like? What does her face look like? Women demand A LOT from a man. You have to like them enough to be willing to put up with that crap. Relationships are hard regardless of gender. Someone has to be very special to you to put the energy in for a relationship. I can tell that you are lonely and that you are doubting your desirability.

    Women DO show their desire by flirting – I think its good to have a couple flirty friends – women that I’m not compatible with relationship-wise but that there is mutual attraction – it helps boost theirs and my ego and its fun. A woman who is older or younger or from a different culture that you would not be willing to date, its safe to flirt with her.

    I hope I haven’t offended you or hurt your feelings. I can be very blunt. I wish you the best. Thank you for blogging.
    -Ehren

    May 6, 2013 at 1:09 pm

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