Lost and Searching

Single: a Gaping Void

Your version of single is very different than mine. When you look back, you look back with knowing and understanding. You look back and you get to remember those past relationships that you had, even though they failed.

Me? I get to look back and remember my fuck ups. I look back and hear “oh man! Do you remember her? That was one of the ones you fell in love with! But do you remember what she thought it was? She just thought you two were really good friends. She said you were like her brother, you dumb sack of shit! Her brother! Ha! How could you not see she didn’t feel the same way? Idiot!”

There are no truly happy memories for me. All of my relationships weren’t, even when I thought they were. No matter what I thought, it was always wrong. They never called me boyfriend or thought of me as anything other than friend. For whatever reason, I wasn’t good enough to be that for them, not even when they told me things they didn’t tell their boyfriends. I was always on the outside looking in.

Your version of single is a separation. You are in between relationships. Maybe you’re actually looking forward to it because you haven’t been “just you” in a while. You’ve been here before and you’re pretty sure it will change soon enough.

For me, it’s a void. It is a complete and utter lack of anything. I don’t know if it will ever end. I never even wanted this, I just have to survive it.

You wonder who the next one will be. I wonder if I’m going to die alone eating lead.

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One response

  1. Valerie

    oh, Jeremiah–I wish there was something I could say that wasn’t trite. Your pain is palpable. Everything I want to write right now would seem like I’m trying to diminish your feelings. I read your posts because you are an amazing writer. You’re incredibly articulate, intelligent, focused–God has truly given you artistic talent and you’ve cultivated it–you use it. So many people waste their talent. Even if you had no talent at all, you’re still loved and wanted even if you don’t feel it. Jeremiah, I’m just a cousin, but I love you and wish I could fix it for you. Please don’t even think about “eating lead.” You don’t know what the future holds. Just know I’m praying for you. I love you, Valerie

    April 19, 2013 at 9:50 am

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