Lost and Searching

You Are Not Special

I have had pretty severe self worth issues for most of my life. I don’t think I have have ever felt as though I was worth anything. I understand that I have things to offer people, but I don’t really see the value of them. I do not see why anyone would want those things from me in particular when there are better people that can give them to them.

Pretty early on it was drilled into me day in and day out that I was worthless. I learned at a young age that I was not special; that I was just like everybody else, and possibly even less than them. Hearing that every single day causes you to believe it and 18 years later, I still believe it.

I believe that I have said before that I just want to feel special, like I matter more than others. I have always felt entirely replaceable, even in my own life. I have felt as though anyone could have played the parts I have played. Many people have gone out of their way to make sure I knew that, but I do not think anyone has ever tried to tell me otherwise. I can honestly not remember a time when I felt special since about age 6.

This goes deep into who I am. I do not feel like I am worth doing anything for. At all. There are things that I need to change, but I have trouble working on them because I am doing them for me and that is just not a worthwhile goal in my mind. Those times in my life where I have tried to become a better person and really work on things were when I was talking to someone and there was high potential for it to become more than just friendship. As soon as it was (inevitably) made clear to me that friendship was as far as it would go, I stopped trying to be better.

I can see all of this in my life recently. I started talking to someone. Then I started painting and trying to turn that into something, finally. Then I started exercising and eating right. And I was happy. And then it was made explicitly clear that we would only be friends and I stopped it all. Even my blogs slowed and became more difficult to write. We still talk, but I can’t derive that drive from her anymore. Sometimes I think maybe we should stop talking, but I do care about her and I would hate to not have her to talk to.

I do not like needing someone else to excite the drive to be better, but I can’t seem to find it inside of myself to care about me enough to do anything about it. I want to live a better life and I want to be healthier and I want to be happy, but the drive necessary to do it just isn’t there. I am not a worthy reason for anything. I deserve nothing and I expect nothing. And that is exactly what I have gotten. Because I do not believe I am worth it, I do not have anything worthwhile. I cannot seek a girlfriend because I do not see how any woman could ever want to be with me. A part of me realizes that I have many qualities a woman would desire and that my weight isn’t the hindrance I think it is, but the rest of me thinks that I am worthless and therefore do not deserve to have anyone in my life.

I do not know what to do to change this. I do not know how to change my view of self. I mean, I can say to myself ‘I AM worth it’, but how do I get myself to believe it?

 

Is what I am really looking for someone to care for me and love me in a way I have never been able to do for myself? All of the things I think of when I think about finding someone are about love and comfort, things I do not have in my life now or in the not-so-recent past. They are also things I have never been able to find within myself. I have always felt best when I was talking with someone that had potential for more.

I… don’t know. This area is all cloudy for me. I don’t know what I want out of a relationship, I just know that there is a deep desire in me to no longer be alone.

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. – Tyler Durden, Fight Club

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