Lost and Searching

Insomnia, My Old Friend

I am exhausted. I have been up for almost 24 hours now and I have to start work in an hour and a half. Sleep is not an option for me at this point. I lie down and close my eyes just to wake up.

Behind closed eyes, there is naught but ghostly technicolor reminiscent of an acid flashback. Glowing faintly, pulsing, moving over an empty song that plays in my mind. I try to put it all behind me, but it haunts me, skittering along and toying with my mind just enough to keep it from passing over the threshold of sleep.

And now I sit here, in a state of half aware wakefulness, watching the time countdown slowly until I start work. Eyes blurring, but mind sharp. Wondering if I will make it through my shift or pass out in the middle.

Music floats into my ears. When I drift to lower consciousness, I see and feel sounds. My mind is too malleable for what I have chosen to listen to. It will not influence me to act anything out, but it will exacerbate the issues within myself that I am able to put off on a rested mind. I can’t hide from myself, from that fact that in spite of it all, part of me expects to die alone having never had someone to share my life with. I can’t seem to overcome that thought. I suspect it is wrong, but there is overwhelming evidence to support it. I know things I could do to make it happen, but I don’t actually understand how they work. If any of them work it is through pure, dumb luck.

I do hate this subject and that I keep saying I hate it and talking about it anyways. I can’t escape it.

Yesterday and today my best friend and I started actually working on getting things together to begin a business venture that could potentially take care of us for the rest of our lives. I won’t go into it much, but suffice to say, it revolves around something we both enjoy and love. This is a long term project though. We are still in the learning and planning phase, but once we have done that we will start building and creating the first instances of our product.

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