Lost and Searching

Introspection

Introspection is not always such a noble thing to have. While it can lead to deeper understanding of one’s self, knowing those things is not always good. Oftentimes the things you learn lead to more questions and the cycle repeats until you are so far within that you cannot see the path back out.

There is no kind way to put it, but I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be too stupid to know you’re fucked up. There is a certain sort of peace that can be achieved in just living as you are without analyzing why it is you are as you are. I realize that this is something that can be achieved by anyone no matter their intelligence level, but I find that the fact that I can seek out the reasons behind things means I have to and that I have no choice in it sometimes.

This is not to say I am better than anyone for this. Nobody is any better than another person, and I least of all. We are all on equal ground until we go forth and prove that we do not deserve to be, but it is not for me to decide who is better or worse. Others will decide that among themselves, though they likely shouldn’t. Judgement should be left to those that cannot be judged themselves, but such is not our society.

Going back, introspection is something I am cursed with. It does not have to be curse, but it has been thus far. At the height of my worst depression introspection was all that I had. I went so deep that I could not find a way out. I was stuck within myself, analyzing all that had failed in my life until that time. I could not find the balance between it and living.

I am still quite introspective, but now I am trying to find the balance. I can analyze myself, but I also need to go out and put what I find to use. I haven’t done that much lately, though. Since I got back from my trip I have been stuck in a state of deep introspection. I have shut myself away from the world for a time as I figure out where I succeeded and where I failed. It is a step backwards, but I think it is one I needed to take. But, now, I need to start making steps forward again. I thought my art was that, but it was more of a step sideways. It was good, but it was just another aspect of introspection.

I think that two months of deep thought on all that happened on my trip is enough. It was a huge moment in my life. For the first time in many years, I went very far out of my way to be with a woman. Looking back, I probably should have avoided it because it left me more hurt than healed, but I am glad I did it. Yes, she was not someone I could be with, but I could never know that until I went and saw it for myself. It showed me that even if it may not work out, I can put myself out there if I think it might be worthwhile. It may have even be good that it failed, because this time it failed in a positive matter. Yes, it hurt, but it did not drag me down as much as it would have in the past. I know I have stepped away from things for a bit, but I think that is natural in such a situation.

I also lost my stigmata, my virginity. It hung over me like a dark cloud. I wore it like a badge of shame. Losing it was nothing as I expected. I did not suddenly gain anything. I am still the same person. The only difference is that I cannot call myself a virgin any longer.

The only real change that losing my virginity brought is that my libido is off the charts and I can’t stop thinking about all that we did that weekend. It has driven me crazy lately. It has also negatively affected my relationship with the woman at times, as I cannot always keep myself from asking if we can go back to it at times even though we have both decided to leave that aspect out of our relationship going forward. I’m not the least bit happy I cannot contain myself at all times, but sometimes the tension within me is too great to ignore and it bursts forth in the most inappropriate of ways. I wish I could handle it better, but I’m just not certain what to do. I’m to the point of… handling things… 3+ times a day lately, to the point of pain. I know that getting laid would help, but that is another can of worms that I am still working on.

I find it interesting that a post about the pitfalls of introspection lead to a short period of introspection. I suppose it should be only natural to assume that when discussing a topic, one would delve into it and find unexpected paths within it. Not all introspection is bad though. It is a very useful tool that can be used to understand yourself better and become a better person, but it must be used wisely. If you are overly introspective  you can negatively affect yourself. You can go so deep into it that you get lost and you start critiquing every single word or thought that you have. If you go that deep you are only hurting yourself as you can become more worried about the consequence of the action before it is made and forget that action needs to be made in order to actually have a consequence to analyze. Once you begin to analyze what-ifs, you risk losing yourself for fear of making the wrong decision, which is something I did for many years and have been doing for the past 2 months. Though, now that I see it I should be able to move past it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s