Lost and Searching

Awaiting the Sandman: Desires Unfulfilled

I don’t understand why I want someone in my life so badly. I can’t tell you where the desire comes from. I can’t even tell you what exactly the desire is. Sometimes it is to feel someone beside me. Sometimes it is to feel comforted. Other times it is to feel like I have someone to share myself with. Occasionally it is just to fuck someone. I see no reason behind it, no pattern. It is just there and sometimes the want of it drives me to tears.

I do not understand this at all. I don’t even know if I will want a relationship once I have one. I am a very independent person. I don’t often need people around. In the past 3 weeks I have seen nobody but my mother. I haven’t talked to anyone but my best friend, my mother, my aunt, and a couple work colleagues. I speak for less than 30 minutes per day, on average. I do not need human contact to survive. I can get along fine without it. Yet, in spite of that, the desire remains. It confounds me.

I have been ignoring it lately though. I’ve been swamped at work since I got the promotion. I’ve been drawing a lot since I got the tablet. In all, I have rarely had time to think about it. Yet, when I lie down to sleep and I do not pass out right away (like tonight) it is all I can think of.

I don’t want to think about it. I can’t really do anything about it. But, still, the thought is there. Haunting me. I wish I could truly put it aside. It is irrational. I understand it is an impossibility, yet it persists.

It will drive me mad one day. Probably sooner than I think. I just want it to be done before it takes what little sanity I still have.

I think I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am by someone other than my family (and my best friend is 100% family). I’m tired of being a friend. I love very easily. It’s a curse, but only because it has never brought good into my life. Those I have loved have always called me friend…

I’m not even going to pretend that this is sane. I am not that.

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