Lost and Searching

Changes: Not Fucking Easy

This new schedule is fucking with me. Granted, this is only my second day on it, but it is confusing my body. It has me in a hyper-emotional state. I’m really not sure what to do with myself. I went to bed at 1 pm and initially woke up at 6 pm with my body telling me it was time to get up because I was wasting the day away. I tried to go back to sleep, and eventually did, but it wasn’t very restful.

“Oh, it’s so hard doing it alone! I wish I didn’t have to.” That’s what is running through my head and it is extremely annoying. I can do this. I don’t actually need anyone to help me with this. I’m not going to fail and curl up because I have to do it all alone. I always get it done when I need to. That said, it would be easier if I weren’t alone. If I had direct support from someone that cared. But I don’t, so I do as I have always done and dig deep and do.

This will be for the best. I needed this change to enact things in my life. On my old schedule, I just couldn’t paint. I need to paint, but because I worked 5 pm to 2 am, I had no time to do so. before work I just wasn’t feeling creative and after work is too late to be running a compressor. So, I decided to go to nights, working from 12 – 9 am. I think it will work out well, even if the schedule adjustment is fucking with me.

This first week will be a wash. I have no plans for it other than to work and to get my body used to this new schedule. It will not be easy, but it will get done. I am already very nearly on the sleep pattern I want, I just need to let my body acclimate to it so that it stops trying to wake me up after just a couple hours of sleep.

After that first week, the plan is to start incorporating elements of a new lifestyle into it. The first element will be walking again. I haven’t done it at all in probably 2 months. Between my trip, my emotional and spiritual state, and everything else that has been happening lately, it was just too much for me, so I put it off. Now that I am getting it all straightened out again, it is time to start walking again. I am going to try and sync that with a renewed sense of eating healthy. I’ve kind of been doing that, but not as well as I could or should. It isn’t that I do not like to eat healthy, it is just easier and more convenient not to. That’s a shit excuse though, so I’m going to stop using it.

The painting is the next big step to add in. I don’t know when that will be added though. Art in general will just happen sporadically throughout, much as it always has in my life. I’m going to try and learn to make it happen though. I can’t entirely be an airbrush artist if my art just happens on a whim. My most personal art will always happen on a whim and a thought, but I need to learn to be able to create other things at will.

That’s about all I really have set out for myself in getting this all handled. I know I can do it, it will just take time. The current plan may turn out to be ambitious, but I will try to make it work as best I can. I need to get a handle on my life.

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