Lost and Searching

Stalling pt. 2: The Truth

Blah, blah, blah.

Write, write, write.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

I want to write. I want to use this to progress in my life. But as I stated in the last post, I’m stalled. This goes deeper than just my desire and ability to write. I’m having trouble getting started in other things in my life.

 

I have been afraid to get started painting or making art. I’ve made it in fits and spurts, but I haven’t really started in earnest yet. I want to, but I’m afraid to. It’s daunting. I know it’s what I should be doing, but it’s hard to start. I’m afraid to fail at it. It’s everything and if I fail, I’ll be more lost than ever before. That thought stops me in my tracks. Because of it, I am trying to figure out every possible aspect of it so that I can solve all the problems before I encounter them and assure that I make it happen. I want to do all that I can to make sure that I succeed because I don’t know what to do if I don’t.

 

It’s absurd, really. I cannot solve all the problems. I cannot even conceive of all the problems. But, fear is not rational. Fear is the mind killer. But I do not know how to overcome it. It has always held me back. Fear of self. Fear of others. Fear of being alone. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of many things. It eats away at me. I don’t know where it came from. I can’t seem to get past it.

 

Everyone always tries to encourage me and tell me to ‘Just go out and do it’, but I don’t understand that concept. How can you just go do it? What if you make the wrong first step and it messes everything up? Then you’re on an entirely different path and have to figure all of that out, and if you get another thing wrong you’re rethinking it all again. I don’t really get ‘winging it’. I can do it in some aspects, but the big things are too big for me to do that. It all has to be planned and deviance is strife, and strife is something that is to be avoided.

 

It’s insane, really. To think that I have to account for all possible outcomes before I can even start. I might actually be insane though, or at least partially so. I know I’m something. I think it might be asperger’s, but schizophrenia or a number of other things may be the issue. I’ve never been able to find out though. I can self diagnose all I want, but I need someone outside to tell me. Because of this not knowing, living life is like playing with only half the book. I can get some of the stuff, but other stuff is just… missing. Sometimes you find pages here and there and fill in blank spots, but it’s slow going. I feel broken because of it. I’ve always felt broken.

 

I have to figure it out in spite of that though. I know I can’t live in fear, but I don’t really know any other way. All I really know is this is no way to live. I don’t like it. I haven’t particularly enjoyed most of the life I’ve led so far. It’s actually been pretty shitty.

 

God damnit. All I can think right now is ‘I just want someone that I can share this with. I’m tired of doing it alone’. I know I have family and friends I can talk with, but… I’m afraid to do that too. I don’t want them to think less of me. Another absurd statement, but it is what it is. This is when I feel like I want someone the most. That won’t change anything though, I’ll still be the broken little boy. I’m still very, very lost and the more I get stuck in my head, the more lost I feel.

Not only have I not gotten started with painting, I have also completely stopped eating healthy and exercising. I keep saying I’m going to start both of them tomorrow, but I don’t. I want to, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

I haven’t actually done shit in the past 3-ish weeks except write and work. A lot of it stems back to my trip. Even though I got much to think about out of it, it was still a failure of sorts. It was good, and I had to do it, but I still failed. I left early and though I left with other things, I did not leave with what I had really wanted. I’m still alone, even if I still have her as a friend. It hurts to lose that hope. I know that I’ll find it again, but I liked the thought that it might be in front of me already.

 

More than it hurting, it pissed me off. I’m very tired of thinking I see it and misinterpreting it. I’m also angry that I see it all around me yet I can’t fucking have it. I don’t understand why I can’t. I’ve always felt as though it was withheld from me by something larger than me and that it was dangled in front of me and then taken back. I have always felt that it was entirely out of my hands. I have heard so many fucking times how nice I am and how they hope I find someone because I ‘deserve’ it. It’s actually pretty demeaning to hear that, especially from someone you were hoping to pursue. If I somehow deserve it but have not had it, it means there is something defective in me that keeps it away. I don’t think I deserve it though. I don’t see how one can deserve to be loved. Being kind and good doesn’t entitle you to anything, except that society says it does. Except, society shows that it doesn’t. It is the ruthless and the cutthroat that progress the farthest.

 

I’ve gone from crying while writing this to being so upset and angry that I wanted to hit something as hard as I could until I bled. Obviously, I found a tender thread. I’m so tried of all of this. I just want to skip ahead to where I already have it all figured out. There isn’t a single fucking thing in any of the 36 entries I’ve made that has been even remotely easy for me. I’m playing on raw nerves here. I am so incredibly broken and hurt and because I’ve run from it all for so long, I have to deal with it all at the same fucking time.

 

I’m so very tired of being fucked up. I’m tried of being uncomfortable. I haven’t felt remotely comfortable in years. I’m tired of feeling lost and powerless. I just want to feel like I have a purpose and a place. I had one, once. I threw it away though. Finding a new one has been an impossible task.

 

I really do feel like I’m supposed to do something with art though. I pray for guidance and wisdom a lot. I know I fucked up the last time and I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to be a fuck up. I have been, but I want to change it.

 

I haven’t been 100% idle though. I bought a graphics tablet the other day that should be here Wednesday. This means I’ll be able to start making more art through digital means. I was supposed to start saving for a car, but I really felt like I needed to get this to advance my art. On top of making digital art, it will allow me to create stencils for my painting and other projects. I’ve also requested a shift to nights at my job so that I can paint when I get off work. As it is now, I find it very difficult to paint. If need be, I can paint before work but I do not feel creative then at all. And I can’t paint after work, I get off at 2 am and compressors are loud.

 

But, those are just two small steps. I need to be doing more, I just don’t know what else I could be doing right now. I just have to power through this. So what that my trip wasn’t what I wanted? It was still good. I know more about myself now than I did before I left. There’s no need for it to keep me down any longer.

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