Lost and Searching

Stalling: Unfortunate, but Inevitable

On top of the 5 entries I have posted this week, I’ve tried to write about 5-7 other entries that just wouldn’t form. They were all very fractured and incomplete. I’ve felt drawn to write whenever I started them, but I have been unable to form the thoughts that are floating around. I’ve tried to write about love, loneliness, friendship, music, and more. The music one is the most complete, but even that wouldn’t finish.

I’m stalled.

I think I’ve said all that I can on most of those subjects for now. Most of my entries have been about love or loneliness and I think I’ve come to the end of that for now. It doesn’t feel like the past where it would build up to the point of being overwhelming. This time, it feels like I’ve just talked it to its stopping point. There’s not much more I can say. I think that going forward, I need to just put it out of my mind for a time. At this point, talking about it can’t do anything else for me, so I need to just accept that I do not have love for now and that I am to be alone for a while longer yet.

These past 4 weeks have been tumultuous and exciting. So much has happened and I’ve written about all of it. I have written at a furious pace and part of me feels like I need to keep it up, which is ironic considering I felt like I was posting too much when it was happening. The reality is, I don’t need to write here. I do this because it helps me focus my thoughts into something far more coherent than what happens in my mind. My mind is a… unique… place. I’ll not lie, it is extraordinary. However, that translates to working on so many different levels that I can’t always keep track of them all. This blog is here to help me find the threads in some of the levels and follow them and place them in some sort of order that makes sense to myself. Once they are ordered, I can distinguish them from the tangents that form around them and find conclusions to the thoughts.

I’ve talked with my best friend about this blog. It kinda pisses him off. He wishes I would talk to him directly about stuff in this blog and wonders why I can’t do that when I can post it so freely here for others to read. I’ve tried to explain it, but I am not that great in face to face chats. Here, I have hours to find and craft the words. Face to face I have seconds, and while I am quick witted, real answers don’t come that quickly for me. I need to think about how to say stuff before I say it. While I write this in a manner that suggests I am writing to a large audience of readers, I’m not. I just don’t know how to write any other way. I’m only writing this to myself. Yes, I post it to the internet at large, but I don’t expect anyone to read it. I would like for that to happen, but I don’t expect it.

I can’t entirely explain why I post this. I think I just want people to know who I am and understand me. As my best friend pointed out, I want to be accepted. I’ve rarely ever been accepted for exactly who I am. That’s not the entire reason for it though, it’s just a small part of it. I think I just want people to know who I am. I have always felt invisible. With few exceptions, I have always felt replaceable. I want to feel somehow special. I know, “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”, but doesn’t everyone want to feel special in some way? I want to feel like someone needs me in their life. I know my best friend feels that way, but that is very different, though that may just be taking him for granted which is wholly unfair. I wouldn’t be anywhere if it weren’t for him, but there is one role in my life he can’t play.

It’s that role that I write about so much. It is the one thing I have yet to have any experience with and it is the thing I’ve been looking for the longest. In truth, I don’t know why I want it so badly. There is a very distinct possibility that I will find someone and find out that I really don’t want that. In spite of all my talk of loneliness, I’m actually pretty good at being alone. I can take care of myself well enough and don’t need someone around me at all times. In fact, I have problems being around people in general. I don’t really like them. Because of that, relationships may just fail for me. However, I have always felt a longing to be with someone. All I have to go on is how I feel when I have a woman to talk to that seems to be progressing towards something other than friendship. The only real conclusion I can come to about all of this is ‘I don’t know’.

That brings me back to my original point: I need to put those thoughts of love and loneliness aside and focus on other things for now.  I can’t put anymore of myself into fretting over whether or not I will die alone. If it happens, it happens. Until that day, I need to put my efforts into better myself and my position in life. Right now, I’m still pretty emotionally crippled. I’m also pretty fucking poor. I have a job and make enough to get by, but only barely. I’m tired of surviving. I want to start thriving. If I put this crap out of my mind and focus my efforts on my art, I think I can start doing that. Once I start thriving, then other things will fall into place and begin to happen.

It will never fully leave my mind though. It’s been too big a part of me for too long. I will always long for someone, but I can choose not to focus on it.

 

Fuck, this is all so scattered and broken. I don’t know if it makes any sense at all. I don’t think it matters though. This whole ‘fixing myself’ thing is being invented as I go. I’ll probably fuck it all up, but I have to try. I should see a therapist, really, but I can’t afford that. So, until I can, I wing it and hope for the best.

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