Lost and Searching

Pausing to Notice the Rocket Beneath Me

I have far too much that I need to get out. This past weekend has been filled with a need to write. So much so that I feel like I may be writing too much. That’s an asinine thought though. While I am aware that I have people that read this and am aware my rapid fire method of posting may be too much, I can’t really worry about that yet. I love each and every view, comment, like, and subscribe that I get, but this blog is still about me getting stuff out and if that means I have to post 10 times a day, so be it. I apologize if it is too much, but there is much in my mind.

 

With that, we come back to a most popular subject of mine, love and relationships. Maybe. I feel something here, but I don’t want to force it. There’s something about the subject of not knowing, about how I really have no idea about relationships. Really, I have no fucking clue how one starts. I don’t truly understand the concept of starting it.

 

No, this is not to be the subject tonight.

 

This past week and a few days has been unlike any that I have ever had before in my life. I don’t really know what to make of it. I drove to meet a woman. I let myself be vulnerable. I spent time alone with a woman. I lost my virginity. I found that we were just friends. I really felt something for the first time in a lot of years. I totally fucked my diet up.

 

I, I don’t know.

 

I did so much. It feels like it has been far more than a week. I’ve written, I’ve drawn, I’ve yet to paint but I do have the canvas prepped. I’ve done so very much. It’s a blur. I’ve even been working. Though I don’t remember much of the working, i know I did my job well.

 

It will take me more time yet to process it all. That means many more entries here as well. There’s much left to figure out and deal with. In an odd dichotomy, my mind is both more clear and more chaotic than it has ever been before. I’ve gone over and through everything a thousand times and have made progress.

 

I feel like I’m in a car driving 140 miles per hour. Everything dead ahead of me seems oddly clear, but everything to the sides is whipping by so fast as to be invisible. If I really stop to focus on something as it goes past, I can stay aware of it, but not for long.

 

I haven’t really done much, yet I’ve done everything. I’ve neglected cleaning my room, I have yet to start the painting I want to do, I haven’t been eating well, and I haven’t hardly gone outside. Yet, I’ve written 9 (including this one) blog entries. I’ve gone to lunch with my best friend and actually discussed real shit. I’ve talked with my mom. talked with my cousin. I drew an image that I lived in a trip a few months back but had been afraid to attempt to draw. I bought new markers, a canvas, an upgrade for the blog. I guess what it boils down to is that I’ve made a lot of big strides mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, but I have yet to see them actually manifest themselves physically. I think that will change though.

 

Monday I get back to doing my thing to get healthy. I’m also going to try and paint. I’ve had a week now to be within myself, I think now is the time to move without and start to do stuff in the outer world. Maybe I won’t paint tomorrow. I think I’ll clean instead. Get rid of the physical chaos around me. It will be calming and I’ll get to accomplish something. I kind of need to feel like I have accomplished something in the physical realm. Getting my room clean is just a very good place to start. Call it a new beginning of sorts. I’ll give it a good cleaning. Move out some crap I’ve had in here for far too long, clean the floors, just get it all nice and tidy. My asthma and allergies will hate it (allergic to dust mites) but it’ll be good once it’s done.

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