Lost and Searching

Meta Blog: Blogging About the Future of this Blog

I should be cleaning my rather messy room, or eating breakfast, or finally getting started on the painting I want to do, but yet again, I felt a need to write. This time, I’m not writing about love or heartbreak or the fucked up things in my mind. This time, I want to write about this blog itself. I want to write about what it is and what it means to me. I want to write about what it will be and where it will go. I also want to write about how it began, which means I start a new paragraph here…

This blog began as an extension of my healing process, which started about 2 years ago when I finally found work. I had blogged before, but that was on myspace and it was a very long time ago. The immediate precursor to this blog was talking with a friend. We had worked together for a couple years, but we hadn’t really started talking until about 4 months ago. Though I had been working on the issues in my life for a bit already, she was the fresh voice that helped me to really focus things and open up. I talked to her about things I hadn’t told many people. Outside of my best friend who had lived it with me, she was the first person I told about Anna, ever.

As we kept talking, I started writing on Facebook, opening up in small spurts here and there so that my friends and family could see. After about a month of doing that, I realized it just wasn’t a good place to be doing it. I needed to be doing it on a larger scale in a dedicated format. Facebook is good for updating what’s up, but it is not the place to expel your demons. So, I started looking at blogging sites. I had already had a tumblr for reasons I can’t even remember, but it didn’t seem like the right format. Then, my friend suggest wordpress. I checked it out and it seemed like a good fit, so I signed up and got started.

I jumped into this thing with both feet. I didn’t even bother to look into the backend mechanics of it or how it all works. I figured out how to post and it was done. I made my first post about 24 hours after signing up. I actually went through and made it look kind of good about 72 hours after signing up. I figured out categorizing about a week after I started it. Tags came a few days after that. The only thing I really knew from the start was how to write. This whole thing is moving pretty fast. I’m just hanging on and hoping it turns out well.

The instant I started with this, it felt right. I knew I had been missing this part of me and I was happy to have it back. Really though, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’m 22 (23 after I publish this) entries into it, and I really only know how to post and fuck with the themes a bit. I’m working toward figuring out how to make it run well, but I had to focus on the writing before I could ever get to the rest of it. And the writing is there. Sometimes it is still manic and fucked, but other times it is coherent and thought out. I can never predict how an entry will turn out, but I always know it will be me.

With that said, the next step is to get the blog’s appearance to reflect me. What it is now is just a theme that I can. It is somewhat dark and very grungy, but that does reflect me. However, it is not really me. Back in the day on myspace I learned html coding purely so I could change the appearance of everything. I didn’t like using the theme generators there and I don’t like using them here. Pretty soon I will cough up the $30 to get the ability to change the appearance of this blog to match who I am, as who I am is someone that has to design it all himself, from the ground up. That does mean I will also need to learn CSS coding, but that is fine. I love code language. Other people learn German, French, or Cantonese. I learn HTML, CSS, and JAVA.

Since I have the writing down and will be figuring out the appearance of it, the next step in this is figuring out the nuances and intricacies of how this whole site works. I suppose I don’t need to know that, but want to. If I’m going to do this, I am going to do it right. There’s no half assing it. I’m full ass or no ass. I may be slow about things, but I do try to do them as best as I can. (By the way, the full ass or no ass thing is a lie. I half ass shit all the time.  It’s who I am, but I don’t half ass the stuff that matters.) Where was this paragraph going? Fuck it, let’s start a new one…

I foresee this blog going on for quite some time, though I know the subject matter will change. As the subject matter is me, it has to change. I am right smack-dab in the middle of changing my entire life, so it kind of has to change. For now, it will be able expelling my inner demons and getting this shit off my chest. While those things I am getting off my chest have centered around love and loneliness, there are other things I still need to get off my chest. I still haven’t talked about bullying much. In fact, I haven’t really gone into anything that happened before I turned 18. That is an entirely different can of worms though. I have to deal with the most recent issues in my life before I can go back to my childhood traumas, but I think I do need to go there too as they affected me just as much as the stuff I’ve been talking about here. I still also need to talk about religion and how it relates to me. I do believe in the Christian God, but it is far more complicated than that and I have many blogs to write on my thoughts on that.

Music has also not made much of an appearance here, which is incredible considering most of my days are filled with it. Though I will talk about music and how it relates to me, I would also like to spin this blog off into doing music reviews. It is something I flirted with before, but never really got into much. Even if I do not do reviews, I would like to talk about albums as a whole and how they affected me. Music is a driving force in my life. It has always been there for me.  It touches every part of me. It even touches on much of what I have talked about in past entries in that every woman I have ever cared for has an album or band that reminds me of her, which is a blog I’ve been trying to figure out for the past week.

I should start working on improving my writing as well. I know that I ramble. That works well enough for what I am doing now, but if I want to get into writing other things and really growing this, I need to learn to be a better writer. I have the words, I have the allusions and imagery, but I don’t really have the structure. Well, I don’t have a good structure. In truth, my blogs are structured much like my mind in that they are mildly cohesive, slightly scattered, and entirely unique. Writing has never really been something I focused on. It was always something I just did. I think it is just another extension of my art and artistic ability. It just happens, very much on its own. I took no classes and I’m sure it shows, but it is not as fractured as it should be without having taken classes on writing.

In truth, I do not have grand plans for my writing. It will always be with me, but it will probably always play a secondary (or tertiary) role to my painting and my drawing. Painting is my true artistic love. It is what I am working on to make a career out of. The painting is what will provide for me in the future, even if I still have to have a real job for now. I do need to paint more, but my current schedule makes that difficult. A compressor is too loud to run at 2 am when I get off work. I am trying to figure it out though. I do get to do some painting before work on occasions. I would love to be able to do more painting though. I’m only just getting started with it. I really only have two styles I do right now, space and water/koi. I know I can do more, as those two things are things I can’t even begin to draw but painting them is natural. Much as with every other aspect of my life, there is still a lot I need to learn in painting. It will happen though.

To end this, I know I got away from talking about this blog some, but such is what happens when I let my mind go. However, it didn’t stray far. In talking about where this blog will go, it is natural that I would need to tie in other aspects of my art and where they will go. This blog is an extension of my artistic abilities just as much as it is a way for me to work through all that has happened in my life.


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