Lost and Searching

All That Talk of Intelligence and I Can’t Think of a Title…

I’ve already written 2 entries today, but I feel like there’s another one trying to get out. All of this is me trying to clear out my mind and there has been much chaos in there this past week. I do try to make it all coherent and hope that it is well written, but I haven’t been able to assure that this week. Half the time, I just ended up hitting the publish button when I felt like I couldn’t go any further, not even taking the time to reread it or double check it beforehand. I’ve just sort of been dumping stuff here to get it out of me, no matter what. This hasn’t even been my only outlet. I’ve also been writing on Facebook, drawing, planning out paintings, and talking with people.

I’ve been entirely derailed. I put on Chasing Amy, which is a very important movie to me. I admire Holden for having the balls to say it, but I pity him and relate to him for falling for a woman he couldn’t have even if they did end up together. That sort of stuff never happens in real life. I’ve fallen for women that couldn’t care for me the way I cared for them, but saying I cared never changed how they felt. When it all played out, I was still left dealing with the pain of the unrequited, never to know what it felt like to have it fulfilled. I see a lot of parallels in this movie. The unrequited love, the best friend that wants it to work but knows it won’t, being so incredibly far out of your element that you are just waiting for it to fall apart, but I also see the many differences.

I’m gonna quote his speech now, because it feels right to do. It’s something I would like to be able to do in my own life, though it is slightly foolish. But, no matter how foolish it is, it is better to stand up and declare yourself than sit back and always wonder what may have been. Those thoughts of what may have been linger far longer than the inevitable rejection.

Alyssa: Why are we stopping?
Holden: ‘Cause I can’t take this.
Alyssa: Can’t take what?
Holden: I love you.
Alyssa: You love me?
Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t-I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, ’cause I’ve never felt this way before, and I-I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there’s a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just – you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

My favorite quote from the movie though is what happens after this, after she runs off and he chases after her getting told off the whole way.

“If this is a crush, I don’t think I could take it if the real thing ever happened. ”

That quote has always spoken to me. It is spoken with so much soul crushed dejection. I’ve known that kind of pain. Knowing you loved and that you were the only one in it that did.

The whole movie speaks to me. Seeing Holden confront Alyssa and then hurt her out of fear. His feelings of¬†insignificance. His foolish attempt to fix it that only makes it worse. It even helped shape my views on homosexuality. It’s no different that heterosexual relationships. They’re both stupid and messy but feel amazing. I love the scene where she confronts him on his views on sex and virginity. Or when Alyssa and Banky compare pussy eating injuries. It is Kevin Smith’s best movie, in my opinion. I don’t watch it often, but it always speaks to me when I do.

Now that I have gone over the movie and why I love it, I see that I may not have been derailed as much as I thought. This does relate back to wanting to talk about writing, drawing, and whatever else I do. I do all that stuff to deal with the sort of things Holden goes through n the film. Drawing and writing are my outlets. The more I do them, the better I feel about things. The writing expels my inner issues and the drawing and painting appease my creative needs.

For the first time in a long time, I have a very strong desire to create. I’ve been writing incredible amounts. I’ve taken to drawing again. I’m painting and trying to grow that into a business. I even have a desire to create music again, though that is still something I am not very good at. In all, as I write and clear my mind, it frees me up to create more art and to expand my art into areas I’ve never gone before. It is exciting to think of where I will go in the future. For now is still the infancy of my change. I will go much further and it will be great.

Aside from wanting to create, my mind is more open now than it has been in a long time. My depression stunted me and even regressed me some. It was a very dark time for me and it affected me in ways I couldn’t even understand then. I do remember a few times feeling like I had lost some of my intelligence. I was even worried that maybe alcohol or drugs had caused it, but I see now that it was due in large part to my depression. The deeper it got, the more withdrawn and closed off I became. I was shutting down parts of myself and it was detrimental to my mind in more ways than just what yo normally expect of depression. It made me someone I never want to be again. I want, no. I need to continue to exercise my mind. Losing that part of me in the depression scared me. It made me wonder if I would ever regain the sharp edge of my intelligence. I have regained that edge, and now I am honing it. Soon it will be the sharpest it has ever been and nothing will stand in its way.

I’m almost back and once I am, the world is fucked cause I’m taking over. haha

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