Lost and Searching

Sifting through what was and what wasn’t

It’s odd. I used to be lost without the computer and the games I play. Now? I kind of want to get away from it. I’m on here and I can’t help but think of this past weekend. Most of the time, I’m fine, but there are times when it is all I can think off. It shouldn’t be so bad, but there is a sense of loss in the thinking. I haven’t heard from her since the day after I got back. I talked about what had happened, she said a few words, and that was it. She said things would change, but I didn’t really expect to not hear from her. So, I have to process it all and get the thoughts out of my head.

I feel like it should be done already. We weren’t dating. It wasn’t headed toward dating, and we were never going to be together romantically. In spite of that, I couldn’t help but feel. It’s a part of who I am. I enjoyed having someone I could talk to and share things with, even if I couldn’t truly share my heart the way I wanted to. There is a large void in me that seeks to have someone in my life and it reaches out for the wrong person sometimes. I try not to, but I can’t always help it.

I’m really not sure. Things are just off and I think it is me adjusting to my new reality. Kind of tired of this reality though. Always the friend. I want to know what it’s like to have someone beside me, pressed against me with my arm around them. As foolish as it was, talking to someone let me imagine that stuff in the context of a real person. Knowing I would see her let me hope that I might find it. Even though I was told it wouldn’t happen, I couldn’t help but wonder about it and getting there and seeing it couldn’t be hurt some.

6-ish hours later and I’m still not sure. It’ll just take time. It will take far less time now than it has in the past. Really though, it’s not that bad. It’s just a readjustment. It’s foolish. I knew better, but parts of me won’t let it be. I think that instead of repeating things, I should take this in a new direction. I don’t yet know what I want to write, I just know I want to write.

I’ve never felt all that comfortable doing anything with a woman. Even this past weekend, I asked permission to touch her because I assumed she didn’t want me to. It was torturous to be so close to her each day knowing I couldn’t reach over and touch her. The only time I got to touch her (and not just in a sexual manner) was once we went to bed. We shared a bed each night I was there and it took 4 days before we slept together. I tried to, but she kept denying it. Even when I had my fingers or tongue in her, she said no. She came every night and I had to wait 3 nights and even that took coaxing. I was going out of my mind. I wanted her more than I have ever wanted before and I kept having to wait. I did understand the waiting, but it didn’t make it easier. It was physically painful and I didn’t know what to do.

It’s difficult to approach a woman when most of the times you have you were met with derision or snide looks/remarks. Seeing the eyes move up and down you as her brow furrows and her upper lip crawls up in a derisive manner is not easy to handle. I didn’t see these things this past weekend, but I also didn’t see a lot of happy looks. At most, I saw mild interest. I mostly just felt like I was there. It seemed to me it wouldn’t have mattered if I were there or not.

I wanted to feel special. I never get to feel special. I feel replaceable most times, like anybody that will listen could have taken my place. That may not be the reality of it, but it’s how I’ve felt. I just want to see a woman look at me and see that look in her eyes that tells me she gives a fuck that it’s me and is happy that it is me. I want to know what it is like to be desired. Part of me still wonders if I will ever see that and if I do, how long it will be before I do.

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