Lost and Searching

Everything Can Change on a New Year’s Day

Not an original title, I know, but it fits. For once, the post starts there. The title usually follows the post, summing it up and presenting it in a nice little bow. Err…


I remember thinking to myself on New Year’s Day this year that it was going to be a good tear. I had no idea why, really. On that day, I knew I wouldn’t have a job in 9 days. I still had no prospect for work after that. I was still alone. I still lacked a lot. But as I stood there, sipping chugging cinnamon whiskey, I couldn’t help but think that things would go well for me this year. It was finally time for a good year. I’d earned it, hadn’t I? I had a lot of bad years since my last good one.


I didn’t know then that it really would be a good year. I don’t even have any idea why this year should be any better than the others, but it is. I’m growing, I’m shrinking, I’m learning, and I’m getting myself out there. Within the first month I had already come closer to having sex than I ever had before. The next month I actually painted something for the first time in years. During those first 3 months, I was out of work, but I was happy. I got by and managed to survive it until I got my old job back. After I got my job back, I managed to dig myself out of the hole that unemployment caused and started buying myself paint supplies so I could start painting more, which I have been doing. I even started talking with someone. It’s not what I had imagined, but it has been incredible. I’ve grown a lot through that. This blog is an extension of that.


I have had some bad times though. I had a couple unexpected hospital trips that I really couldn’t afford. A bill collector finally caught up with me (though I am happy to finally be paying it off). I found out it wouldn’t be possible for me to move out on my own this year. Worst of all, I lost my Nana. Even now, I’m getting misty-eyed. However, with the exception of my Nana’s passing, most of the bad has been set backs that weren’t all that bad, really. They sucked, but they didn’t stop me.


In truth, these few things are the only things I can put my finger on as bad times, which is amazing. When I really look back on this year, it has been a very good year. So much is going right in my life for the first time in many, many years. I’m even trying to start a business and have an idea for another one that may get started soon. This year really is going well, and as I type this out, I see that as dark as my other blogs get, they are just letting things go. They are my way of moving on. I am not done with them, but they do not weigh on me as much because they are here.


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