Lost and Searching

Unexpected Love Letter… to Myself

I have a lot in me that I need to write about. I have a lot that is trying to escape me. I’ve spent a lifetime repressing everything, but I am trying to change that. The writing helps. I have worked through a lot of things through this writing. I have already changed some opinions and thoughts from the very first posts to now.

Thus far I have covered my loneliness, my fear, my hatred, and my pain. I’ve really only touched on those things though, so there are many more posts like that to come. However, there are other things I need to get out. I still haven’t touched bullying, religion, faith, music, drugs, or art, to name a few. There is much I have left to write about. I know there are a few posts about bullying in me, just as there is an entire series on religion. I may start with an outline for the religion posts and relegate them to their own page. There was a time in my life when I was supposed to preach and though it is no longer my calling, that man is still within me. Music and art… well, they fall under religion too. So do drugs, in a sense.  These things will get their own posts as well.

I’ve only been doing this for all of 15 days and once this is published, it will be my 10th blog to date and the 4th in just over 48 hours. In total I have written 5736 words (this blog not counted). The darker the subject, the longer it has been. My shortest posts were about being happy. Unfortunately, that can’t be helped yet. Happiness is still a rarity for me. There is much darkness waiting to be expelled, so those will still tend to be the longest posts. I long for the day when I can write about how well things are going, but at this time, I can’t even fathom how they would look or sound.

Though I know what I feel I need to write about, I cannot predict when, how, or why I will write about things. The writing just happens. I have a feeling this week will see a lot of posts though. I will be left to my own devices for some time, which means the odds of my going into my head are high. However, rather than dwelling on it all, I will come here. This is my release, my catharsis. This is my sanity.

For now, I write only for myself. I know I have friends and family that read it, though it is still just a small handful of people. I am no longer going to hide myself away. I may not approach anyone directly about what I write, but in time I will be open to discussing it. In truth, I did not expect what has come of this. I wrote that first blog and it opened a floodgate. I expected to be my old cheeky and self deprecating self from my days on myspace doing this, but I was very wrong. Those blogs were more about stroking my ego. I wrote them because I wanted people to see just how much pain I had, like I was bragging about it. I stopped when others stopped reading or commenting. Now, I have few reads and few comments, but there’s no fucking stopping this. This is blast off. This is aiming for the stars because fuck stopping at the moon or mars. This will be me. It will be a telling of my journey. I’ve started it already, but, for now, I am still writing the preamble. I have to work through the past to get to the present and clear the way for the future.

I’m finally unlocking parts of my mind I thought I had lost. When I look back on my darkest times, I see that they were literally dark. I see it. The memories are dim and tinged in grime. There are some I need to clean off and truly explore, but there are others that disgust me and make me wonder how I could have let that happen. When I look at my present, it is clear, though chaotic. I can’t really look to the future yet. It’s still hazy, but I see there is sunshine there, it just has to burn the haze off. In spite of how I talk in other blogs about how I can’t stand fucking waiting anymore, I realize I don’t have much longer to wait. I may end up waiting a few years yet to find Her, but in a few months I think I will be so busy I won’t have the time to feel the waiting press upon me.

This is just one of several avenues I am exploring. It has already consumed me, but I have other things I will focus on as well. I have my weight loss to work on. I am still not where I need to be with exercising, but I am working on that and actually don’t mind walking places anymore, I just happen to live in the hills and am not quite built to handle that yet. I am working on my eating though. I no longer crave fast food all the time. I eat it rarely (for me). At most, it is once a week and even then, it will only be 1 or 2 small items at the most. Yes, that’s not perfect, but I am not that. There was a time when I would eat it every day, or more. I also do not buy any frozen foods, a former staple of mine. I do not keep any junk food in the house anymore. I used to buy a box of zingers and finish it in a night. And, you know, I’m happy about it. The few times I have had fast food it hasn’t been satisfying and has fucked with my body enough that I didn’t want to go back.

On top of that, I have my painting. It’s still in the fledgling stages, but it is getting there. I have already had one paid job. That came 3 months after I started really painting again. I do not know where the next 3 months will take me. I even set up a Facebook page specifically for my painting, Kustom Painting by forgotn. As I clear out some of my demons, I know that my art will flourish in a way it never has before. I had no idea I could paint what I could when I picked up that airbrush 3 months ago. It literally just happened. Before I knew it, I had something I loved and was excited about, something I have rarely felt about my art before. I know that I am only just beginning with it, and already it is far greater than I ever expected. it will take me far. I strive to be the best. I want people to know my name because of my art. I want to be featured in Airbrush Action and other national publications. And I know I will.

I even have music again. It never really left me, but during my darkest time I ended up with 25,000+ songs because I was seeking anything that could fulfill me and not finding it in any of the music I found. It was just collecting it for the sake of collecting it. it gave me no fulfillment. However, I found it again. I found it in a greater way than I did even at 14. It motivates me again. I am enjoying all of the new stuff I find. I thought I had varied tastes before, but now it’s exploding. I even found release in some stuff. I found one song that touched my soul, and it came from a place I never expected. The first time I heard Created a Monster by Krizz Kaliko, I choked up. The first time I heard it after my trip, I broke down completely. It allowed me to mourn that broken child that was bullied for all those years.

Though I have still yet to find love, I am finding that I am easier around people in general again. At the darkest, I had developed a fairly severe case of agoraphobia. I had trouble going to my best friend’s house, let alone somewhere where many people would be. After my 6 month break from humanity, I did work to get back out there. Fight Night helped with that greatly. It was a once monthly event where I would be surrounded by people I did not know, forcing myself to deal with, at the very least, the sensation of being around them even if I did not engage them. Now, when I go to Fight Night (or any other social function) I do get a bit nervous beforehand, but I openly engage people while I am there, something that just 2 years ago filled me with so much fear I had issues getting out of bed.

That comfortability with people will continue to grow and will eventually lead me to a place where I am truly open. This will be compounded by the increased confidence I will gain in losing weight, painting, and generally becoming more comfortable with myself.

I’ve had a friend telling me I needed to learn to love myself. I kept telling her I didn’t know how, that I couldn’t. I seem to have been wrong. This started as an overview of where this blog would go and what I wanted to do with it, but I think it has evolved into a love letter to myself. I clearly have things that I can love, I just overlook them and marginalize them. I know I’m an amazing person. I know I am one of the good ones. I just kept seeing myself through the eyes of those that had scorned me. For once, I think I am seeing them through my own eyes. I see that there is stuff worth loving. I still see things to hate as well, but I am learning to be alright with the ones I cannot change. There will be days I can’t look past them, but eventually, the days I don’t notice them will outnumber them. I am growing. Far faster than I realize.

It’s interesting to notice this stuff so randomly. I hadn’t planned this, I just started writing. The writing helps me explore things without getting overly stuck on certain parts. When I think this stuff through, I tend to find one aspect of what could be an entire post and obsess on it. I would blow it up into a macro and get lost in a single pixel, ignoring the rest of the picture that loomed so greatly around me. This blog is growth. It is catharsis. It is me. It is still very wordy (I am approaching the 2000 word mark for this blog), but I think it has to be for now. Eventually, I will change that. I will add art to it and I will design it more. Even tonight, I changed the theme for the blog. It is far less dark and I think the tone of the newer posts reflects that. In a sense, all of this is working to bring color back into my life. The more color, the less darkness. I’m still living in a mostly gray world, but I am finding bits of color here and there. Even the gray is an improvement over the pure black that it was just 2 years ago. There’s even a bit of pink coming up soon. That should be an interesting time. Plenty of exploration to do there.

As I start this new paragraph, I realize that it is likely to be the last. I think it is time to draw this to an end. I have covered many things here, but I think the one that will affect me most is that there is much to love in myself. There is also still much to explore. And so, for the first time in any of these writings, I do not sign off dark, or even happy, but contented, something I have not felt in a long time.

And thus, I bid you good night. I love you all and will be back sooner rather than later.

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