Of Hopes and Dreams and Things Unknown
What do I want out of this life? That’s a question I fear to answer. I’ve run from it for a while now. What I want has rarely been of any consequence to the actions that play out in my life. Things just sort of happen to me and around me, regardless of what I want. That’s not to say good things don’t happen, they do. They just rarely happen at times when I can capitalize on them.
“Right place, wrong time” is something that has always played out majorly in my life. My timing is shit, and it always has been. There that is again, Time. It’s the bane of my existence, but I’ve talked enough on that before. This post is about wanting, so…
What do I want out of this life? Everything. I realize that is no small thing to ask for, but we should all seek everything. Now, the follow up question to that most certainly has to be “What do you expect to get out of this life?” Nothing. If I expect, I get hurt. I’ve learned to expect nothing as those times I asked and expected I was greatly let down. I can’t afford to expect things anymore. I’ve been to the brink of destruction, I’d prefer not to go back.
If I want everything and expect nothing, what’s the point, what do I hope for? There was a time I hoped for marriage, children, a job to support it all comfortably. I suppose that somewhere, deep down, I still do hope for that, but as the years pass it seems ever more unlikely. But, mostly, those hopes were killed. Now, I’d settle for a hand in mine, a look that shows anything but contempt, or, if I’m feeling particularly bold, a hug. I realize how pathetic it sounds, that those are nothing, but when you reach 26 and can count in years between the times you have seen any of those things, they begin to grow and gain meaning. Truthfully, that’s not something I express often. I hide it because I know how stupid it sounds, but while others seek the next random sexual encounter, I just hope I’ll get to sit next to someone or have the slightest of physical contact.
That’s not to say I do not hope for random sexual encounter, but that’s the difference between wanting to drive and wanting to fly to the fucking moon. I am human, I do have compulsions and desires, but if I cut to the absolute heart of it all, it’s those simple things I really need. Those are the thoughts that drive me to seek and those are the things I hope for, that my skin burns for. When it got to it’s darkest and I’d been several years from the last contact, that was what my flesh remembered, the hand in mine, the arms around me and head pressed to my chest.
I suspect there is more in store for me than what I expect or even hope for, but I cannot see it yet. Thus far, more is just a myth people tell me to try and cheer me up. As much as I appreciate the words, I cannot believe in them, not yet. Not when the only thing I have seen is destruction and devastation. Not when the closest I ever came was at 16 and it haunted me until very recently.
So, for now, I try to live my life and put these things to deeper portions of the brain, try to keep the higher processes from taking it and consuming me. In the meantime, I hope for those things mentioned here and, most of all, hope that I am entirely wrong about what I expect, but I have to plan for my expectations and steel myself for the possibility I am right.
Rather than make a new post, I thought I would add to this one.
More than anything else, I want to stop living off the scraps of happiness I am given. I’ve learned to enjoy what little I find and enjoy them for what they are, but I want to find sustainable happiness. I’m tired of having to make do with what is. I want to know what it is to be happy all the time, not just the rare occasions I’ve found. Just once… even if it’s not forever, just once… I used to hope for an hour of it. I realize now that’s not enough, not really. That’s just more of what I’ve had. If I want a change, it’s got to be more than an hour. I don’t know how to seek more than that though. I don’t really know how to seek any of it, not really. I stumble into all that I find and don’t seem to notice it until it is gone. Hopefully the next time I can see it before it is gone.