Lost and Searching

And thus, the waiting continues…

I can see that things are changing. I can see that things will be happening. I understand this, and am aware of it, but I am tired of waiting for it. How patient does someone have to be? I realize I’ve only really cared for a few short months, but that doesn’t change that I’ve waited for damn near a decade. Though I can see that it will happen, I have no idea if it will be tomorrow or 5 years from now.

How much patience is required? I’ll wait as long as I must, but the waiting is painful. Every day that goes on I feel my loneliness. It compounds. It consumes. It crushes. I have hope that it will leave me, but I cannot escape it. This is one thing I cannot face alone. Not even my friends can help it, not really. They can do much, but they cannot fill the void that craves to feel for another that feels for you. No matter how close you are with your friends, they cannot give you the intimacy that comes of a relationship.

I’m tired of… everything. The waiting. The doubting. The hating. The fear. The pain. Anger. Silence. Sadness. Heartache. Emptiness thinking wondering listlessnessunknowingunendingloneliness. All of it. I want to be truly happy. I don’t want to survive on these small blips of happiness; spread out just close enough for me to live but far enough away that I begin to forget that the others existed as I seek the next one.

Even now, I hope that it is close, but I have never felt further from it.

If it had been my choice, it would’ve been easier, but it wasn’t. I may not have been in the right place for it before, but I don’t understand why that precludes me from having anything. There are plenty of people out there not in the right place for it that seem to get it at will, so why can’t I? I know some people are better at certain things than others. I mean, matters of the mind are simplistic to me, much in the way matters of the heart are easy for others. Wasn’t a fair trade really, the intelligence instead of the whatever the hell it is some people seem to have with finding others. I doubt they even realize that there is more to intelligence than they know, but I am fully cognizant of what I am missing. I think on it every day. It keeps me awake at night. It eats at my soul.

There’s no real ending for this one. There can’t be. Not until I find what it is I seek. Until then, it will cling to everything that I am. I just have to fight it off and keep it from destroying me again, as it did in the past. I am staving it off better than before, but still it whispers to me, letting me know it’s still there.

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