Lost and Searching

A Randomly Placed Beginning

I used to do this before, this whole blogging thing. I did it so others could get to know me, so I could share my soul with them. I stopped when it got too dark, when they stopped reading, when it was just for me. I stopped so I could internalize it all and condemn myself to the fate that I thought was mine, that I would be alone forever. I wallowed in it for years. The last blog was written in 2009, shortly before I closed myself off. I made it to 101 blogs before I stopped. It had been my life line, and I cut it. I couldn’t take it anymore. Everyone was gone, no one cared anymore, so why should I write if it is just for me?

So I stopped and turned it all on myself. And it was a huge mistake, but one I could not avoid. Things got very dark from there. I’d given up on everything. I couldn’t care, not anymore. I knew I would die fat and alone and I thought it’d be at my own hand. I stopped caring for myself, retreating further into my mind relying more upon the persona I had crafted on the internet, taking refuge in games to avoid all that was boiling inside of me. I eventually turned from my friends as well. I couldn’t face myself, so how could I face them?

I wallowed in it all for nearly a year. I couldn’t escape, I couldn’t even make a step forward, I just kept falling. I don’t know where I found bottom, or if I even did. I just know things kept piling on and I kept retreating. I wanted to escape, but I couldn’t find a way. No matter what I did, it just got worse, so I stopped doing anything.

Eventually, I started to find a path out. After 3 years of unemployment, I found work I could love. Through that work, I started getting my personal life together. I started to care a bit. it wasn’t much, but it was a start. It was something to work for. It was during that work that I started buying the stuff I needed to start painting again, I started going out, and I started attempting to live again. It was slow, but it was progress. I reconnected with friends, and they helped me to get out. I’m sure they were frustrated with me as I was still hesitant, but I would not have been able to get anywhere without their patience.

That went on for some time. I healed and I tried to grow, but it never amounted to too much, but it did get me to a point where I was ready for a change. And then that change found me. I didn’t notice it at first. It seemed like just another acquaintance to talk music with. As it went on, the talk changed. I was able to talk things through and express the things I had held within for so long. No longer was I the only one aware of everything inside of me. I was able to realize pains both new and old, to put a new perspective on the abasement my soul had received for so long.

As I talked it all out, I realized that I was ready to be done with it. I had been in my way for all these years, and I was ready to step aside. Things have become brighter since that day. I have begun painting, to the point of selling something already. I’ve begun to talk with others about all of this. I’ve even finally decided to change my diet and lifestyle. No longer will I hinder myself.

And now, we come to today. I have been writing on Facebook for a month or two now, but that is not the appropriate outlet. It is too narrow. It is still too close to my chest. With that in mind, I finally made the step to start a blog. I do not know what this will be or where it will go, but I relish the thought of exploring it. I have always had this in me, I just forsook it out of fear. So, I will write, and I will express that which is imprinted in my soul. I cannot tell you where this will go but I can tell you it will be real and it may not always make sense. There is insanity mixed into my soul’s life force, and it helps to define me. As I did in the past, I do this again so that others may know me, so I can share my soul with you.

Signed,

Jeremiah, who was once called ‘Your Favorite Little Fuck Up’

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One response

  1. Michael

    Love u!

    August 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

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